I've been wanting to do this for a long time

Purchase raw milk for our family.
Over a year ago, I researched the health benefits of drinking it.
We tried it several times and liked the taste.
But it was too expensive, too inconvenient......
Our (super great - remember last week, the afternoon of childcare AND dinner? Those amazing people.)
friends recently bought a dairy cow.
And now, finally (real, nonpasturized, non hormone infused) milk is affordable and accessible to us.
We are the proud new owners of 4 shares of sweet Izzie the cow -
which equals 4 gallons/week of her creamy milk.
We're so happy.
Moooo.

J & O

8 verses down, 5 to go.

I even bought new pants.

At Old Navy! Not Goodwill! Or Salvation Army! (I am kind of short. It is not always easy to find pants at thrift stores that fit me. It takes a while to search and try on options. I was also *short* on time. So I went straight to Old Navy. Out of character! But I found 2 pairs of really cute pants on clearance for $8.99 a piece. Yippee!)

This was due to the fact I don't really ever need to "dress." Our church is casual (jeans) and yoga type pants is my daily uniform around the house.

Since I was going to a *real live* conference,  I thought it best to not wear jeans. Or yoga pants.

And, I packed. Yes, already. On Sunday. To leave on Wednesday. Because I'm a dork cool like that.

I signed up for the lunch to meet her. I just LOVE her. So, so much. Do you read her blog? You really should. (Not that I would ever want to tell you what to do. :) You will love her too! I just know it!

Then, I found out this morning that a job my husband had on hold indefinitely was reinstated for rush completion. Starting WEDNESDAY. (The day we were leaving.)

He was assuring me it was fine. He would find a replacement, etc. He could still get the time off for me to go.

But it was weighing on him. I could tell. He was going to be distracted and rushed and concerned about missing work.

I understand the position he is in, pressure from work, pressure from home, providing for a large family, children with needs, a wife with needs, an employer with needs, a house with needs, vehicles with needs. Many people to accommodate and please. Plenty of stress from all sides.

I told him I would pass on the conference. It was no problem. It was such short notice anyway and he was very kind to try his best to make it work. Another time when we've got more time to plan, perhaps I will do something else, get away for a couple of days, with the ladies.

I am not going to Austin after all. Yes, I am disappointed. For several reasons. For me, it was an unusual, out of the ordinary, opportunity. I was really excited about it.

"Learning to deal with disappointment is part of life. Everyone experiences it from time to time." That's what I say to my kids.
So, I'm telling myself today, "Tisha, learning to deal with disappointment is part of life. Everyone experiences it from time to time." Then I answer myself, "I know Tisha, you're right."
(Then, I ((childishly)) make faces at myself behind my back. Because I don't have to like it.)

At least I have some cute new pants.

Not to be underestimated

It was one of the parts of the journey that I was completely unprepared for.
The language issue/barrier/challenge when adopting older kids internationally.

This is a conversation that happened with Flint this morning. It is reminiscent of a thousand conversations we've had before. They all basically take the same form.

Me: Flint, why did you throw the cat?

Flint: (long pause, no answer)

Me: Flint, why did you throw the cat?

Flint: (long pause, no answer)

Me: Flint, please answer with your mouth. Why did you pick up the cat and throw it?

Flint: Because I pick up the cat and throw it.

Me: I know you did. Why did you do it?

Flint: (long pause, no answer)

Me: Did it seem like a good idea to throw the cat?

Flint: (long pause, no answer)

Me: Do you think it felt good to the cat?

Flint: Yes.

Me: You do?

Flint: Yes.

Me: You think it is nice to throw the cat?

Flint: Yes.

Me: Is it nice to throw the cat?

Flint: Yes.

Me: Should you throw the cat Flint?

Flint: Yes.



{Me: (((((((AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGG))))))))) (That is what I say to myself. On the inside. Right before I bang my head against the wall for added fun. :) }

Me: Flint, it is not nice to throw the cat. Please do NOT pick up that cat. I do not want to see you pick up the cat. Do you understand?

Flint: Ok.

We truly can not converse. It is a HUGE part of my weariness - the lack of ability to communicate, to teach, to effectively correct and admonish, to gather any kind of accurate feedback.

They say yes when they mean no and no when they mean yes and change back and forth between yes and no when asked the same question. We go around and around in great big circles winding up nowhere!

It is easier with Meadow, she comprehends and communicates much more clearly than he does, but there are still large, large gaps in her understanding, (which is to be expected, of course - but still quite challenging to work with and through.) She also is prone to not answer when asked a question (long pause, no answer.) Unless I happen to have oodles of spare time in that moment to coax out a response, it can become rather frustrating.

If you are in process to adopt children who are of speaking age, do not underestimate the time and work it will take to be able to truly communicate with one another. For us, it continues to prove a long, winding road that requires a great deal of patience and trust that things will eventually get better - that there will one day be more give and take, back and forth.

If you have been down this path and have helpful suggestions, I'm all ears.

Simple Pleasures

~Sleeping on line dried sheets~

Did you know....

that peppermint oil will cure a headache? It will! Simply smelling it usually does the trick. If not, a dab behind each ear will do.
************************
After a great deal of (very confusing - for every pro there was a con and vise versa - my mind was swimming in a long list of pros and cons from every angle) deliberation on the subject of school for Meadow (and the other kids), late one night Bobby asked me, "what exactly do you need?" {in this situation}.

I don't know.....it's such a difficult decision.
There is too much to consider. How could I possibly carefully weigh all involved factors? The needs of each child academically, emotionally, spiritually. Meadow's particular situation, academically, emotionally, spiritually. The family unit as a whole. What I can realistically handle in a day's time. Scheduling. My own needs and limitations.

It is about education - and a lot more.

It seemed so immense.




I need God.
My brain is on overload. I'm just completely perplexed. I need Him to give me an answer. I need some peace.

This became my fervent prayer:
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

We have decided to keep Meadow (and the rest of the children) home for school and reevaluate in December during the Christmas break. I am peaceful with this decision and feel confident it is the best choice at this time.

In regard to Miss Meadow, if I give her plenty of positive reinforcement and attention, she does quite well. It is when I begin to slip on this - getting busy with the daily tasks and the business of keeping our lives afloat - or if I become overwhelmed by her neediness and begin to withdraw to a certain degree, avoiding giving her what I am sure she requires - that she will seek out attention any way she can get it. Even through undesirable behavior - which usually shows itself with her siblings. She is a sensitive young lady, and she longs to know that she is wanted, lovely, loved, adored, welcomed, seen. She desperately wants to belong and regularly feels the urge to compare.

So, I'm beginning to recognize her thought/behavior patterns and the patterns she and I have developed together. It takes a lot of thought to sift through and reflect on when and why things are happening the way they are. Children are not exactly prone to break it down for you and say, "hey mom, I began to behave this way because I felt this......" (How nice it would be if they did!)

God is giving me wisdom and insight and I am growing in my understanding of the unique needs of my sweet daughter. I am beyond grateful for this.

She really is a wonderful girl and I am quite hopeful for the future of our family as a whole and her finding a more secure place in it.

It's such an enormous learning curve, forming a cohesive family unit through adoption of older children. For all of us. We have a lot to learn. It can be a rather painful process.

We are thankful for the opportunity to navigate these waters. Even the bumpy times are worthwhile - it is in the most turbulent moments that we seem to be most teachable - when we get to a place of absolute recognition that there is no way we can do this alone. It is far beyond our capability.

We cry out to God. He hears our voice. And in due time, He answers our prayers.

My very dear friend offered to take all 7 of my children for an afternoon to give me a break, then bring dinner to us when she brought the kids home. She insisted really. Emailing me something like "this is THE PLAN" with the lowdown for the logistics of how it would happen. Period.

Normally, I would resist equally as strong as she would insist. "No, no, no. Thank you for offering! We're ok. Really. Gosh, that's so sweet of you to ask. Not necessary." It was quite difficult for me to not say those very words. But I did not. Humbling myself, I said, "yes, thank you."

I've never been great at taking time away, for myself.

One critical thing I've learned only very, very recently is to be willing to take assistance when it is offered. When I get run down and depleted, I have got to find ways to restore mental, physical, and emotional energy - without feeling badly about it. And there is nothing at all wrong with that! No one can maintain a rigorous work schedule day in and day out, week by week, month after month with no true respite. I surely can not.

On the road I've been traveling as of late, I've begun to recognize that there are some major and minor adjustments necessary for me to be able to fulfill my role in our home. Changes were going to be essential.

My Life's New Game Plan for this stage involves allowing myself the opportunity to say yes more often. Not "yes, but I feel guilty" or "yes, but I will apologize endlessly because of my need to say yes" or "yes, but I will doubt my own worthiness as a person/woman/mom/wife because I'm saying yes," Simply yes. I'll take you up on that.

Yes, I would love to....get away for an afternoon.
Yes, I will....take an evening out with my husband.
Yes, I would like....a bubble bath or a long walk alone or time by myself to read a book.
Yes, I will....go for a cup of coffee.

Yes, I need to refocus and reflect and rejuvenate and fill my tank so I have something wonderful and patient and kind hearted and compassionate to give to my little ones - rather than the frazzled leftovers of a woman who is clearly in need of some personal restoration. Of course, that requires time. During this season it means another person must take the helm for a while with the children. If someone I trust offers to lend a helping hand, the answer will be yes. Yes!

Innocently Enough...

The kids and I drove here to drop off vitamins yesterday morning.

There were no plans on my calendar to leave town anytime in the near (or distant!) future.

We just started talking and I'm not exactly sure how it happened, ☺ but, by the time we left, I was seriously scheeming a way to get there considering going to this.

At the end of the day, I had a plane ticket.

As of this morning, reservations for the conference have been made.

What do you know? I'm going to Austin! I've never been to Austin!

This all confirmed that I married one of the very best men on earth. Allowing me to set this up and leave (next week!) while he holds down the (rather large and loud) fort is really something.

I'm have big, big love for Mr. Deutsch.

~Giveaway~

Everybody (and I do mean everybody!) loves a giveaway, right? Yes, yes. They do! Even if you have no use whatsoever for the *giveaway* item, the thrill alone of WINNING something FREE is exhilerating. Clearly, if you WIN, you are a WINNER! Indeed!
So, you might want to check this out. It could quite possibly put you on the fast track to winnerhood. And that's just a fun place to be.

We are weighing out the option of placing Meadow in public school. I believe it may give all of us a little rest, including Meadow. On the academic side, I believe she could benefit from more specialized instruction from teachers that are far better qualified than myself to deal with English as a second language.

On a personal note, it may be some relief for her to have time away from her siblings, and vise versa. Although according to age she should be grade 1, she would have to enter K.

She has been showing some aggression toward the other children in the house, with the exception of Flint. Briefly put, she says she feels "mad inside" at Jayla, Onyx, Tyden, Stryder and Clover.

I really haven't the foggiest idea what would be best. I don't want to single her out by sending her away, especially if she already feels different from her brothers and sisters. But quite frankly, having her gone for a while would be helpful to me as I feel completely maxed out - responding to constant "issues."

Praying, praying, praying....
We need clarity.

*

Saw this on another blog and thought it was a fun (albiet self-indulgent) idea. But, I am not at all interested in housecleaning, which I am supposed be doing right now, so this seemed like a fantastic time to indulge!

True or False?

• We give our kids showers assembly line style - girls first, then boys, using about half a tub of water for all 7 of them.
• Bobby and I were part of a Christian cult in our early 20's.
• That group made us wait 3 years to get married by their minister - until we had completed their series of classes (which had nothing to do with marriage!).
• My preference is for great novels and only I read self help or instructional books if there is a SEVERE need for information or they come HIGHLY recommended.
• I used to think 4 children was a *very* large family.
• We currently do not drink any soda.
• I would love a sleeve of tattoos if they were free of charge and I didn't feel they would be a stumbling block for others.
• There are exactly 20 blogs on my google reader.
• I try to avoid facebook as much as possible anymore and regularly consider closing my account.
• Roughly 60 books is the number we check out each week from our public library and I usually end up purchasing at least one due to loss or destruction.
• If I could go back, I would only adopt children with 2 deceased parents and am grieved by the fact that each of our adopted kids have a living father.
• My husband still makes me weak in the knees.
• His shaved head was the result of a botched haircut I gave him 14 years ago - we both liked it, so it stuck. (Well, there was that and the whole male pattern baldness thing that was going on.)
• I am a risk taker by nature and am drawn to the extremes so I rely on him to help reign me in and provide a measure of balance.
• Although an appreciation for the benefit of God's people assembling is there, we don't particularly care for the institutionalization or business aspect of church and we often enjoy worshipping together at home as a family.
• (I like to say) I would not take chemo and if the jig is up for me, then it is up. (I reserve the right to change my mind on this one!! :)
• A large part of the reason I steer away from shopping/materialism/consumerism has little to do with not liking nice or pretty or useful things, and much more to do with the fact that I experience an adverse physical reaction to clutter.
• I enjoy a hearty debate and am not bothered by confrontation, but have become convicted that it is something I should avoid in an effort to grow in graciousness.
• Encouraging my girlfriends to develop a mindset and habit of saying "yes" to their husbands is something I tend to do if the subject turns toward *that* topic in conversation. {Blush}
• I have not been baptized (outside of a Catholic church ceremony as a baby) and am often confused as to whether or not I should do it now, unless it was solely to please my pastor, which is not going to happen.
• We still use pay as you go phones and do not text.
• I have a soft spot for Conway Twitty music.
• I wish I was bold enough to let my hair be its natural color and not cover the grey.
• Calendar overcommitment is not something our family deals with - if anything, we are under engaged.

All TRUE!

Ok, no more excuses. Time to clean the floor. Boo!

Camping - we had the pool to ourselves. Which was really good. Because of the vomit incident....
I'll just leave it at that.

Words fitly spoken

It was planned for weeks, but happened to occur at the exact right point in time. (Funny how things work out like that.) I had the opportunity to meet with her for a Mom's Playdate. You know the type of event that is, right? If not, I'll fill you in :) It's where the moms like to sit on park benches and have ((much needed)) theraputic, heart to heart, woman to woman conversations about grown-up topics while they repetitively shoo away the children who are supposed to be enjoying park amenities but are instead interrupting the ((much needed)) discussion every few seconds for one thing or another.

Through the blog world, I had become quite a fan of Jennifer. The subjects she would write about and they way she would express herself really resonated with me and I developed admiration and respect for her.

She shared some thoughts and ideas today that did wonders to validate and to help me begin to alleviate the guilt, fear, and pressure I have been recently facing. I'm sure she didn't even realize how much it helped me altar my perspective and expectations.

I praised God all the way home - for His perfect timing - for the sisterhood of friendship that is entirely unique and so vitally necessary to us as women, moms, wives, adoptive parents - for wise words spoken in precisely the right moments - for knowing exactly what we need - and for providing good gifts that serve to uplift our souls when they grow weary. Thank you.

Meadow's hair has a super tight curl. It is just beginning to really grow out from when we had to shave it due to the Not Nice Lice she had a terrible case of upon leaving Ethiopia. Now that it is getting a little bit longer, it is taking a lot more time to manage - it is very tough to comb through no matter how much I condition and wet it. I would love to take her to get it braided, but I'm afraid it is still too short for that.
I was thinking of perhaps trying this to see if it would make it easier to work with.
Has anyone had any experience with these types of products they would be willing to share?

The post in which I *expose* myself.

I know you're only supposed to write about serious struggle after the fact. When you are all better and you can shout from the rooftops how God brought you out of the pit and all of that. It's what people like to hear. Warning: If you are one of those people, kindly click the little x in your upper right corner please. Thank you.

For the rest of you,

Last night we were watching some videos of years gone by. I couldn't stop crying. For my babies who are no longer babies. And for myself. The woman on those videos. The one who had seemingly free flowing joy and easy laughter and oozed sweetness and affection toward her little ones.

Because I am no longer her. I had even forgotten she existed. She looked like a total stranger to me.

I've definitely been challenged - wondering often if it was too much to take on.

Having 7 kids right on top of each other, all at young enough ages that no one can stay home alone or be of any truly significant help without constant doses of repetitive instruction and oversight, is hard.
It is very, very hard. For many reasons.

And there is that other thing that weighs heavily on me, always in the back of my mind, accusing me, reminding me of my failures. I'm not the adoptive parent I thought I would be. Not even close. It is a million times more difficult than I expected. Really. And I expected it to be tough. I pretty much stink at it all the way around. I'm not even kidding or being cutely self deprecating or seeking some sort of compliment. I mean it. I think I'm getting worse as time goes by.

There was a moment while we were at the cabin where JOTSC, Bob and myself were sitting outside, while M & F happened to be inside doing something. It dawned on me how nice it was. Less complicated.

The guilt that follows a thought like that engulfs me. And it is then that I believe I am the worst thing that ever happened to those precious children.

Meadow and Flint feel like vast holes to me that I will never be able to fill up.

Nor am I the biological parent I thought I would be. Not even close - not anymore.
I'm not the woman or friend or wife I thought I would be either. I know everyone can say that, but at this time, I feel {extraordinarily} far from it, as if I may never even be to a point again where I can feel at all content with my state - perfectly imperfect, flawed but faithful.

I am some kind of edgy, crazed, hanging on by a thin thread, drained person.

There is no real reprieve from the overwhelming work load. I feel completely assaulted by constant need - henpecked.
Tethered to a flock of small people who are often utterly senseless and astonishingly egocentric, ready and willing, eager to vigorously fight with one another over the most minute infractions.

I pray and read my bible and pick myself up - find the strength to carry on - apologize as needed - give hugs and kisses - words of encouragement - I can function - but my "good" place these days is far below where it once was.

I could not imagine doing a homestudy right now. I would fall off my chair laughing at the fact that they would suppose me an adequate parent for adopted children. I could certainly not present myself as such.

Sometimes I wonder if God is really here with the kids - why didn't He give them the kind of mother that would be most beneficial for them?

I told my family I think I may be depressed. My daughter said maybe I should consider {particular brand of prescription medication heard on a commercial} :) I had to laugh. She might be right. I don't know....

And then, despite my best efforts to the contrary, I'm getting fat. So, whatever.

I do realize this is not the least bit eloquent or uplifting or inspiring. I don't have much to say about that. It just is what it is. I don't mean to wallow. I know it sounds that way.

The reason I am sharing it is because if you do feel or have ever felt the way I described, you are absolutely not alone.

Give me Jesus.

Field Trip to Walgreens

Shopping for gummy vitamins. Most of you probably already know why. If not, you might want to take a quick look. Go on, I'll wait. :)

Last night when we got home from our getaway, we saw the pictures of the kids on our computer screen. We talked a bit about the program and the eggs and the need. Then, we found Sierra Leone on the world map. The (older) kids pulled out their allowance envelopes and decided how much they would like to give, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (the youngest didn't have any envelopes...or money...but they ((cheerfully!)) watched.) Their combined total was $25.
Bobby and I told them we would match them dollar for dollar. They purchased 260 vitamins with their money, and I bought 260 vitamins with ours.

520 tiny pebbles.

Going *Camping* (Again)

For a couple of days, during the week. Because we homeschoolers are crazy like that. Although, I don't know if you can technically call it camping. We are staying in the cutest log cabin complete with a little house on the prairie loft and ladder. (I know!) It has beds and a refrigerator and a stove and fireplace (and a bathroom with a jacuzzi tub!) Yes, indeed. Did I mention the jacuzzi tub? I thought I did.
I do believe it may be the only kind of "camping" I do for the rest of my life the next several years. Until our kids are old enough to go to the restrooms by themselves. Which may be never ever ever if I have anything to say about it  a very long time like forever. That tent that I plan to avoid sleeping in at all costs makes a nice back yard retreat. You know, for the children. And perhaps their father. :)
Unplugging for the adventure. It just seems appropriate.

We'll catch up soon....

THINGS can NOT make me happy

 

How true is that? So true, so true. Except for when they can. Like (obviously) today (cast iron anyone?). I try to only purchase things I really adore and nothing that I'm only mildly fond of. It leaves me saying 'no' to many, many items that I might otherwise indulge in. These flowers on the wall definitely and easily fell into the Adore Category. They arrived in the mail this afternoon. Making me very happy.

I will look at them all winter long and pretend that flowers are actually in bloom. Because although everyone else I know seems to be crazy joyful about pumpkins and spice and hot chocolate and sweaters and all of that, I not so much a fan of autumn. It means winter is coming. Then, spring will follow. And in Colorado, spring is just code for wetter snow. With 7 energetic (homeschooling) kids (4 boys!) being stuck indoors is recipe for a massive dose of C A B I N F E V E R. We get used to it and find a new, (cabin fever) cold weather rhythm that includes lots of puzzles and baking and soup making and me trying (rather pathetically) to construct (rather pathetic) crafts. Then, it finally warms up again. And another winter bites the dust, leaving me wondering where the time has gone.
I should really try to enjoy them more. Maybe this year I will focus on the "good" parts of winter.

Until then, I heart summer. And my new flowers.

Skillet cakes

My food photography leaves much to be desired, I know. I'll blame it on my cheap camera. And, my cheap camera would probably blame it on me. But still, I want to share this secret with you. Shhh.
We have a large teflon griddle that I've always made pancakes on. Until recently. When I discovered the joy of cast iron skillet cooking and seasoning. (I found my skillet at a thrift store, brand new, for $9 and have been using it almost daily ever since for all sorts of different foods.) The edges of pancakes cooked this way are crispy heavenly scrumptious. Place a little butter in the skillet before you drop the batter, and my oh my, mouths in your house will be mega pleased with the results. Which will cause them to be (eerily) quiet as they satisfy their hunger by savoring your fine culinary skills, raving (on the inside, because they would not dare talk with mouths full of deliciousness!) about the extraordinary mother they get to call their very own. And you just can not put a price tag on those few moments of exquisite peace.
**Happiness is found in cast iron** I'm sure of it.

Six

Let's give Tinkerbell the night off.

He lost his first tooth this afternoon. Then, he lost the tooth he just lost. Then, he lost his composure over the *lost lost* tooth. So, he was crying (and crying) carrying on (and on) about needing the *lost lost* tooth to turn over in his sleep to the delicate winged creature that will flutter by tonight and drop him some {$$cha-ching$$} cash money in exchange for the precious tiny piece of *lost lost* enamel.
"I know what happened! Clover took the tooth away!" He convincingly announced, persuasively pointing his right index finger straight up in the air for added emphasis to increase believeablity. Um, boy, Clover has been peacefully napping away in mom's room through the entire *lost lost* tooth drama drama. Nice try son.
I gave him a dollar to ease his pain. (And mine. Because of the crying (and crying.)
There, there sweetie pie sugar cake jack o lantern boy. Now, we can all sleep well tonight. Including the tooth coveting little fairy lady.

Strangely enough, I identify with Meadow.

I am never sure how much of my history to share and how it should be phrased, out of concern for my parent's feelings and a desire to honor them.
Their story is part of mine.
Our lives and choices are inextricably linked - intertwined - part of my make up, my development, and the way I have come to view the world.
For better and for worse, I know no way around that reality.
It is the nature of family.

Their marriage ended when I was 11 and their problems began long before that.

As is likely the case in many divorces, there were a period of years (essentially the rest of my childhood) that were extremely turbulent, while my mom and dad were quite absorbed in finding their way as newly single people - sorting out what they wanted for the next chapter of their lives after 16 years of marriage - relishing the new found freedom and release - mourning the loss and the end - working to heal from the wounds they inflicted upon themselves, upon one another. Romantic relationships began for each of them - some ended, some continued. A new family was formed for one of my parents. I was not, and am still not, one of the members of the new configuration.

And there are definite scars. Deep feelings of inadequacy and being unworthy of parental time, attention, devotion, and even love. Children just don't know how to process and understand the intricacies of complicated adult relationships. They take it all on themselves and personalize - they absorb blame that isn't theirs. They believe if they had just [fill in the blank] everything could have been better, right, as it should be.

Even in my mid 30's, when I fully know better, those deep seated beliefs about myself that began as a child are sometimes hard to chase away. They crop back up from time to time, usually prompted by something circumstantial.

Like my recently adopted daughter's own feelings of unworthiness.

I really get that. What she is saying. I have not been in her shoes, but definitely, I understand, to a degree, the emotions she expresses.

I think about how to help her, what to say, what to do, where to turn, how to behave so she can become certain, to the very depth of her young being, that she is treasured.
And I recall my own path.

God loved me, when I thought myself unlovable. He put me back together, when I thought myself irrevocably broken. He accompanied me, when I thought myself unworthy of His time. He met me in the dark moments, when I truly thought myself deserving of abandonment. He became my companion. He healed my broken heart. And, He continues to heal my heart. Every time it breaks.

He taught me to trust and to lean and to rely and to give unreservedly looking to Him as the Source of my fulfillment, the One who will give back to me, limitlessly, the One who doesn't tire of me, the One who won't decide He wants something, someone else for Himself. He wants me. Always.
He delights in me.
I am Loved by The King.

He gave me new life. And it is full of hope and abounding love.

Her story is entirely different, her journey is not mine.
But I know, without a doubt, He will do the same for my daughter.
The lovely, worthy Miss Meadow.
He delights in her.
And I do too.
She is Loved by The King.
And by me.

I will lead her to Him.

Labor Day

They are so close

Jayla and Meadow. They have been ever since the day we brought Meadow home. Instantly, they hit it off, the best of friends, sisters. Peas and carrots. Or, a chocolate and vanilla swirl. :)
Their bond was immediate and strong.

Jayla was tremendously beneficial to me those first few days and weeks. When it was very hard for me. When I was terribly sick. When I was in a state of post adoptive shock - happy to be home to my babies whom I missed horribly while we were in Ethiopia, uncertain about how or when things would ever feel normal again. When I felt ill prepared. I had no idea it would be like this. Jayla took Meadow under her wing. She was her playmate. Her English teacher. Her Deutsch family guide.

Meadow was fragile. Jaya, unwavering in her excitement and gratitude for Meadow's presence, served as an anchor for the frightened, wounded little girl. They spent their hours and days together, engaging in all things girly. While it was clear from the start Meadow and I had much hard work to do, Jayla was there to simply enjoy her new sister. And she did.

I quickly became abundantly thankful for Jayla. She showed me, in vivid, living color, what pure, unadulterated, welcoming, enveloping, "I take you just as you are" love looked like.

She was my guide too.

I suppose the closeness between them was bound to breed competition. How could it not?

This afternoon, Meadow told me she feels that I love Jayla more than I love her.

Oh, My Heart.

A couple of weeks ago, the girls went to Bobby's parent's house for a sleep over. I missed them very much. I could.not.wait. for Jayla to come back. I was happy to see Meadow home again too. But it was not exactly the same as how I yearned for Jayla's presence or missed her in her absence.

I cried, talked to Bob. Felt such a sense of guilt over the difference.

I've known Jayla for 9 years. She was my first born. We've been through the ups and downs of each stage of her life. I've missed so little, been with her so much. Loved her deeply. I would give my life for her, without hesitation, with no reserve, without second thought. She is my baby. Our bond is unbreakable. The love is natural, free flowing, bountiful.
I've known Meadow for 6 months. I know extremely little about her history, her ups and downs, the stages of her life. I've missed so much, been with her so little. She can communicate clearly what is concrete, but has a more difficult time with what is abstract - feelings, emotions, thoughts, experiences. They mostly just show in behaviors. Behaviors that can be rather draining to deal with. It's hard to dig down to root of the issues she faces. I try to help her in every way I can. I love her deeply. I am committed to her.

But it is not the same.

Meadow is right.

And as an adoptive mother, my heart breaks for that precious little girl who lost her mommy that knew her when....and loved her so.

These things take time. For me, it is taking time. I am getting there, but it is a gradual, building process. Meadow is a big girl. A perceptive, sensitive one.

She knows - I am a willing spirit, but a sub par replacement.

God draw near to us. She and I need You.

Encouraged

What a difference a week makes! After some much needed modifications our school routine is significantly better.
This week we had a good and natural blend of me imparting information to them, and the kids pursuing their own interests and agendas.

J, O and myself are memorizing Isaiah 58 from the NIV and have made it through verse 5.

We read in the Bible about Israel demanding a king, Saul's rise and fall, his fluctuating relationship with David, Jonathon and David's friendship, and David's journey to the throne.

During a discussion about the world's major rivers and how ancient civilizations began around them growing crops like corn and rice in the rich soil, we had time to follow a tangent and watch some youtube videos about what rice fields look like and how rice is harvested. We They learned what tributaries are.

All of them wrote and illustrated 2 books entitled: If Kids Were in Charge and When I Grow Up. (The younger ones had help.)

Jayla researched and wrote a (one page) report on shihtzu dogs. Onyx wrote one on the planets. He spent hours online reading on about outer space and learned things like, "stars are just really big balls of gas!" His great grandpa, who was a WWII pilot, taught him that in the night sky, stars twinkle and planets don't.

Jayla checked out some cook books from around the world at the library. She tried a recipe from Poland (honey cake) and one from Italy (dead bone cookies) this week - needing to double them of course for our brood - she liked them so she typed and printed them to put in her own book of recipes. She also made a house and tree from popcicle sticks and egg cartons during her quiet time.

They watched an hour of Planet Earth and did their Saxon Math assignments.

Tyden is working on naming the 7 continents. He is consistently naming 5 and usually misses 1 or 2.

Meadow is writing her numbers to 30 without an example to follow and she can spell Deutsch (no small task!) ! Flint can copy sentences and is working on his letters. His handwriting is very neat and he has excellent focus!

Onyx helped me make pear banana pancakes for breakfast yesterday and I had various supper helpers throughout the week.

They are all working hard on their contributions to the family through chores and responsibilites.

The older kids read to the younger at various times throughout the day.

On the nights he is home, Bobby is reading Swiss Family Robinson to us before bed. He finished chapter 9 this week.

I am humbly, incredibly grateful to God for reassurance, wisdom concerning how to proceed, and *more* peace *than last week*
He is good to me. I am fully reliant.

We are meeting friends at a park in town this morning to enjoy this beautiful weather. Because we can. :)