It is that time.

Of the month. When every human being my little ones drive me bonkers and I sneak a steady stream of sugary snacks to spur a sublime sensation.

I am horribly behind on e mails, and a few other things around here. Like smuggling candy when the bonker drivers aren't looking.

We received new assessments on the children today. They are such a comfort. There is even a great photo of them together. Cute as can be. They have begun school and are doing well. I think they'll be just fine. It's me who needs to learn a thing or two.

I'll now take some time away from the blog ☺ I'll just be over here, watching lots of Christmas t.v. working really hard on important business.

Have a great week!

Rescheduled

Looks like we won't be traveling in January afterall.
Mowa (ministry of women's affairs) in Ethiopia rescheduled our court date.
Dec. 25 is our new day.
Another holiday weekend.
Gosh. What a sinking feeling.

Thanksgiving weekend

Family folk
Grandpa (Bob's dad) and dolly

Bobby and big grandmaInfamous kids' table, every family has one, right?Random photo Kids singing for us with grandpa on the guitar, Bimbo and Angels Among us. Adorable little songbirds, if I do say so myself. And I do, say so. She helps big grandpa walk.What would he do without her?Reading specs. She's a smart one alright. Game playing.Friday, the big man of the house and I took turns going on a date to the movies with a couple of the youngens. He took Jayla and I took Onyx. No, we didn't see The Blind Side. It's PG 13! These kids are 8 and 6. So I have NO reason to say it was great and I enjoyed it a lot and I'm oh so happy it's giving New Moon a run for the $$money$$. Obviusly, we saw something....else. Spontaneously, Saturday I thought it would be fun to go to the Zoo. The bald guy agreed. I began packing lunches, etc. He came in from outside a few minutes later and said, "let's go to Fort Collins for the night." Um.....okay ☺He went to CSU there and still craves the hot wings at a local joint. (They're goo-oood. Spicey enough to make his head sweat. Funny to see. Sorry sugar, Oversharing?) I looked online for a hotel. Hampton Inn has the mega-room with 2 queens and a pull-out couch, but they were booked. For a remarkable price, they could get us an Embassy Suites room. Um....okay. Also a supersized room, it was Mega Niiiiiiiice. 2 tvs! Um....okay.

Here is me, saying to myself, "mama like."

Away from home, where Spongebob lives, in Cableland. They are hooked. This way: Poolward bound. Onyx had a whale of a good time.
We told Stryder that was a cool, superhero suit. He bought it, but insisted on his swim shorts underneath. Whatever. An inflatable 3 year old boy is a comforting thing. Mama like.
Dolphins are so gentle!
Sitting out for a few minutes because she was running by the pool, Jayla is clearly unphased by her consequence. The great white shark sneaking up didn't bother her either.
In front of a real life-size Gingerbread house. Home again, home again just in time for Awanas last night where the kids did Christmas shopping with their points and carefully chose tons of most excellent dollar store gifts to proudly present to friends and loved ones. Awww.

School today has gone quite well so far. I'm glad because we've got a lot of work to do this month before we travel and may take a little time off. Onyx has joined Jayla in second grade. It's just easier that way and he is more than capable.

Hey, I bought a camera! It's a ________________. Will arrive soon. Thanks for your help!

No news yet on the court date. Goodness gracious sakes. Isn't that something? Will let you know the moment I find out!

Spontaneity

It's not something we have in spades. Inspired by those of you that do, we are surprising our kids with a special treat today, (away from home!).
We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. More to come on that - when it's old, old news. Probably by Christmas time because I'm just not the blogger I used to be.
Here's to living on the edge. ☺It is outrageously, deliciously fun to keep the kids in suspense. Mwaaaaahaaaaaa.

New (used) jeans for O: Check

Now it's time for a better camera. It will be a point and shoot. What do you think? Is Canon the general consensus for best brand? Would like to make a better selection this time.....

Reassurance

Isaiah 40: 10-11 See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

The thought of having 7 children here ages 8 and under, 2 of which I have not met, do not speak English, have endured great loss in their young lives and have medical needs, of course there is some (ahem) concern. We have never welcomed toddlers, preschool aged kids into the family before, only babies, biological children at that. As the time approaches, I'm thinking it is natural to be a bit unsettled. It is a lot of responsibility and I really have no idea how things will change or what lies ahead. People are not exactly lining up to trade places with us ☺

I opened my bible this morning and saw the verses above.
Afterward, I read a blog entry from a woman I have come to trust and look toward as a mentor in large family living, in adoption, in caring for kids with the same special needs.

Wonderful reassurance. I don't have to know exactly what is in store. We will be winging it to a large extent. There will be no shortage of trial and error.

He will gently lead.

There are those who have gone before us and are freely, openly, graciously sharing their lives and their learning.

What more could I ask for?

As I prepare for an exciting and unusual Thanksgiving 2009: The day Ethiopian courts may determine us the proud parents of a lovely lady and handsome little man, I will make pies and clean the house like I normally would. This year is different though. I am not the same.
My gratitude is bigger. My eyes wider open. My heart more tender, vulnerable.

Such a tremendous opportunity we face. This one that is full of questions, unknowns, the one that is stretching me far outside my comfort zone, the one where I have the chance to prove that God is a very present help.

Stepping out in faith requires.....faith.

What a grand and extraordinary adventure for one little Colorado family.
Thank you Lord.

Beautiful Boy

A book by David Sheff. Just finished it for our book club. It is well written, descriptive, heart breaking, insightful, honest, hopeful. A very good read.

Lest my head grow large(r)

Speech Report: During the first service, it went pretty well. I was surprisingly less nervous than I thought I would be. Praying, giving it to God, asking that He may be glorified, and reminding myself this is NOT about me, this is about the precious children, the ones who wait, those that need homes and families, helped.

By the second service, all my energy was clearly consumed in preparing the first. So, far too relaxed I walked onto the stage to cooly begin with my icebreaker. I broke the ice, then fell into the freezing water! It was supposed to be about the advice I received to picture the audience in their underwear. Rather than the disarming and funny version, I mispoke and uttered something about picturing them in my underwear.

It was good stuff. Oh yes, they laughed. I did too. I have to admit it was funnier. Keeping me nice and grounded. Just in case I was considering a career involving public speaking, now I know. I am no Beth Moore ☺ I'm ok with that.
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Did you see it? Grey's Anatomy last week? We finally caught it yesterday. When Christiana was celebrating about the heart transplant donor for the girl who was waiting and Teddy pointed out the man who was dying and his grieving family, I thought, Yes! That's it. So much like inter country adoption due to poverty or illness.....happy/sad/rejoicing/mourning, mingled, intertwined, walking toghether, hand in hand.
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Court Thursday in Et. Probably will not find out results until Monday because of the holiday weekend.
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JOTSC are doing well as we prepare for kids to come home. Little do they know what's in store ☻ In fact, neither do I.

When we first heard news of the court date, this all suddenly became very real. In response, I grew scared, worried, overwhelmed, doubtful. The risk, the responsibility, the unknowns, the grief and change these kids will face, the grief and change our biological kids may face. The end of life as we know it. How exactly am do I think I am going to manage all this?
[Will people tell me I have my hands full? Stare at us when we're in public? Count children? Mutter, "better you than me"? How would I possibly respond to such a thing? ☺]

Am I nurturing enough? Patient enough? Hard working enough? Optimistic enough? Strong enough? Mature enough? No...no....no. I am not. I know myself too well to believe that I am.

If there is any measure of success in this adoption, it will be due to God's blessing, His equipping, His guidance, His unfailing assistance, His wisdom. No question. I completely relate to Moses, Gideon, Ananias, and others who were certain they were inadequate.

I have to remind myself, that's perfectly alright. This is often how He likes to do it. With the unlikely, the unsure, the weak.

Let this be the Lord's work, and I'll just show up. Ready to see Him shine, standing in awe of what He could do for these children through a broken vessel like me.
I'm prepared to be amazed. Expectant. Wholly reliant. On my knees.

He has graciously brought us this far. He will not abandon us. Not now when we're really getting started with the hands and feet of this. Not ever.

I know the One who is enough. Oh, the comfort that brings.

Speech

For Brittany's Hope fundraiser. Tomorrow. At church. Nervous? Nah. Not one bit. (Saying it will surely make it true!)
It is supposed to be only 5 minutes for both Bob and I.
Right now, it sits at about 15 ☺
Apparently, once you get us talking about needy kids, there's no stopping us.
Someone better bring a cane.

You may read her blog already, know of her ministry. If not, you really should. It will change your life, rock your world, open your eyes, alter your perspective.
Her name is Katie.

Pictures

I don't take nearly as many as I used to. My camera, it's awful. That's why. I really should buy a decent one. Someday, I will.
When JOTS & C don't appear on her computer screen the kids' grandma scolds their mother. So here is a rundown of the latest bad photos.....
Gorgeous Jayla in a one-of-a-kind, hand picked ensemble.

Grandpa and nana came over one night for a (loud and not relaxing at all) birthday dinner and oodles of handmade cards. They smile anyway because they love the loud ones.
It would appear I should also buy new jeans for Onyx. I'll get right to that. As soon as I go camera shopping ☺
Best friends/arch rivals: this brother and sister. I am for both sides. Go team cuteness!
Putting on a "Premiere" for us one evening.
Agh! Interference.
The show must go on.
Captive audience/Best seat in the house
Mrs. Natarajan sharing a lesson about Hinduism one afternoon. I adore this lady.
Upward Basketball at our church: J & O are participating. The lovely (and brave) Keisha who will be caring for young Deutschlets while their parents are away fitting O for his jersey.
Ready to hoop.
Skill evaluation.
Otherwise known as event in which kids are given the opportunity to display their mad basketball talent, (or lack thereof) and no matter how far from the backboard the airballs are thrown, or how many times the ball bounces off the bottom of the rim to hit the teenaged assistant in the head, the bystanders and coaches repeatedly shout in a completely believable, highly enthusiastic tone "great job" and "way to go" to encourage the children.
I could not stop smiling (partly because it was super funny) and also because it was heartwarming to hear them hollar out for my boy and girl ♥
Hey, that's unusual. This picture is blurry! I still like it.
Go Jayla Go!
All caught up ♦

Come and see this!

Question: How much H20 have you used today? Hmmmm? How different would your morning have been without it? Hmmmm? Safe, freely flowing agua coming from your very own private faucet is quite nice, right? Why yes it is. My, you're a lucky one.

Shop for water link on the side. Great, fun, cute gifts there. Perfect for your self friends and loved ones for Christmas. All proceeds going toward clean water wells in Liberia because think about it for a minute. What would your life without clean water look like?

Go on, click away. You know you want to.
Don't fight the urge to spend money, give into it!
Shopping you can feel great about. Gotta love that.

Field Trip

Today with J and O and their homeschool enrichment class. We're going to a play in Colorado Springs at the Pikes Peak Center, titled: LAURA INGALLS WILDER! How many hours of my childhood did I spend playing Little House on the Prairie? I even asked my mom for a sleeping cap like Laura and Mary wore. Yes, she got me one. ☺
I'm thinking I may enjoy this just a little bit more than the kids.

More information

After I said what I did yesterday, I thought it may have been lacking some very vital factors. So, I took it off until I could get back here to clarify.

1) Our agency is 100% supportive of our request for gathering some information about the possibility of meeting the children's families. They are willing to arrange a visit and assist us in any way necessary. They are wonderful and helpful, and ethical, and they do fantastic work to help many children stay in Ethiopia.

2) In many (all?) parts of Africa, a child is considered an orphan if one parent is no longer living. If one parent has died of disease related to HIV/AIDS, it is quite probable the other will also, in time.

3) We were told we would absolutely be received warmly and welcomed if we do choose to go to the children's birthplace, (which would require an overnight trip).

It's complicated. So very complicated. So much I would like to say, but am not sure if I should. So much thought and processing and grieving going on here. Tons of conflicting emotions......

I know I keep saying that. It's just not at all what I expected it would be. This "one living parent" thing has thrown me. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. And, I didn't even mean to enter the Amusement Park.

As people who had children already and were blessed with fertility, we did not go into this adoption to have another baby. Different motivations, different goals and desires.

Realizing that while we are providing a form of "service" in caring for someone's child when they can not, I did not anticipate the way it would make me feel to be adopting children who have a parent.

It definitely takes the warm illusion of being a benevolent do-gooder away. What do you say to the fathers? We've seen it in video a time or 2 where adoptive parents meet the living parent and honestly, it is grueling to watch.

Yet, there is nothing we can do for these particular kids besides this. It is too late. We must get aid to the families who are in regions where children are being given up for adoption, BEFORE a parent dies. BEFORE the children are surrendered. BEFORE parental rights are terminated by their choice because they can find no other way. Earlier, sooner, less selfishly, we can assist in ways that give families another option. Adoption is a beautiful resort, a way to bear one an other's burdens, but couldn't we do more to make it the last one so that parents everywhere can know the joy we take for granted?

The opportunity to raise our children, to watch them grow, to provide their need, is about as pure as it gets on this earth.

As my husband said last night, jokingly after days of on and off discussion about the topic "we want to be a hero, not a zero." Although we don't really have red-cape-syndrome, I suppose it is something like that.

If you've made it this far, thank you for listening. I know I have been a drag lately and many of you have wonderful Christmas time life giving charity things on your mind. I'm sure next year, when I don't awake with a pounding heart at night because of the financial strain of completing these adoptions, then caring for the kid's medical needs, I will be there too....being part of something pure that I can feel wholly good about.

I Heart Ethiopia/ ET Love/ ET Bound/ ET Rocks/ET Blessings

I'm renaming the blog for now. It's a combination of all the hip Ethiopian blog titles, because yes, apparently this has turned into an 'adoption blog' since that's all I can seem to talk about these days.

What can I say? Ethiopia RULZZZZZZZ.

As with each portion of the adoption process, we are currently absorbed, immersed in a particular step. A decision must be made. One we inquired about as we learned more about our kids' history.
No one warned all of this would be so, extremely gut wrenching. It is. For me, it truly is. Here I am again, absolutely consumed with the aspect at hand now.

Our kids each have a living father, and siblings. (It's hard to say that. Makes me long to close my eyes and pretend I don't see it in black and white writing. Have I told you that already? Maybe I have. Before I realized the sticky, tricky, conflicting, stomach turning & churning emotions that would well up when I actually allow myself to dwell on that reality for a few consecutive moments.) Both families are from a very poor village in southern Ethiopia and relinquished their children after their mothers died because they were unable to provide adequate care. My fingers shake when I type that. I can't put words to the feelings.....

Shall we visit while we are there? Do we have a moral/ethical obligation to do so?
No matter what, we will keep in touch with the families, sending pictures and letters. There is no guarantee they will receive them.
We are counting the financial costs and physical/emotional risks and rewards of extending our trip to go to the children's birthplace. Unlike in Addis, malaria is common there and we can not treat the children 2-4 weeks prior with medication as is recommended.
There is a great deal more to consider as well. I couldn't possibly do the circumstance justice with a description here.

This is a terribly, terribly difficult choice to make and we feel a massive weight of responsibility on our shoulders to do what is most right in a situation that seems altogether wrong.

Today: Good

♥ Weather (warm!)
♣ Food (Indian!)
►Friends (old and true!)
☼ Dr visits (quick and easy!)
◙ Movie (Up!)
§ Family (Fun!)

Going to bed tonight, grateful.
1 Chronicles 29:13
Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.

It doesn't come cheap

Avoiding yellow fever and meningitis and typhoid and polio and tetanus and, and, and.....

$1106 later we left the travel clinic, shot up, overprotected and headed straight for home, a.k.a. The Poor House.

Last shots of Hep A and B vaccines + copays given at our doctor's office tomorrow should round us up to an even $1200 or so.

Interesting tidbit: Boulder CO is seeing an outbreak of the whopping cough. According to our passport travel expert nurse, once under 80% of the population is vaccinated, we may begin to see reemergence of illness that has been nearly nonexistent here for decades. With fewer parents vaccinating their children, the overall percentages of vaccinated people are dropping, therefore, "unusual" sicknesses are increasing in certain areas. If little ones start dying of say, polio, again like they once did, we may see trends swing back toward vaccinations.
Did that make sense? I feel like that made no sense. My brain is a little foggy. I rarely sleep these days....another story.....

Just shared that to get you who are passionately
a) for vaccines
or
b) against vaccines
all riled up :)

Thanks for peeking at the Ethiopian Deutschlets. Aren't they cute?

So much to say, so little time to sit down and process thoughts in written word, so I suppose I will continue to simmer....
Happy Vetrans Day.

Both our kids are shown here

3 minutes and 33 seconds in. This video is several months old.

Boy: bottom right/pale blue shirt
Girl: middle/orange shirt

Sick

~Terrible colds visited here over the weekend. The kind that make you long to do nothing but curl up with a warm blanket, rest your poor itchy eyes, and blow your nose repeatedly. Of course, in a house full of children, that is exactly what happened :)

~Bob is off work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Lovingly, I've booked each day with appointments for vaccines for the family to spend quality time together rubbing our aching arms. Hep A and B for all of us. Plus, the myriad of requirements/recommendations for travel to Ethiopia for the adults. (Could, quite possibly make us feel sick.)

~It looks pretty certain that because of the lift of the ban on HIV immigrants, our travel time will be cut back to one week, rather than 2+. I can not tell you what a relief that is! Good, good news. Especially for Keisha, who will be staying with JOTSC while we're gone :)

Ruckus brewing behind me as I type. Back to refereeing squabbles and mob management school I go.

(((((Happy Monday)))))

Travel

Just heard from our agency, the Thanksgiving court date means we will most likely travel in early January. Narrowing down....

Court Date

November 26, Thanksgiving Day.
Sooner than expected :)

Turn up the volume

Melting Pot is coming to Deutschland

Today, Jayla has on shorts. Last week at this time schools were called off for a snowstorm. Crazy Colorado.

Today, I'm better. Yesterday at this time, I was a moping, maniac mom. Crazy self.

Cheese and chocolate Fondue tonight. We're even going to try some thinly sliced steak in bubbly broth, mojo style. Crazy fundue.

Then, the documentary Flow. 1 billion people without clean water? Crazy we let that happen.

Ammendment: Beans and Corn, not Rice

Hummus and tortilla chips. I've taken to garbanzo as my bean of choice and homemade hummus is quite inexpensive, healthy, and as addictive as illicit drugs, I'd suspect. (Not that I know)
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So much rolling around in my mind. Pressures real and perceived, many whipped up by my own active imagination. Wondering why I often feel like such a failure at my role, this hefty undertaking with seemingly huge implications if I don't do it well, called motherhood. Drained and hopeless for change last night after the day ran its course, I relinquished responsibility to my husband when he returned home from working late. The commotion, the noise, the repetition, the fighting and screaming, complaining and resistance, the heavy work load and constant interruptions, I just couldn't do it anymore.

I'm sure that somewhere out in that big world, I could engage in something that would hold the appearance of being quite meaningful. Perhaps someone would actually listen to the words I speak and I would not have to frequently scratch my head and wonder if I am, in fact, uttering the English language.

Seeing my shortcomings and flaws rise up in the lives of my little ones is almost too much to bear. It is my fault they struggle as they do in certain ways, I struggle there as well and they follow my lead. How hard I try. And, then come up short. Again and again.

Asking myself who do I think I am to bring more children into this home flavored with my particular print of folly, tears softly fall wetting my face. I don't bother wiping them away. I am sorry I won't be more, have something better to offer. I am sorry I grow weary in well doing like I do. I am sorry I am not a mother with endless reserves of patience and stamina. How I would love to be!

Children were put to bed last night by their capable father who knows me well enough to sense what I needed so he said not a word, only started a bath and brought me a drink, then shut the door behind him to leave me alone.

As I read and prayed and pondered the notion that I may be in over my head, I realize by now there are no magic answers. No quick fix. No quote or verse I will read that will change my life forever and I will never again flounder. I must simply persevere, keep moving forward, hopefully grow, albeit ever so slowly. Rely on God, not only to give me strength, but also forgiveness. Over and over, I need it. Then, I have to learn to deeply accept it, let myself off the hook for not being Everything to Everyone All the Time. Even my children. Especially my children. I am human, and I am a woman, and I will disappoint. Graciousness will flow from embracing that, not only about myself, but about others also. Letting go of lofty expectation for any person is a beautiful and enduring, peace promoting, gift to offer.

Blissfully unaware or unconcerned, they are full of life this morning. Loudly busying themselves with the day. One is now telling me he knows how to spell lots of words, then recites, "b e a n s." Strangely I am comforted, by the sameness of today that drove me to the brink of despair only a few short hours ago.

Forgiveness is plentiful here. Love really does abound in our home. Life goes on as the sun rises on another day. Sometimes that new mercy that comes with each morning is palpable.

Praising God for His faithful goodness to comfort my heart, to hear my voice when I speak, to care about all I do that no one ever sees, through this process that regularly draws me to my knees and reminds me I can not, not do it alone. I need Him. Desparately.
Maybe this small world is exactly where I should be after all.

This minute, there is singing in the kitchen as chores are being completed, "I'm overwhelmed by Your love, Your faithfulness at all times...." Yeah, me too.
It's time for school.

A night without fright

Spent at our church's shin dig. It was a candy, food, fun and games event which was loads of fun for Deutschlets.

Playing games

Treat walk

The 3 seated in folding chairs are our pastor, worship leader, and children's ministry director. They took a pie in the face for donations to Brittany's Hope! How nice is that? By the end of the night she became a warrior princess once she confiscated her brother's gun.
Weeee!