Thanksgiving 2010
This picture was taken at my mom's house.
Right before eating a delicious meal of beef enchiladas, green chili, Spanish rice, chips and guacamole.
Because we're a super traditional family. ☺

Adoptive Parents: Communication Resources?

I'm looking for recommendations.

In many ways, Meadow and Flint are progressing really well. In other ways, I'm not sure of they are off track, or if their behavior is a normal part of development for kids in their situation.

One of our biggest, most challenging and frustrating obstacles day after day, month after month is basic communication. They have been here 9 months. Meadow is probably 7, quite possibly 8 and Flint is 5.

They say yes when they mean no, and no when they mean yes. They fluctuate back and forth with their answers when asked the same question a couple of times in a row, or on one day then another. This could be about the most simple topics concerning their preferences - "do you like your eggnog?" to something they may have done a moment ago - "did you comb through your hair?" to questions about their history - "do you ever miss Ethiopia?" Really. It can be about anything. Straight, consistent answers are just not there.

Everyone comments that Meadow's English is great - and it is. She speaks clearly. Which makes her inability communicate exactly what she means when asked a direct question difficult to understand.
Flint's English is not very good. We are working to help him with pronunciation and sentence formation.

They are both prone to outright lying and "freezing." Especially if they feel whatsoever threatened, like they may receive a consequence.

Usually, I have no idea if they are telling the truth about their past, or whatever situation we are discussing about the present. Still, to this day, I do not know if Meadow remembers her family or how they were treated in the orphanage, or what went on with the other kids because she will change her responses from day to day.

Many, many people have suggested therapy. Which, from Bobby and my point of view, seems like it would be a complete waste of time and money until they are able to communicate with any level of reliability or consistency or honesty. Maybe I'm wrong on that and a therapist could get them to speak clearly and truthfully. I just don't know....

This definitely, definitely impedes my ability to get close to them, to bond with them, and to help them. What little communication we do have is terribly circular and I never know what is real and what is not.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any tips? Books? Suggestions? Links? Resources? Tools? Anything at all? If so, thank you.

A friend recently mentioned that I don't write a lot about my husband. True.
I jokingly say I keep him a secret because if women ((out there)) knew too much, they would try to snatch him up for themselves. And, well, that would be pretty devastating since he is already taken and all. Deep down, no one wants to be a homewrecker. But if they knew, if they really knew The Truth, they may not be able to help themselves. So, I usually stay mostly quiet. For the common good of womankind.....☺

This Thanksgiving though, my heart is so full. So full because of this man.

2010 hasn't exactly been my most flattering year.

Our adoption process began an onslaught of eye opening revelations. From my perspective, it seemed that the world as I knew it completely changed. What I once thought to be simple and true and just and pure suddenly became blurry and questionable and grey and crooked and complex. Right and wrong, good and evil, dark and light no longer had distinguishable boundaries. The waters were irrevocably muddied. I wanted them desperately to become clear again. For the noble and honorable path to be marked. One that I could feel wholly good about, engage in with a completely clear conscience.

The return home with our children further complicated things for me. Previously, I had felt myself such a fine candidate for Adoptive Mother. Full of longing and compassion, I thought I would be an excellent fit for this new role, able to offer precisely what was needed. I soon realized I was not who I supposed myself to be. Affection wasn't flowing naturally, effortlessly, freely as it had with our other children. The constant work of it all led to constant weariness. The weariness led to lack of willingness. The lack of willingness led to enormous guilt. The guilt led to resentment. It was not a pretty cycle.

All of the struggle gave birth to a spiritual crisis of sorts. Amidst all of this, what did I now believe about the God I served? What did He want from me? What did I want from Him? Did we read  signs incorrectly? Did we mistake his provision and leading for something He never intended? Is this challenging experience what He wanted for us? For Meadow and Flint? For our family? For Meadow and Flint's biological families? What should I expect from The Church? What should I have to offer The Church? What does He desire from us, from our service, from our praise, from our worship? How do I seek His face? Why don't I see Him here? He seems so much harder to find than He once was....

I used to feel confident I had the answers. Now, I no longer knew.

Throughout it all - my husband has been patient, full of grace toward me. Late night conversation after late night conversation, he is there to listen, to observe, to offer suggestions, to encourage and admonish, without judgement. Exactly where I am. And, where I am has obviously not always been a place he wants to be..... But, he goes with me, joins me, hand in hand.
He absorbs it all - my questions, my complaints, my grievances, my frustrations, my disillusionment - strong and unwavering, gentle and kind, he soaks it in. I'm sure it hasn't been easy for him.

Unthreatened, unrushed, and unafraid, he lets me be this person. He trusts me to move through my own process at my own speed.
Even in a place that I ever thought I would be, just like this, all messy and upside down, he loves me.

And when I stop to think about it, I realize, I do still see God afterall.

Happy Thanksgiving Bobby.

Have you heard about it yet?

The Adventure Project

Started by a couple of amazing women - Jody and Becky.

This is my favorite part of their current project: The lumps of coal all of us can give as gifts that will make a huge impact on the lives of families in Haiti, especially women and children.

How fun is sharing lumps of coal for Christmas in a pretty red box?! Very!

I'm in a Tribe.

Yes, a tribe.

You're going to want to hear about this....

To The People:

1) The ones who invented validation of a foreign decree for internationally adopted children: You are my sworn enemy. Don't you know wading through that sea of paperwork is a NIGHTMARE! (Hello....(((adoption agency)))...tap tap tap....anyone there? Anyone? To help? No? You were through with us once we returned home? You'll give us the name of an attorney who will charge $250/hr? Oh, alright then. We'll get this on our own. No problem. It's the least we could do after we paid you 30 grand for your services. No, no. We're not upset. Not at all.)
I thank the good Lord above for a husband who is willing to read page after page of (nightmarish) legal jargon to determine EXACTLY WHAT MUST BE DONE, (while I sit back and eat bon bons, of course!) then fill out endless forms, and submit them to their required destinations before our (millionth) time sensitive background checks run out.
When it's all over, I'm putting away the bon bons to have a long awaited date with a couple of amazing friends: Jubilee and Gin.

2) The ones who decided flannel and plaid button up shirts are making a comeback: I love you. So much. It reminds me of the early 90's. Only then, we had to TUCK THEM IN. (And possibly add some ultra hip shoulder pads for extra flare. Sexy!) This current trend is much better, sans football paraphernalia. And, yes. I'm old.

3) The (sweetest ever! and smart too! with excellent eye sight!) teen aged girl working at the Dollar Tree who told me last night I couldn't possibly be older than 26: {Blush} I love you almost as much as the flannel folks. Maybe more. You are my new best friend. Wanna hang out later today? We could grab a cup of coffee....

4) My son Stryder: Has there ever been a boy with more joy than you? You are like a little jumping bean! Smiling all the time, bouncing around, making friends e.v.e.r.y.where we go. Watching you pick up your prizes at awanas is one of the highlights of my week. Heck - possibly even my life. You light up that room exuding happy happy happy like none other. I love you sweet boy. Almost as much as my  new best teen aged friend. Maybe more. Yes, I think much, much more.☺

Adoption and Running

Bringing Meadow and Flint home I was sure would be challenging.

They had endured such loss, suffered such pain, encountered such grief. They were old enough to remember what they once had. Old enough to keenly experience the effects of long term institutionalization. Living in an orphanage for 2.5 and 3 years, waiting, had taken a significant toll on them physically, developmentally, academically, psychologically, and emotionally.

They came here and after a rough but brief period of adjustment, began to thrive.

Practically spontaneously, when provided a safe and more enriching environment than they had previously known, they started to heal and grow and gain strength and confidence. Great strides were made in all categories. To this day, Meadow tells me frequently how happy she is to be here and how much she likes it. Orphanage life was not easy for her - bigger kids mistreated her. She has come face to face with the ability to be a child, to relax, to stop controlling. Relief. Flint who was sorely neglected in his former home, has flourished with attention and training and nurture (and toys!).

It was my own struggle amidst their extraordinary progress that caught me completely off guard.

I felt grief. Regret. Unqualified. Illequipt. Guilty. Uninclined. Disengaged. Angry. Disillusioned. Bitter.

5 babies in 6 years and I never had the baby blues.

Now, I had them. Only they weren't babies. And this was more than the blues.

I would try and try to shake them. Oh, how I would try. I wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I pull myself up by my bootstraps? I knew, mentally, what needed to be done, how I should look at things, what I should be thinking, the gratitude I ought to feel. Why couldn't I make myself feel it, think it, experience it? Why was my gut level response toward these precious children the way it was? Why did long lasting change toward the positive continually elude me despite my best efforts?

Failure was an emotion I had become intimately acquainted with.
I.just.couldn't.rally....couldn't muster.....not enough.

On the day of the 1/2 marathon last weekend, I thought I would mostly walk. I could barely recall ever running 5 miles before in my life. Maybe years ago.....
I would do it just for fun, to be with my friends.

Then, when I got there, and the race began, everyone started off running together, and something really strange happened. For the first time in many, many months I felt something coursing through my veins that didn't know if I would ever feel again. I felt empowered. Strong. Confident. Able. Wholly willing.

Spur of the moment, I decided I would try to stay with Geni. Her pace would be my pace.

I am not the caliber of athlete Geni is. Keeping up with her was mind over matter.
I remembered days gone by, 20+ years ago. When I would tape up my ankle and do gymnastics with a torn tendon. When I could fly through the air and feel free and alive and exhilarated and accomplished. When training and exertion and sweat and pushing myself to exhaustion was the daily norm. When I would compete. I used to love competing.

For the first time since we brought our African children home, while running that race, I didn't feel weak and inadequate and guilt ridden and like something was horribly wrong with me. Although my body ached, (and ached...and ached...) my spirit soared. Failure wasn't an option. I would, once again, like when I was young, taste success. Sweet, savory, satisfying success. It was even better than I remembered....

I needed that. I needed to run.

Even in the darkest of times, there have been a plethora of situations - moments - realizations during this past year that encourage me, that help me know all is not lost, that I am not too far gone, that we will be ok. That our family, our story will be one of grace and mercy and redemption and enormous healing, for all of us.
That God will use my life in spite of myself.

I hold high hope.

Maybe, just maybe, I will one day run with my Ethiopian treasures.

*

See my pretty new Give Thanks banner? You like it, don't you? I just knew you would. I do too! Makes me want to give thanks over and over all.day.long. (Which is a big improvement for me. ☺)

Now, don't even worry about that despicable green eyed monster getting you down. One of these cute-as-can-be festive banners could soon be yours! And, all for a very reasonable price. These are PERFECT and unique Christmas gifts for yourself your kids' teachers, yourself or yourself your friends. Other phrases (besides Give Thanks) are available as well. You can snatch yourself up one of these beauties right here.

I stopped by my friend Sandy's house today (she gave me the best Indian food lunch to take home! Hello lucky me!). The kids were waiting in the bus, (listening to The Boxcar Children on CD) and I only had a moment, so she and I were briefly chatting while standing in her garage. The door to inside was open. I said, "hey, I like your blue dresser!" She said, "you want it?" My reply, "Um...well...yes." We loaded it in the back of the van and I still made it to the kids' Doctor's appointments on time. (She was going to get rid of it anyway.) Awesome. I put it right to work - holding kids' sheets. Isn't he a handsome little number?
*Warning* Don't go trying that with my banner. I will not give it to you. ☺ 

Onyx made this robot and sword. Onyx is such a great kid. 7 years is one of my new favorite ages.....along with infancy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, and 9.

 

An Avocado a Day....

Just may keep the Dr. away.
Have you had your avocado today?
I have! ☺

Mix with some salt, fresh garlic, lemon juice, red pepper flakes and you've got yourself a mighty delicious dip for tortilla chips or spread for sandwiches with oodles of health benefits like monounsaturated fats to lower cholesterol, potassium, folate, and vitamin E.
Perfect for lunch!

Profound Thoughts

Running long distances without an ipod gives the thoughtful individual a great deal of time to sincerely ponder, to heavily consider, to carefully weigh the deep things of this life and beyond....to reflect and emerge a new, changed person with a fuller appreciation and more broad perspective about what is truly important.
These are just a few of my (life altering) thoughts during the race:

....is that a snotcicle hanging off the end my nose?....

...I'm gonna miss my kids....when I drop dead at the finish line...

....we had such a nice life together...

...did I tell them goodbye?...

....how much will Bobby cry?....

....I hope a lot....

....will he remarry?....

....she better be nice....

....not too nice....

....can't have her making me look bad....

....I'll be a (half) marathon martyr...

....has a heroic ring to it...

....speaking of rings...he better not give her my wedding ring....

...the devil himself surely designated this course...

...is that a chunk of my shoe that just fell off? Why yes. Yes it is...was....

...can toenails get bruised?....Yeah, I'm pretty sure...

....my knee is on fire....

....my hip is on fire...

....my foot is on fire...

....my nose is on fire...

....my other knee is on fire...

...my other hip is on fire...

...my other foot is on fire...

...see all that fire?....I knew it!....the devil IS here...

...damn that dastardly devil...

...I'm so thirsty...should I eat the snotcicle?....

...think anyone will notice if I *UNsuspiciously* *nonchalantly* stop to tie my shoe, then turn around right here and skip that whole "3 mile loop" bit?....

...I'm cold...no I'm hot...no I'm cold...no I'm hot....

....$65 for this?....

....I probably could have tortured myself for free....

...will they give me an unsatisfied with the purchase refund?....

...that swag bag better have new body parts in it....

....the faster I go, the faster it will be over....

....YES! I did it!...

....NO! It wasn't worth it!...

....running...racing....marathon people are certifiably NUT CASES!....(no offense)...




☺ Profound.

Backcountry Wilderness 1/2 Marathon

Did you catch that name!? Backcountry Wilderness 1/2 Marathon. Whoah honey - they meant it. I've never participated in such a thing before, so I had nothing to compare to. But my friends, {below} have a great deal of racing and half marathon experience under their collective belts, and they say this one was brutal. It was definitely backcountryish and wildernesslike - with many, many, many large and small hills and  a several mile stretch of hiking/mountain biking type trails.
The weather was actually beautiful. {Hallelujah!} We were a bit concerned reading the 17 degree thermostat on the car on the way to Denver, but it warmed up nicely and was chilly, and slightly windy, but overall pretty comfortable for a long run.

Before the race: Myself, Sandy, Susan, Laura, Kristi, Kim, and Geni

My running buddy and I. She has run 40-50 races and does triathlons! Geni is awesome and so, so much fun. I made up my mind to try to stay with her. (She hasn't been training recently, otherwise I would have been eating her dust!)

Laura's husband took some pictures.

I finished in 2 hrs. 42 minutes. Which, made me very happy because I did absolutely zero preparation and running isn't really my thing.
Unfortunately, I think I got dehydrated (did I mention my complete lack of training and that I take 2-3 mile strolls for my "exercise"? Oh, and they ran out of water to hand out to the runners!) because I became super nauseous and sick afterward. Even missed going out last night with the ladies to the Cheesecake Factory and stayed at the Marriot by myself with the porcelain bowl and a generous dose self pity as my only companions.
They kindly stopped by the restaurant on the way home today so I could pick up some delectable slices of cheesecake to bring home to Bobby and the Deutschlets. My family gave me such a warm welcome.
Dad did awesome with the kids and the house and it is fantastic to be reunited.

I vow to never even utter the words "half marathon" again in my life. ☺

My friend Sandy is having a (very exciting milestone!) birthday. In honor of the (very exciting milestone!) occassion, she decided to run a half marathon (to prove to herself that she was indeed still quite young and fit...which she is - both young AND fit!) and invite her friends to join her. Months ago, when the invitation was given, I happily because I don't actually love running all that much politely declined, just certain that by mid November I would (delightfully!) be with child. However, I did offer to join them for the after hours festivities which includes an overnight stay at a hotel in Denver at the finish line to congratulate the (young AND fit) runners. (It was the least I could do.)
Being that there is no blessed bun in the oven, and they are all participating in the race, and I am riding with them to Denver and would have to wait for them to finish, (which wouldn't take long, I'm sure - they are young AND fit after all.) I decided I would join in the drudgery great, great fun and do the race as well. Unfortunately for her, (but fortunately for me) Sandy has suffered a knee injury and now will likely have to walk most of it. I'm sure I can walk that far for goodness sakes.

The weather forcast is the only thing, (well, aside from the whole 13 miles bit) that has me nervous. The Cold Weather Fanclub does not have me on its roster. If you think of me tomorrow, please do it with warm thoughts. Thank you kindly.☺

I guess they're growing up.

All the kids had to get blood drawn at the hospital today. Would you believe the only one who shed a single tear over the needle pricking trauma inflicted upon their sweet little arm was Clover? Amazing!
The paperwork almost did me in....it was so, so close. But, I grabbed a hold of myself and decided what's done is done. There was no use crying over the poor perished tree that gave its life so I could have 7 replicated copies of the Patient Rights and Responsibilities form. I mean, you never know, I may have missed something the first six times I read it.
I'm going to save my sobbing for the arrival of the bill. Now those will be some merited salty drops.

This is the very first year ever that daylight savings time has not thrown my wee ones into a confused and cranky tailspin which begins promptly at 5:00 am the Monday after the clocks turn back and winds up with them falling asleep over their dinner at the table asking how we could be such awful, rotten parents for not letting them go to bed already at 6:00 pm.

Onyx played real Scrabble with Bobby and I last night.

And, to top it all off, this boy can swing. High. All alone. No parental pushing required. I just wasn't ready for that.

Where did my babies go?
I'm pretty sure someone playing a mean joke stole them away and sneakily
replaced my precious infants and toddlers with these remarkably grown up people while I had my back turned.
Keep your eyes peeled and your babies close.
Those rascals may come to your house next.

Funny, funny, funny.

I saw this on a friend's blog yesterday. It had me laughing out loud because these are EXACTLY the same questions we hear! Basically word.for.word.

THEN, while uploading the 'adoption conversation' clip, I ran across the 'large family version'. HA! I think it's even funnier! And so true. Oh my.

Here is the mom that made these. :)

~ I found myself doing stomach crunches and eating candy at the same time today. Hmm....

~ Please pray for my beloved friend. Devastation struck her today and I don't know if she will ever fully recover. She began violently smoking. I believe it is my fault really. I might have seen it coming. The work was apparently just too much. She may not be able or willing to handle double batch after double batch. Our family does heavily depend on her, day in and day out. Kneading 11 cups of flour for 4 loaves of bread was the final straw. I should have known better than to ask for so much at once. Saving MY precious time was all I cared about. Come back to me my wonderful, faithful companion. I don't know if I can go on without you.

~ I've been reading and researching and looking at and studying a variety of points of view on a variety of Biblical topics lately. My head is spinning. My brain is overloaded. Some of my thoughts and perspectives are shifting, some are becoming more firmly established. So many unknowns. So many people who believe they have the answers. It's hard to know which views to hold. I find myself over and over landing squarely on the side of I don't know.
This is what I am certain of: Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.

Apparently, it's orphan Sunday. I'm only just now realizing that and it's 8:16 pm.
In honor of the occasion, I would like to share a post with you that a friend shared with me. I found the analogy she used quite fitting and her honesty both responsible and refreshing. Her words definitely hit home for me. Maybe you will like it too....

And thank you Lord

For warm November days full of sunshine.
And for children who still love to play at the park.

It was like a tidal wave

So highly unusual, completely unexpected, I remember the exact moment it happened. I know where I was standing, in my bedroom, the time of day it was, the day of the week.

It was such a relief. After wondering for so long, month after month, if it would ever be. If our lives, my life, my heart, my world, my family, my self, would again feel at all normal, peaceful, right, good, light, natural, free.

Everything was such hard work. Doing the basic essentials, getting through the hours, required enormous energy and thought and pushing through the pervasive lack of desire. There was a spiral effect. The less I felt drawn toward this child, the less I was able, willing to offer what I knew, without a doubt she needed, the more I wondered what was wrong with me. How could I not have known I would be devastatingly terrible at this? Why did I not realize it before? How had I been so blind? I had never seen myself this way. Perpetually awful. I felt literally rotten to the core. The guilt followed. Always the guilt. There was no escape from the continual guilt. No matter how hard I tried, I had a child I could not seem to properly love. What a disservice I have done. She ought to have better.
I would pray and pray, go through the motions, put in my time, but my heart was cold and it made me horribly sad.

Then, on that day, completely out of the blue, the flood gates opened. I don't know exactly what changed or why it happened, but in that ordinary instant, right there in my room, folding towels, something extraordinary took place. Suddenly, it clicked. Tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face wetting the towels. They wouldn't stop. All that pent up emotion I had been holding on to poured forth.

It's difficult to explain, but all I can say is I just knew. I knew. I knew! I could do this. I can be her mother. I can feel like a mother to her. I can nurture her like a mother should. I can yearn for her closeness, treasure her presence, marvel at the blessing of her life. I can love her.
I do love her. Oh my. Praise you Lord. I love her.

I love her.

God turned my heart toward my daughter. For the first time, those very words, my daughter didn't scare me or intimidate me or make me resentful. She is my daughter, my beloved girl. Not mine from the beginning, but mine just the same.
And my mother's heart deeply rejoices. Sweet redemption.

I'm sorry to Meadow that it took me so long to come around. And still, I am grateful for this experience. It has helped me grow in ways I never could have imagined in places I never knew needed growth.

I thank God for not leaving me, for providing for her. I thank Him for allowing me to see my own depravity for what it truly is. I thank Him for the recognition that I can do nothing apart from Him, and for graciously, gently lifting me out of that dark place.
He alone is Good.

There is such hope. If He can do it for me, He can do it for anyone.

*

~Sally Clarkson, looking back.

I would have been more patient and trusted the Lord more. I would have given up my own agenda about what I thought life should be so that I could just rest every day with where my children were–to enjoy them, to trust the Lord, to not be neurotic! I would have decided to celebrate life more and not stress over the little things or messes–these things are just a part of the seasons of life. I would have let my boys be boys and understood them more–and laughed with them more. However, most of my life, I would do much the same. I really enjoyed my children so much.

I would have also just given myself more grace when the dark times came and I felt overwhelmed–also a normal part of life with the constant exhaustion and work and issues in life–knowing that dark times and exhaustion ebbs and flows. Sabbath rests are so important. Beauty and keeping a mom’s cup full is also so important–wish I had understood that earlier and managed my needs more wisely.

And thank you Lord

For warm pumpkin spice bread slathered with melty butter before afternoon quiet time.
And for many little voices around the table asking for more.

I think I have a problem.

They say admitting it is the first step.

My teeth literally ache.

From the Halloween candy.

Yes, I'm serious. Unfortunately.

The gummy, fruity, chewy, sticky, (cavity inducing, jaw stretching) kind are my favorite.

I rarely ever, ever, ever buy candy. Unless my husband is going out of town. Or another stressful event is looming on the horizon. And, even then, I better not purchase it until the looming is over and the event has arrived. Or it will be gone by the time I need it. Because, apparently, I have no self control when it comes to sugar. At all.

Even when I do buy it, I have to make a selection. This or that. Maybe 2 if it's really going to be a tough week.

But, after dark on Oct. 31, all kinds of ooey gooey fruity goodness floods my otherwise bland, candyless life, filling my blood heart with excessive sugar joy. Such variety! Oh, the choices!

Where else can a candy crazed maniac woman find twizzlers, starburst, dots, laffy taffy, tootsie rolls, hot tamales, gummy bears, sweet tarts, and skittles all blissfully cohabiting in teeny tiny itty bitty, (deceptive little) individual compartments, (that call my name, all.day.long.) because  just one couldn't hurt, (then, one more....and another....until it really does. Hurt.) blissfully existing together in a single gigantic, perfectly blended, extraordinarily delicious community?
That, my friends, is one flavorful, enticing bowl of happy, happy, happy.

Resisting is just so, so much to ask.

But, there's the whole painful tooth thing.

I put the blessed bowl up high on a shelf in hopes that I would be too lazy to climb up and get it. That lasted until 10:00 am. When I grabbed my stepstool....

Maybe I should just switch to chocolate.

Noteworthy

At the Doctor's office yesterday we learned that Meadow has grown 5 inches in the 8.5 months she has been here. Seriously!
I think the girl likes my cooking. ☺

Thank you Lord

For pumpkin buttermilk pancakes...

And for plenty of time on an autumn Tuesday morning to savor them.

Because they're cute.

Clover was telling me about her bewy button.

Too soon, she will say beLLy and leave the w sound behind, so I thought I might catch it on film.

Meadow wanted to get in on the action and have her turn.  ☺

This is what we do on Nov. 1 because the day after Halloween is no time for school!