Home today

Keeping small, ill children away from church.

Change in plans - kids are now staying with grandparents - girls with grandpa and nana, boys with grandma JJ. They will work together to help each other out and gives breaks, and grandpa will get the kids to their activities (awanas, basketball practice, and basketball games). Isn't that nice? I hope they maintain sanity ☺ I think it will be just fine and dandy. JOTSC are perfect little angels, each and every one. (Yep, all the time!)

Masso's birthday is Feb. 17! We get to spend it in Et with her, one day after she is officially declared "ours" at our Embassy appointment. She is turing 5. However she is only one inch shorter than Onyx who will be 7 in March. Hmm. We are short. And she is tall. Or she is 6 ☺

Plane Tickets: Check

We will be flying AA, Delta, and Turkish Airlines through Istanbul. Flying out from Denver to Chicago, back in from New York to Denver.
Baggage allowance info. for the 3 airlines we are flying printed out: Check
(Getting our luggage to meet requirements for all 3: Another Story)
Guesthouse in Ethiopia reservation: Check
The people who own the home in which we will be staying have an AMAZING ministry in Ethiopia working with hundreds of needy children.
They are featured 0n this. They are interviewed 4 min 20 sec. into the video.
How lucky are we!? We watched an entire documentary on their organization Yezelalem Minch a few months ago, and wow. They are some good folks. Will be an honor to meet them.

That was then

Well (((Yay!)))

And this is now: Sick (((Boo!)))

No papersack required!

Thought I would be hyperventilating, but I'm not. Go figure.

Now, I do realize I need a major "take back" for all that melodramatic whining I did. I thought it was logistically IMPOSSIBLE for us to travel this soon when things were moving so slowly there. I seriously just *knew* it would be March. Turns out, I don't know much. Hmph. Go figure. You would think I would have already learned that by now. ☺

SO, I take it back!! Sorry for griping your ears off.....or is it your eyes out when you're reading it? For those who are real life friends, I apologize for BOTH! Oy.

Houston, we have travel dates.

Embassy appt. Feb. 16 in Addis Ababa Ethiopia.
Will depart either Feb. 11 or 12.
Returning Feb. 20 (our 11th wedding anniversary!)
Whew. That's 2 weeks away.
Better get moving - lots to do. Breathing into papersack at the top of the list.

They call him Samson

At the orphanage. His nannies apparently adore the boy and have nicknamed him Samson. Such a great name. Don't you love his story in the Bible? What a tough guy. One of my favorites for several reasons.

Our friends have recently come home with their 2 1/2 little girl, and they say she knows her name very well. Come to think of it, our baby just turned 2 and she already says "Dawey" when you ask her to tell you her name. She knows too. Her name is Dolly!

We have decided we don't want to take their names from them. He goes by Samson, his name will be Samson. She goes by Masso, her name will be Masso. I go by Tisha, and whatdoyouknow, my name is Tisha! And so on.....
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Have you read this? (Oh okay, I'll tell you what it is because I'm not fond of clicking here, there and everywhere to follow what someone is trying to say in a blog post.) Terrify No More by Gary Haugen. Goodness. I would like to quote the entire thing, but that would take a long time and require a great deal of typing on my part. There are children screaming behind me as I write even this, so clearly I have no time to recount the contents of this amazing, haunting, convicting book. I should probably attend to the raucous crew tearing down the house. Anyway, it's poignant. Wow. What a book. If you can stomach it, you should read it. I bet you already have.

Some Things

My necklace made by her daughter and son, proceeds to go to Haiti earthquake relief.

Do you know Jennifer? She is very cool (and smart!).

She is kind of person I'd like to sit down with for a nice looooong chat and pick her brain about lots of interesting topics, while taking notes. Not to be left out, J wanted a necklace too.

Jayla is ALL ABOUT helping Haiti. Oh my. I ♥ that girl.

Not to be left out, O wanted in the picture too.

(I guess she's throwing in a shout out to water4christmas peeps posing with her bracelet like that.) Blankets, HANDmade, knitted by my dear friend and family member, Alicia for our Ethiopian sugar pie honey bunch chickadee bugaboos.
Alicia has been a huge blessing to me in many, many ways and now, to them too!
I'm taking these with us, if we ever get to go to Africa. New (old) bedspread from Goodwill. $12. It's luxurious and heavy, (which is important when you live in an igloo.)
Have you heard? Used is the new new! Do you suppose this is what she meant when she asked for a photo of these bags? I'm thinking the "headless woman" look is a nice touch☺
No, I'm not sending it. I'll have someone take another one sometime.

Perhaps after a shower when I've put a little blush on and maybe even combed my hair.

♦ Oh, by the way, after trillion is quadrillion. I learned that at school today.

The Princess

And the Pee

About the girl -

On the newest assessment for M. it said, "she may get easily upset when she does not get what she wants. But, she is easily soothed when she is given what she wants." Ha! Aren't we all? Typical, typical, typical ☺
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When I was pregnant with Clover, I was scheduled for an induction. We were told to call the hospital at 6:30 am to make sure there was room in labor & delivery for us to arrive at 7.

We were at Bob's parent's house with JOTS because it was snowy at our little house on the prairie and we didn't think we would be able to make it to CS early in the morning.

I slept little that night. Excited, filled with anticipation. Uncertain about the unknown. We were up, showered, packed and ready.

They didn't have room.

The let down! That feeling. That empty, crushing feeling. Not nearly enough to be qualified as catastrophe, devastating. Not worthy of legitimate complaint. There are people with true suffering. Yet, enough to ache, hurt, leave me with a small hollow hole.
It was time for something to happen! Something big! But nothing happened. Nothing.

Being ready is about so much more than having your bags packed and arrangements made. It wasn't only about the bassinet and the doll-sized clothes and the teeny tiny diapers. Being prepared for labor was about being ready - emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. Ready for whatever the day would bring. Ready to welcome a new child into my arms, my heart, our home. Ready for the pain of getting there and doing what needs to be done. Ready for the lack of sleep that would follow. Ready, after months of waiting, enduring the highs and the lows of pregnancy. The adrenalin was flowing. I was Ready.

I am now 13 months pregnant with 2 (very large!) kids and with each delay it becomes harder. I am growing weary of bad news. Just a few more weeks....just a few more weeks.....just a few more weeks.....no explanations, just a few more weeks, only to find out it will be a few more.

Being matched with our little ones this long means we've seen them grow. They've changed so much. Their faces are thinner, they are taller, they are learning to write. Each assessment we receive is a blessing and a curse - a harsh reminder. We've missed it. Months and months.

I'm trying to live well, today. To redeem the time. To be grateful for what I have now, and for what is to come. God is near.

I'm aware the next stage will bring its own trials, hardships, and frustrations. Perhaps many. Maybe more than I can imagine.
And still, I am ready.

Oh God you are my God and I will ever praise You.

I will seek you in the morning and learn to walk in Your ways.

And step by step You'll lead me and I will follow You all of my days.


Even when things aren't going my way.

Psalm 119:76 May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

I can't even believe it.

We thought we were waiting for a travel call.
Which happens AFTER the kids have birth certificates (5 days minimum) passports (5 days minimum) THEN a request is made for an Embassy date which takes 2 WEEKS for a response.
Turns out, we are still waiting for BIRTH CERTIFICATES.
Seriously? Are you kidding me?
There are many things I'd like to say right now. But I won't.

Imagine....

You are a toddler.

You love your mother very much and she loves you.

She carries you on her back, comforts you when you cry, and cradles you in her arms.

You are happy.

Then, slowly or suddenly she becomes ill.

It is difficult for her to care for you the way she used to.

She is weak, feeble, different.

You do not understand why things had to change.

One day she does not get up from her bed at all.

Nor the next.

She looks at you with a strange sadness in her eyes.

You are little, but you are scared because you know things are just not the same.

She grows weaker by the day.

Eventually, she is taken from her bed, it is empty.

Forever.

You wonder where she has gone.

Why did she leave you?

Where did she go?

You have no words yet.

So you cry.

A lot.

You cling to your father.

You are scared.

Is he next?

He tries to console you.

He makes every effort care for you.

But there is barely enough to eat.

He is grieving too.

The future is bleak.

You are his baby.

He hopes for a better life for you.

He makes a heart wrenching decision.

To let you go.

He takes you by foot to the orphanage.

It is a long trip.

He knows they will find you a good home.

Opportunity he can not provide is waiting there.

He kisses you goodbye, tears softly wetting his rough cheeks.

Alone, head hanging, he walks home.

You wonder where he has gone.

Why did he leave you here?

Who are these people?

How long will you stay?

Where is your daddy?

Mommy?

You have no words yet.

So you cry.

A lot.

You cling to your nannies.

You are scared.

Are they next?

You don't know them, but they offer comfort.

Slowly, you grow accustomed to your new life.

There is routine and food and music and other children.

You begin to smile again.

You can sleep.

Yet, sometimes memories creep up on you, especially at night.

You remember your mommy, your daddy, your home, your siblings.

You have no words.

So you cry.

You are scared.

Will they be back?

The sun rises on a new morning and you move on.

This is your home now.

Until one day, when they come for you.

They are pale, you are dark.

They don't speak your language.

They look at you with expectation.

What are you supposed to do?

What do they want from you?

They take you away from your home.

You have no words yet.

So you cry.

A lot.

You cling to these new people.

You don't know them, yet they offer comfort.

You are scared.

Are they next?

You get on a plane.

You are on it for a really long time.

It is hard.

You are scared.

So you cry.

A lot.

They take you to yet another new place.

It smells funny.

It is cold.

No one there looks like you.

The food tastes yucky.

Everything is different.

Again.

Where are your nannies?

Mommy?

Daddy?

How long will you stay?

You try to relax, but you can't.

You wonder when this will end?

Who is coming next?

Is it me?

What did I do?

You have no words.

You don't understand all this.

You are scared.

So you cling, and you cry, and you act out.

You are longing for security.

You feel vulnerable.

You grieve.

How much loss can you take?

Your heart has been shattered, again and again.

You are only a child.

I know it won't always be easy.
I'm praying, praying, praying for the ability to put myself in their position and recall everything they've been through in their very short lives.
That I will have compassion. As much as it takes.
They will be coming "home" soon....although it may not feel like home at all.

The boy can add

1) Propelled solely by his own desire for advancement, Tyden is doing addition

+

2) NO thanks to me

=

3) Another important lesson where I become the student and the child my teacher

This one is making great strides as well.

Writing on paper rather than the wall.

Remarkable improvement ☺

Stupid crickets.

The Rocking Chair - Craig's list: $30

Moments like these: Priceless

The crickets are chirping.

All is quiet on the travel front.

Well, it is 2010.

We now have itunes for our new itouch which we bought for our trip. I know! Becoming a modern family, aren't we now? I have to say, I do love the availability of such a variety of songs. Music is a big part of our daily lives. Not because we can play it, or sing (well) to it, or dance (well) to it, we just like to have it blaring all the time, to accompany our bad singing and dancing.
♫Crankin repeat on this song this week ♫

Buying a Rocking Chair

We're going to be searching the thrift stores for one. I am completely excited about it. I've heard it mentioned often that time spent soothing through sitting and rocking together is very therapeutic for adopted children. I'm thinking it will be for me too. And, for the rest of our kids. Heck, I may line them all up to take turns in my lap, play the music softly, and rock the day away ☺ My babies will only allow it so long. I intend to make the most of it.
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Heather Forbes, the author of Beyond Logic, Consequences and Control spoke of "moving from a place of fear, to a place of love." Although I found the book and conference quite intriguing, for some reason, that terminology didn't really resonate with me. And, while there, people asked many questions, wanting technique. Natural for us, isn't it? To want a set of easy to follow instructions. Her approach, founded upon years of neurological research, was definitely not that! It was ALL about the parents, their attitudes, actions, responses and feelings toward their children.

Later, while researching to learn more about the unschooling philosophy, I came across a quote that went something like this, "we basically focus on our relationships all day and everything else that needs to happen will do so around that."

Those are words that communicate to me. I thought to myself, yes! That's it. That's how I can move more toward operating out of a "place of love." I've seen clearly over and over the frustration and discouragement that comes with trying to constantly modify behavior. Both mine and theirs!
I can focus in all the moments that fill our day on our relationships as top priority. It is not about getting our kids to DO something -outward. It is helping them BE something - inward. That's when the "results" will be genuine and self motivated. It takes time and talking and patience and maturity on my part.

Funny thing is, I'm finding the same ideas true about myself. It has transfomed my relationship with God too. More on that later.

For now, here is an example with the children.
This year, I wanted to make a goal to play with my kids more. At least 15 minutes spent per day, playing. On their terms. What they want to play.

That is a lofty expectation for me. Playing is not my favorite thing to do. I like games, reading books, watching movies or cooking or baking together, but sitting down and playing, uh not so much. I've long known I should do more of it and my days of them wanting my attention in that way are numbered. When I focus on the task at hand - playing - it's a chore. Outward in.

As I have spent my hours thinking purely of what will be beneficial for our relationship, playing becomes easy, automatic. I have no question it connects their hearts to mine, bonds and endears us to one another. They get SO MUCH out of it. If that is my goal, further developing our relationship, if playing is what it takes to get it done, I'm going to play! Inward out.

It takes what was formerly the objective or destination, and makes it a natural byproduct.

A beautiful, tender, fulfilling, and completely rewarding life is one in which we are consistently connecting, heart to heart, with our loved ones. Relationships.

Nesting

That's what I've been up to lately. Cleaning out drawers, closets, Goodwill drop-offs, defrosting the freezer, carpet cleaning, scrubbing and sorting....
Because, our house was terribly dirty and disorganized. ☺
As we wait for our travel call - the one we expect any day now where they say, "show up on this date in Ethiopia," it just feels natural for me to be busy, nesting. We're about to have 2 new (big) babies! So very exciting.

Also, I'm spending time with the wee ones here, intently focusing on relationship based parenting, taking a giant step away from result based parenting which leaves much to be desired with regard to peace and joy in the home. I've heard this talked about before-by the Jeubs, and in the Beyond Logic Consequences and Control conference with Heather Forbes, but frankly, I never really got it. Finally, after becomming thoroughly fed up and frustrated with our status quo, I am seeing a new side of motherhood. It's refreshing and extremely liberating.

Raising children in a results based, achievement motivated, improvement focused, change from the outward in, productivity and production esteeming, behavioral modification loving home, DOESN'T WORK. And even if it does because we may have a particularly compliant child who does whatever we want them to do, what are the values inherent in viewing life from that vantage point? What are we teaching them about the way we determine their own worth, the worth of others?

It is the American way. We are a productive, industrious sort of people. We are all about the bottom line. Are our relationships paying the price? One we can not afford? Why, I believe yes they are. At least here they were. Expecting our kids to "be good" and "behave" not embarrass us, and perform in a socially/academically/spiritually "acceptable" way for us to be happy, satisfied, with them was no bueno.

They fail and fall short and don't live up to our expectations. How hard for them.
I fail and fall short and don't live up to my expectations. How hard for me.
It's all so guilt inducing and cyclical.

Change-behaving well-doing good-from the inside out, at the heart level, is authentic, real, true, inspiring, lovely, peaceable, organic. And, it works! Even with kids! Especially with kids!

If a behavior is genuine, it's done even when no one is looking. There is no "get away with it" mentality. That only happens when a child is truly motivated. And, it doesn't usually happen because of fear of consequences. It occurs when a connection is made, when they become personally convinced about the way they should conduct themselves and act accordingly.
That's when true character is established.
Because this is about more than making us, their parents, look good and capable, isn't it?

My oh my, I could talk forever on this subject. If you know me in person and we have spent time together recently, you have no doubt that's true. ☻ Let's just say glory hallelujah, I see the light.
I hope it made sense. If not, that's okay. I may not be able to communicate the concept well, but I certainly know transformation in our home when I see it. And I do. I see it.

Off now to clean the great big van, with the help of a very handsome 5 year old young man.

~

Evidently, this new paradigm shift taking place in our home leaves me no time to blog ☺

Before she left for home...

We captured a couple moments with Mrs. Natarajan. I am sad she is no longer here, but happy she is back in India where her heart is.
7 kids - ours plus our friends Priya and Sanjay - does it look like a lot? ☺

Will get to talking about the life changing transformations going on here someday.
It will take some time to try to organize my thoughts and communicate them in a coherent manner.
Things really wonderful, different. Deutschland is a MUCH better place with happier residents.

Busted!

Memory card fits right into replacement camera, pictures saved. Yessssss!
However, I can no longer convince you Clover's birthday cake was absolutely uh-mazing. Now, you'll know better ☺ Here it is in all its glorious splendor. (((Tada))) Impressive, I know!
[Um, that's a BROOM by the way.]

Birthday dinner on the special red plate. How old are you Dolly? 8? Wow. No, she wasn't crying about the cake! It was her family's (exceptional) vocal rendition of ♫Happy Birthday to You♪ that was deeply distressing to her. Yeah, really. A bunch of American Idol shoe-ins fill this house with melodic delight. Whew, singing over. That's better. (Yes! A broom!)The dad with a partial head and 3 of his amigos.

Trying out the gift. Happy birthday Clover True! I love you with big, big love girlie. You are sunshine on a cloudy day. My heart fills and oozes and spills sweet dolly love. I don't have enough words to properly tell you how special you are to us, our little lady. I'm just so glad you were born. You are a treasured gift. Thank you for coming into our lives and bringing such tender surprise.

There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. Ever. ♥

Revolutionary

Busy incorporating a seriously life altering paradigm shift in the way we view life in our home.
Because we just can't go on like that anymore.
More to come on the subject later -

Today (because I can not think of a more clever title)

S counting out beans
O & T Imaginext-ing

The sick one. Strangely, still well enough to shout out correction aimed toward her brothers from her perch on the couch....

I have a table desk in my room now with a cute little storage dresser beside it that I'm way happy about. Wanna see? Our office/desk/computer area is right off our kitchen, ((open)) to the whole world. How many papers have I lost due to sticky little fingers on the hands of curious young people who simply do not appreciate the importance of items that are MY BUSINESS? I need a safe place for MY THINGS. Because, I HAVE SOME THINGS, that are, you know, MINE.

Inevitably, when a new piece of furniture is brought into the room, the entire space needs a complete overhaul, because nothing is good enough anymore. Which then leads to a whole house rennovation, which leads to my honey-do handyman husband feeling overwhelming warm and fuzzy fondness and affection in his heart for his beloved wife.

The bed is now in front of the windows. Wacky, eh? I ♥ it!! Had seen this concept before in magazines, but thought it too weird for real life. Until I decided we were just weird enough to try it.

Reality check. The room looked neat and tidy, didn't it? Here is the messy dresser that is accumulating all our travel to Africa items, with my drying rack beside it. Glad my unmentionables were not hanging there. I know. You are too.

The gift that keeps on giving.

Jayla down (or shall I say up) with "it" last night.
Bobby officially the last man standing.
Think we'll go 6/7 or will it be a clean sweep?
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Took the kids to the library yesterday and came home with a big fat stack of books.
It's amazing how much they enjoy reading if I allow them to read whatever they want.
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Following their interests and being more involved in guiding their own education is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.
School is going well for them and they are compliant with what I ask of them, but I have a feeling it could be much more exciting, interesting, and effective for them.
For this second semester, we're going to try a different approach. Less formal time at the table, more time to read and write about and pursue topics they are fascinated with, followed up by much discussion and opportunities for them to teach the rest of the family what they are learning.
They are already expert players with well developed imaginations- I will also encourage plenty of that.
Skits and plays and performances for us are always welcome.
{Cough, cough} Arts and crafts will get more time too. One of you want to come over and facilitate that for me? ☺

And, DISCIPLINE. Oh, discipline. Definitely in need of an entirely different way of thinking and being in this department. Effective Immediately! We'll see how it goes....
It's a new day in Deutschland ☻

They call it The Gap

And it's always supposedly widening.
The space between the rich and the poor.

While I was cleaning out and vacuuming the van moments ago, it hit me. Again. Every quiet moment I have, it creeps up in my thoughts, causes my eyes to burn hot, hot, hot, my heart so, so heavy.

This 'gap' that separates, categorizes.
It segregates those who are welcoming children from those who are giving them up.
Those who can plenteously provide from those lack basic essentials.
Those who have nearly limitless opportunity from those who are forced to make decisions out of complete desperation.
Those who have medical intervention from those who are left to needlessly die.
Those who are abounding with everything good this life has to offer and those who are destitute.

Can you imagine turning over your child to someone else to raise? Your baby?
Because you are poor and they are wealthy.
Because they have what you do not.
Because they can offer what you only wish you could.

To me, this seems more like a gigantic, gaping hole. An unimaginable chasm. The kind you can't handle looking into without flinching and drawing back. A cruel, massive divide that separates us from them.

As I prepare to pick up their children, I can not stop thinking about them and this horrific gap between us.

One visa: Check

•Finally fundue'd last night and no one tossed their (melty-chocolate-covered) cookies overnight. Fantastico.

•Found the same camera for a few bucks less than we paid the first time to replace the squeaky clean, nonfunctional, even after trying the bag-o-rice trick one we have now. If the memory card still works, shazam! Baby girl's bday retained, mama happy, dad (the one who washed it) out of the dog house. Oh, I kid. He was taking initiative to do laundry for goodness sakes, washing MY coat, for ME while I was puking my guts out. What a guy. How was he supposed to know where I socked the camera away? Just remember, COMMUNICATION: IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE.

• That little groc savings month saved a whopping $500! Guess what that will buy? One of the kid's visas! Howzabout that. And, we're all well fed, nourished and satisfied.

I know many people could not or would not want to go with as little meat as we do, or may think hummus should be reserved for cruel & unusual punishment for children, or they hate soup, or think a menu like ours is complete junk garbage awful, but it is certainly possible with some planning and time spent at home cooking to save mucho deniro on the grocery bill. No matter what your family likes to eat. If I can do it, anyone can as grocery shopping is a category where I consistenly spend ALOT. It is the ONLY kind of shopping I actually look forward to. Unless you count a trip to my beloved Goodwill, that is. ☺

I'm thankful for Mary at Owlhaven who did this giving me the idea.
Feeling resourceful and effective in serving my family is a wonderful, wonderful gift.
Saving money in the process: bonus.

Target

tortillas -12
garbanzo beans - 4 cans
chili beans - 2 lg cans
cheap bread - 2 loaves
cumin
nutmeg
crisco - small can
granny smith apples - 3 lbs
red delicious apples - 3 lbs
bananas - 3.6 lbs
frozen peas - 32 oz
apple juice - 4 cans
milk - 4 gallons
eggs - 2.5 dozen
yogurt - 32 oz
cheddar cheese - 32 oz block
cream cheese - 2 pkgs
________________
$65.11
This ought to get us by until Jan 8, with $14.35 to spare. Yeah baby!

Sick

♦Oh so, so sick. A few of us got that way Wed night. Yesterday was full of moanin groanin sufferrrr-in. I thought that was supposed to happen after New Years Eve, not before.

My poor mom had the pleasure of dealing with it on the Children's end as she kept (ALL 5!) kids overnight Wed so big daddy and I could run around and shop like madmen, closing the stores down in hot pursuit of things we need and are trying to finish before our trip overseas. Topping the night off with an emptying of the contents of the stomach made for one romantic date, wouldn't you know. Achey, drained and weak, I went to bed at exactly 8:20 last night. Way to ring in the New Year in style. Go me!
Fondue fun will have to wait. We received swiss cheese for Christmas along with other dipping goodies! ☺

♦Had a fantastic time with the kids at the zoo before we took them to my mom's. It was cold, and the animals were active. SO enjoyed the youngens that day. It was bliss to be with our babies all bundled up, walking around on the beautiful mountain side in the CO sunshine.

♦(New) Camera got washed in my jacket pocket. Yay! Just love, love, love it when that kind of thing happens. Sweet dolly's 2nd birthday pics (with her amazing snowman cake, I can say I made an amazing cake because now you'll probably never see it) were on it. I truly hope it works after it dries out. No memories of my baby girl's birthday is just too sorrowful to bear.

♦ With the holidays and changes from our normal schedule, I got waaaaaay off track posting the menu. Which is fine, because I'm sure you don't care to hear about exactly what (hummus and fruit) we eat every day. HOWEVER, I have been diligent with the grocery bill. This weekend I will make my last trip to the store before Jan 8 which will mark one month. We have $79.46 left. I'm thinking we're going to make it - easy breezy! Wow. I would have NEVER thought we could do it as painlessly as we did. Shows me how much abundance and excess we have on a regular basis.

♦ Happy New Years! 2010 sounds so futuristic, doesn't it? I better go polish my spaceship now.