Some Things

~ Had a fantastic home schooling week. Our rhythm is pretty well established now and I am getting better at working with the kids in their 3 groups: 3rd graders, kindergartners, and preschoolers. We are getting a lot acomplished yet maintaining an easy flow. First semester J&O do history and geography. They finished up a long study that centered mostly in the Roman Empire, and rounded out with the vikings. We will begin a long study on American History next, which will take us through December. Then, second semester they focus on science. Saxon math is year round, as is reading and writing.
T&M are practicing reading with Bob books and library books, as well as adding and doing spelling words. F&S are writing their letters and numbers. Clover is looking adorable and cutting up lots of scrap paper. We are through chapter 13 of Little House and read about John the Baptist this week, until the time he baptized Jesus.
I am thankful to be spending my days with my people whom I love.
They teach me as I teach them and sometimes it's hard but it truly is a wonderful life.

~ Getting ready to sign the 4 big kids up for Upwards Basketball which begins in January. Trying not to hyperventilate. That is a huge schedule commitment for evening practices and Saturday games. I don't really do well with little things like having to leave the house on a consistent basis. The busy life is so not for me. It's only 3 months, it's only 3 months, it's only 3 months....
They will enjoy it. And I will enjoy watching them enjoy it. It is an excellent program. And it takes place in the winter months that are too cold to get outside and play much, so the exercise is good for them.

~ I would love, love, love to have a baby and mourn each time the unfortunate monthly visit from *you know who* arrives. I hold great hope and pray for God's will to be done, whatever it may be.

~ Listening to some superb Keller sermons lately. He did a series on the biggest problems/complaints/obstacles people have with Christianity beginning in Jan 2010. Good, good stuff.

~ We have hot water again! Rejoice!

Nothing to show you how spoiled you are like having your hot water heater go out.
It's been 3 days.
FedEx had to send the part for the European tankless unit thing we have.
Someone is coming to fix it within the hour.

I (used to, until the past 3 days) secretly dream of being Amish. Or living in the late 1800's.

I am now convinced, they are foolish pipe dreams. I wouldn't make it.

Hot water is just too important to me.

I ♥ Plumbers!

Have you seen these?

Usborne books? I had not. Until yesterday, that is.
I ordered some to stuff the kids' stockings for Christmas. (Or, more specifically to lay beside the stockings. Because they are too large to actually stuff inside. *Minor technicality*)
Anyway, not one to normally purchase many books, (especially brand new ones) because of our heart felt affection for the public library in all its gloriously ((free)) splendor, (and my allegiance to thrift stores) I was mainly buying them to help support the Heldt's adoption of 2 very special little girls with down syndrome. They are a tremendous family. I admire Brianna a lot and am certainly inspired by her life, and her heart for these girls.

When I received the books yesterday, I was amazed! The quality and content is impressive. So much so, that I went back for another oder. If you have not seen them, you should take a look. It might just enable you to mark a great big satisfying check off your Christmas list, while assisting a wonderful family with their adoption costs. The physical act of making checkmarks off lists releases endorphins you know. As does helping others. Really, does it get any better than that?! A double dose of endorphin releasing goodness.

Here they are. All proceeds from this sale, held by Jennifer Isaac, are going toward the Heldt's adoption fund. It ends Friday! Hurry, hurry!

*

Loving my children effusively, openly, outwardly was perfectly fine. It was accepted by everyone in the family. To them, it became expected, savored, cherished. I wrote ooey gooey blog posts to them, for them, about them, sharing my heart and theirs. The showering of affection could take place with no threat, no backlash, no hurt feelings.
They were pretty secure, and I was too.

I could drink in the soft scent of the little ones as I hold them in my lap. I could cuddle up with them on the couch with a warm blanket and a book. I was able to listen to the thoughts and words and expressions of the older kids and marvel at how wonderful, intelligent, amazing they are becoming as they grow and develop. I would see them navigate relationships, interact with one another and change with time. I could hear their priorities and ideas and goals and vision for their futures. I could nap with the youngest and play games with the oldest. I had the space to yearn for them and long to draw them close and be with them and to unreservedly savor them with no feelings of shame, no difference. I loved being a mom. I struggled too. But I really craved my children - their closeness - their time - their hearts' connection.

I was free to do so. Without guilt.

Now, things are not like that. There is a distinction. Because I do not naturally find myself inclined toward Meadow and Flint in the exact same way. I have to work at it more. It is entirely unique to meet your children when they are already "big" kids who have a difficult history completely separate from your own. Some women may find it easy to come to mothering children in this way. I have not.

If I show affection for one, I should equally distribute. Little eyes are watching. Taking notes, keeping score. It's easier to carefully avoid engaging anyone too much, as to not offend the under-engaged.

I no longer feel free. And I can not escape the guilt.

I hate that.

I miss the mom I used to be.

I grow tired of seeing my own constantly present brokenness.

I want to be able to just love my babies.

All 7 of them.

And, it's Monday

1. It is October 25 in Colorado and we have yet to turn our furnace on this year. (No, 60 degrees indoors is not that cold.)

2. Kids decided to paint pumpkins this year over carving them. I was happy about not having to scrape 7 pumpkins out!

3. I am completely finished Christmas shopping for the kids, including *the coveted* box of sugary cereal per child. (Usually the kids are all I buy for. But this year I bought a gift for Bobby too. Then, I told him about it. Then, it arrived in the mail and I gave it to him! Merry Christmas honey love!)

4. With a couple of exceptions, Flint's birthday didn't really get recognized by extended family the way the other kids' birthdays are. Not sure what to do/think/say about that.

5. Stryder sang to us over breakfast, loud and proud: "The b-l-e-l-e, yes that's the book for me, I stand upon the word of God, the b-l-e-l-e Bible!" (He was super cute and quite pleased with himself, so I didn't tell him that song sends shivers down my spine. Blast from the cult past.)

6. Flint said a naughty word today, with a heavy Ethiopian accent, then laughed like it was funny, funny funny. Yes, I know. That is terrible! Really. I need to focus on my vocabulary. At.All.Times.
*Even when I open the cabinet and the stack of dishes my sweet sons "put away" splatter all over tile and break into pieces.* And, even when Clover spills the container of beads so they COVER the kitchen floor, and we clean them up. So she may promptly she dump them again.* And, even when they think it is ok to swing from the curtain rod ripping it right out of the wall.* And, even when we have 4 boys within a 3 year span who believe it is their birthright to (quite possibly) literally try to kill one another, in the name of playing together.* And, even when getting into the van to leave the house results in a black eye for one of the previously mentioned boys.*
(Why, why, why? This is what I ask myself. As I scratch my head in near disbelief. Right before I shamefully utter words better bleeped out.)
Yes, even then. I think I shall say, "oh pickles!"

Guess who got a hair cut?
Hint: It wasn't Jayla
Somehow, calling him The Wookie just no longer seems fitting.

She Adds

Or counts. Whatever you want to call it. :)

Check out that hair! {Illuminated}
Clearly, I am no better with Clover's hair than I am with Meadow's.

Some friends sent these school uniforms pj's for the kids.
I don't think we've had match-ey pajamas since it was just Jayla and Onyx!

If it's made with real cream straight from Izzie the cow, why not shake some ice cream up for breakfast?

Cream, sugar, and vanilla. Pure deliciousness.

I think this picture sealed the deal. :) I snapped it of Cassie about 45 seconds into our initial meeting. Super cool of me! I love Cassie.
Fun, easy, relaxed, supportive friendships where you feel like you can say anything and the person will still genuinely love and respect you don't happen just every day with just anyone. But that's exactly the kind we instantly had. I wish this Colorado back drop was more common for her.

Out on a date with mom and dad. Guess where? Tricky, I know. :)

I truly used to believe that we would adopt as many children as we possibly could.
I was one of those women who was incredibly inspired by those who set aside their own time, finances and comfort to make room, those who took great risk to welcome children in need into their homes, their lives, their hearts. I knew for sure we had a desire for a large family, and that we really loved having a house full of kids. I thought we would be good candidates for parenting kids from "hard places."

Our kids have been home 8 months and my perspective has completely changed.

Parenting kids from hard places has proven much more challenging than I expected, in ways I never would have anticipated.

It was not until after our kids were home that I realized how vulnerable our family was, how vulnerable our children had become. We brought them in, sight unseen, knowing next to no information about their exposure, their behaviors, their past, their tendencies. It was an As Is deal, for better or worse. Which, in theory, is a beautiful notion of love. Absolutely. And sometimes that works out amazingly well. Perhaps, even most of the time.

Some people adamantly say that it is irresponsible, unprofitable to share our stories of struggle. What if it turns people who otherwise would have adopted, off and children unnecessarily continue to wait? Not every one has difficulty after all. There are countless success stories.

To that, I would say, that I believe that the realities of adoption should be spoken - with as much grace as possible. That the adoptive community at large may be wise to embrace the knowledge that only those who have experiential insight can accurately relate. So that generous people, parents with big hearts, go into it with a clearer understanding of what may they may face. So dads and moms are less blindsided than they may have otherwise been. So the shame they may feel, alone, as if everyone else is somehow doing this adoption thing better than they are, can be released. So support and healing can be ushered in.

Our family has struggled, yes. But I do not for one minute believe that means our story is not a 'success.' It has not be the easiest road. It has not been the most difficult.
We have rejoiced in marvelous breakthroughs, mourned discouraging set backs, moved forward and back, lived, made mistakes, repented, and learned. Much reflection and a whole new level of self awareness has grown. A deeper sense of compassion for our brothers and sisters on this journey has emerged. Redemption has taken on a whole new meaning.

God has seemed far away.
God has seemed nearer than our next breath.
We have fallen to our knees.
He has been faithful.

I don't know what the future holds or if we will again feel led toward adoption.
I hesitate to make plans anymore.

What I do know is this story, with all of its flaws and foibles, is gloriously to be continued......

Fun

If I had to guess, I would say rare is the time that California Pizza Kitchen staff and patrons hear a conversation among a group of ladies like the one we had there last night. :) Amazing, amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate, kind women around that table. I'm thankful for the opportunity.

Hypocricy

Me, speaking to Jayla: Did I ask you if you were interested in participating in the Christmas play at church?

Jayla: Yes.

Me: Did I also ask you if you would like to try out for a speaking part?

Jayla: Yes.

Me: What was your answer?

Jayla: That I would like to be in the play and have a speaking part.

Me: (much too ((loudly)) and emphatically for dramatic effect, waving my hands around, acting like a total know it all who would never, ever do such outrageous things herself): Then why are you complaining about having to learn your lines!? You said you wanted to do this, so I am making the effort to get you where you need to go when you  need to be there to participate, (NOT EASY WITH A BOATLOAD OF CHILDREN IN TOW!) and you are moaning and groaning?! (The nerve!) It's reminding me of when you were thrilled about the idea of getting a guinea pig, until you had one and needed to begin regularly cleaning his cage.....(Way to go mom! Toss in a nice little throw back to the past, to really drive the point home.)

*This is when I began lecturing her about the importance of follow through. I'll spare you that whole bit. Trust me, it was rich.*

Jayla: (Feeling quite unnecessarily consumed with guilt heaped upon her by her mother convicted,) I won't complain anymore.

Me: (Smugly, because I have made my point so forcefully eloquently and berated enlightened my sweet daughter to the error of my her ways.) Great, thank you.

And, I have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Because the hypocrisy just flows freely. Right out of my mouth.

As I utter the words to my girl, "teaching" her about how to engage in responsibility and think through the costs, I become deeply convicted. Isn't this exactly what I have done? What I often do? Take something on - wholeheartedly (at the time when it seemed like such a good idea) - then find myself disgruntled, overwhelmed, discouraged, dismayed, when the going gets tough and it's time to step up and do the hard work day after day? Don't I wish things were easier too? That I had less inconveniences to manage? Don't I complain in the very same way about what is difficult for me?
Yes. I do.

On a larger scale - where the commitment to my decisions is greater, more important, where a great deal hangs in the balance - I am a lot like my daughter.

Engaging ourselves in truly worthwhile activity is rarely easy.
The rewards of accomplishment and progress and breakthrough and gratitude for earning something truly valuable through exertion, and genuine satisfaction to the soul, are reserved for the faithful.

Thank you Jayla for the lesson.

Flint turns 5 today

But, this is his first ever Birthday.

Some Things

We finished reading Little House in the Big Woods and began Little House on the Prairie. Gosh, have I mentioned I love these? The books are even better than the shows - more detail about how they conducted their every day lives.
I've been thinking about why they are so appealing to me, and I might have some of the allure figured out. Those people were incredibly connected - to the earth, to their food, to the land, to God, and to one another. It's such a stretch from where many of us are today - removed - from the earth, from the land, from God, and from one another. As far as we have come in our day and age, there is a great deal we can learn from a nice long look back to the time when dependence and gratitude were constant companions, hand in hand.
**********
I have been walking and jogging with David Platt on my iTouch - beyond the Radical series - to the regular church sermons. The Church at Brook Hills went through the entire Bible beginning in the Old Testament. This is some GOOD BIBLE TEACHING! Hallelujah. There are no bullet point topics or 5 simple steps to the life you want....He is not overly charismatic or humorous or charming or full of provocative stories. He is a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ and a lover of scripture. The sermons are served from the Bible - straight up.
*Warning* He will ruin you for fluffy, superficial, "current" preaching and you will clearly see, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Word of God IS relevant. {Praise}
***********
Cassie is coming to Colorado and I get to meet her. I am crazy excited. (She has the cutest 2 year old ever! Ever ever! You might want to pop on over to her blog and take a look. See? I do not lie!)
When I think about Cassie, the first thing that comes to mind is a true friend. If you had something amazing happen to you, and you wanted to tell someone, the first person you would think of is Cassie. If you had something terrible happen to you, and you wanted to tell someone, the first person you would think of is Cassie. She is the type of friend who will weep with you - and even harder to find - the type of friend who will sincerely rejoice with you. What a rare gift.
I can write corny e mails to her (and I do!) and never worry they are taken the wrong way. She has a great sense of humor, is light hearted, can fluently speak the *official language* Sarcasm with even out a hint of unkindness, and doesn't seem to take herself too seriously. When I mistakenly said something wrong a couple of months ago, like it's such-and-such-day-and-month 2009 - she corrected me by saying "I think it's 2010, but don't quote me on that." ☺ Now, don't you just love that?  I do too. I can hardly wait.
************
Our family is going to Nate and Anastasia's house for dinner tonight. It's because Nate and Anastasia are very brave.

Who knew?

Sometimes, McDonalds has crafts.
How about that!

And, I'm choosing to believe that they made that *special*
50 piece chicken mcnugget meal just for people like us.

NOT for football parties.

I don't care what the commercials say...

☺

Miller Farms 2010

*

- Taking a bead out of the vase each day is proving to be a great reminder for me to number my days, redeem the time and make it count. There is an actual count of sweet mornings I will wake up with them here and nights we will all go to sleep under the same roof. All seasons have an element of finality. The tactile, visual display of this definitely helps me remember. This too shall pass....And I will miss it when it does. Let me make the most of it while I've got the chance.

- There is a boy at the kids' enrichment class that is interested in Jayla. Oh, yes. I do mean that kind of interest. He has no problem making it known either. To the whole group of kids. Goodness. Does he not realize her mother could absolutely pop a cork over information such as this? As of right now, he is not exactly an exceptional prospect either - lest the Lord get a hold of that child, stop him dead in his naughty little tracks, and turn him around. Ahem. Dear Mr. Boy, our beloved Jayla is her daddy's girl until she is old enough to marry a fantastic, committed young man who comes knocking ON THE FRONT DOOR, willing to go through her father, to get to her. She is not available to respond to your oh so funny, whimsical attempts at young love. Nice try son. Now, go away....

- The whole book we are currently reading is (surprise!) Little House in the Big Woods. Shocking beyond belief, I know! The bigger kids are doing a study on ancient Rome where we they recently learned about Caesar Augusts, Mark Antony, Pompeii, and Cleopatra. Talk about a power/love/greed triangle! I've become recently convinced (as I never really learned any of this when I was in school) history is the stuff juicy novels are made of. Learning can be rather exciting indeed.

- We (finally!) have a blog book for 2007-2008 and 2009. Used blog 2 print. They turned out beautiful, were very little work for me, and I am thrilled with them. Looking back over the past couple of years, I can see that I, and my blogging, have changed so much. These books are extremely valuable to my children. It has me thinking I should do more of the type of blogging I used to where I record many of the things they say and do - the dailies, so to speak. Who cares if it is interesting to anyone else?! They are my babies. And they are incredibly fascinating to me. ☺

- Grace Based Parenting is an excellent book. Reading it has been quite convicting. {Thank you Jenn.}

- My happiness was lost. It's coming back. It is not the same as it was though.

This proves to be a different kind - more realistic - more aware - less naive - less judgemental - less black and white and certain and sure and idealistic - more unclear than ever - but willing to step into the place where joy and pain meet - exquisite companions - and dwell there. {Grateful}

Notes ~

From the evening with Sally Clarkson - The meeting was entitled: Have your best homeschooling year ever.

#1 thing she hears from moms is they feel inadequate - that's going to be a given. We will all feel that way.

Homeschooling is less about what you do or what type of curriculum you use and more about your family life as a whole - Build Relationships with your children!!

Think through - what are the elements that secure hearts for eternity? It's not about filling a bucket with information. It's about lighting a fire. Give them a passion for God, for life, for learning. YOU will be the key. You must have a passion for these things yourself. Lead by example.

Read whole books!

When your kids are younger, go back to the times of more natural learning, less technological. Get outside, go for walks, utilize books as reference materials, not just google.

Words are powerful - the child with the largest vocabulary will be able to worship more deeply, articulate more clearly, speak with more conviction.

Help them understand the many facets of our extraordinary God - He is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, holy, just, righteous, full of glory and grace and mercy....

DO NOT BE A PHARISEE!! Let go of the neurosis. It's not necessary or helpful. Love them, guide them, teach them, let them be child like, give them grace, build a relationship with them where they are comfortable coming to you.

Talk, talk, talk - together. Debate current event issues, pop culture. Get them to THINK!

Read whole books, have them write, and do basic math - yes, that is enough.
(She hired a tutor to help them prepare for SATS - her children scored extremely high)

Make sure needs are met - food for blood sugar - naps for younger kids - quiet time for everyone in the afternoon. Our brains need rest and time to refresh.

It's not about keeping a schedule, it's more about establishing rhythms.

Read whole books!

Make your home an enriching environment - set materials around the house - educational magazines, books, books, books - educational cd's to listen to on long car trips - keep electronics to a minimum in younger years.

They will have brain glitches where they just won't get it (i.e. fractions) set it down and come back later. Don't push. It will come in time. Give it a break.

Key to instructing your children - develop a relationship with them so they want to listen to you.

Love God in front of them.

Teach them to be voracious readers and good writers and spelling and grammar will naturally flow.

Be easy with your children. Every little thing is not as important as you think in the moment - that will become clear when they are grown.

Make your home The Place to Be! It is a resourse for living and learning and fun and relationship and loving God.

Read whole books. Read to them even when they are in high school.

Highschool is a prolonged adolescence. Kids 15, 16, 17 are quite capable of accomplishing great things. Expect more from them. Give them real life projects - i.e. her daughter wrote book proposal as a teen, son produced a music CD.

The goal is to ENGAGE your children, so they can think for themselves, so they will stand with God when they leave you.

Teach them to articulate their answer for the hope that lies within them.

Read, read, read. Whole books. Let them draw or color or build with legos or playdoh while you read. If their hands are busy, they may let you read to them for hours.

Celebrate the days. This is the day the Lord has made. Let go of legalism, ENJOY your children! It will fly by quickly!

Listen to music.

If you need to take a couple of months to just get your house in order, do it! Live your life. Education is not simply "school." Things come up. Don't fret about what you're not getting done. Life happens. Keep reading, engaging, building relationship, talking, loving God and each other.

Be an example. Be a mentor. God gave you YOUR children, knowing EXACTLY what YOU have on YOUR plate and YOUR limitations - there was no mistake. Work your own family's puzzle out - it is uniquely yours. Learn from one another, but do not compare. Every family will be different.

Read whole books.

God has a plan for your children - He will fill in the cracks that you miss - Think Big!

Stryder - the Lego master

Crazy hat night at awanas

Jayla's hat made from bendaroos

Dolly in Onyx's star wars contraption

Some times will be good, blissfully heart bursting gratifyingly excellent and we will smile big and show all our teeth and laugh loudly, feel deeply, profoundly. Tears of joy will well in our eyes.
Other times will be miserable. Little consolation will be found. We will search for answers, wrestle with ourselves, with our enemy, sleep little, cry much. Tears of sadness will well in our eyes.
Then the sun will begin to shine again on the dark parts of our lives and we will see truth and hope and love and peace and idealism and our faith will be renewed. Restoration. There will be moments in between, mundane or monotonous where we question whether or not we could possibly do this again, go through the motions, yet another day. But we will. Because we must. His new mercies with the dawn will appear tangible and real, necessary to us. We will rely on them. Heavily. Fully aware of our own insufficiency and His supremacy.
Introductions will be made, goodbyes tearfully, reluctantly shared. Warm embraces with friends.
There will be too few hours in most days. Others will not end soon enough.
Contentment will spontaneously erupt every once in a while without effort. When we hold our child in our lap, warm and sleepy, smelling their soft skin or when we hear their voice as they speak their first true prayer. We will stop to see the colorful sunset pink and grey and yellow and purple on the horizon and we will know God is great and magnificent and unfathomable and our life is good, meaningful, lovely, worthwhile. We will breathe deeply and take it all in. There will be unabashed, pure rejoicing. A time to dance. And dark sorrow. A time to weep. Dessert seasons, days or weeks or months or years. Dry and scorched, cracking in the heat. Other seasons lush and green and tender, fully blossoming, everything in bloom, growing. Fresh and new. We will both bask in His grace and question His presence. Anticipation or dread of something new will crop up. We will see ourselves in others and see others in ourselves. We will fall down and disappoint, become discouraged, angry. We will inspire and encourage, lift and be lifted, receive honor. We will seek forgiveness, offer it freely, and choose to withhold what we know we should give. Our own sin will show its face and we will repent. Apologize. Then struggle with it again. Moments of elation and triumph will occur. Gratitude will be expressed. Grief, lamented. Words better left unspoken will be uttered, harshness shown in places gentleness was better suited. Regret.We will work hard and toil and strain and endure and experience sweet victory and agonizing defeat.

Life is like that, isn't it?

Most of us are doing the best we can with what we've got to work with on any given occasion. We will never fully arrive. Not on this earth. There is no there. We live and learn and grow and the cycles continue.

Heaven is our only There.

A friend told me this...

A mom who is parenting children with special needs begins to develop special needs of her own.

And isn't that true?

I have never been a person who required a great deal of time alone, time away, me time, down time, or date time. A little of it was nice, sure. But I did not intensely crave it or feel as if I was dependent upon it to be able to keep going.

That has changed.

In the midst of more intense parenting than I've ever done before, I'm finding it crucial for me to set aside moments, hours, even days to get out - to refuel and reflect and replenish my reserves. In a house full of younger children, these opportunities don't always just happen, Bobby and I have to take the steps together to ensure that we each have the chance to step out and acquire some necessary reprieve - both as a couple and alone. That's the part where I would usually get tripped up - making it happen. It's always such an inconvenience to someone to have me gone. If I'm here, doing my thing, no one has to be bothered. Except for when I finally could not deny, I eventually become bothered. So much so that my ability to parent well takes a serious dive.

It is important not only to refill my personal tank, but also because parenting these days is taking a huge amount of thought. Looking back at how things are going, why they may be happening, what seems to improve things, what lends to a downward spiral, is critical. A new, heightened level of discernment  processing, and prayer is essential for helping me (slowly) realize what I can do to facilitate appropriate paths toward healing and to further our bonding and attachment.

When I don't think my approach toward my children (especially Meadow and Flint) through and just go with the flow, getting by day after day, week by week, I wind up feeling ineffective, overwhelmed, and drained. The ability to regroup and refocus my attention helps restore peace and a sense of progress.

It's a new and different phase of life - not only have we added 2 adopted children to the crew, but our family includes 7 homeschooled kids ages 2, 4, 4, 6, 6, 7 and 9. Looking at that, I'm surprised I didn't see it sooner. Breaks for mom are no longer an option. They are now an integral part of Deutchland Code.
And everyone is better off because of it.

*Tonight, I am going to Sally Clarkson's house with a friend to listen to her speak!*

The walk

The Parents