If the world had come to an end...

As last weekend came and went, sans apocalypse, (no, I never thought the end was seriously near! Did you? Of course you didn't!) it got me thinking. What if the end was near? If life as we knew it drew to an abrupt halt - looking back what would I have done differently with my time on this earth?

I believe that I would wish most of all that I had relaxed more, that I had accepted and cultivated a slower pace in general, that I had taken time to breathe in the sweetness of the moments, not equating stillness with idleness. I would have read more books to my children, spent more time on the floor with them, comforting their tears, rubbing their backs, listening to their voices, touching their skin, while they were young and eager to be with me. I would have corrected them less, applauded them more, been less impatient, hurrying them along to age appropriate destinations. I would have not taken for granted that they know they are treasured, wanted, cherished - I would have told them so. Everyday.

If I had seen the end from the beginning, I would have given up rushing myself and others through their processes. I would have taken rest in the sadness when it appeared. Not resisted crying - tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I would wish I hadn't fretted over the seasons of mourning. That I would relish the passages of blissfulness without looking around the corner for tomorrow's troubles. I would have sooner realized that worry truly is a waste of thought and energy. The vast majority of of what I worried about never came to pass.

I would have appreciated my body for what it is, for what it can do and has done, for the miraculous mechanism that it is, my own unique vehicle through this life, instead of continuously wishing it were something else. Smaller, thinner, stronger, leaner, taller, younger, firmer, more voluptuous. I would have recognized earlier that I am more than my appearance, spent less time agonizing in the mirror. I would have said "thank you" to it as it has ushered me through all that I've been through, day after day. I would have marvelled at its abilities, at its remarkable aptitudes, at its faithfulness to me.

I would have spent less focus caught up in ridiculousness that I can do nothing about, and less time on my computer. I would have seen that each hour with my little ones is fleeting and precious and not to be squandered away with one "just a minute" after another until they are grown and gone and no more minutes remain.

I would have been easier on my loved ones, on myself, asking for less, giving more, finding liberating freedom in being secure enough to love others unselfishly, fully grasping that the only control I have is over my own actions. I would have been less concerned with tidiness and tasks and more over kindness and encouragement and quality. I would have shown less interest in making sure I got what was coming to me and more in giving to others with little to no thought of what they do or do not deserve. Fairness would be removed from my vocabulary, grace would be elevated.

I would have celebrated. For no reason at all. Making the ordinary extraordinary, giving myself permission to experience peace.

I would have trusted God more, questioned Him less, pressed into Him in times of trouble, thanked Him in times of gladness, praised Him at all times, offered Him my fuller adoration, the truest heart of worship I could muster. I would have called upon His name more.  When I found myself without understanding I would have remembered not to ever doubt - Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. I look forward to meeting You one fine day.

One day I turned around and my baby was more than just making scribbles on a page. She was drawing people. People! She keeps moving forward...one milestone after another...without waiting for consent. ♥

Morning Joy

The day in which I confess...

That there are moments when I don't like this job at all.

That from time to time, I daydream about doing something different, where perhaps my talents, abilities, and efforts would not go unnoticed, where a lasting sense of accomplishment would not be a foreign concept, where effectiveness would not perpetually elude me.

That while one of the greatest privileges on earth, the responsibility of raising children is also a heavy burden to bear.

That while home educating carries a host of its own unique benefits, there are also immense challenges.

That the sheer volume of the workload associated with having a large family of young children is not necessarily easy to sustain.

That parenting adopted kids well, with the variety of issues they bring to the table, can feel virtually impossible.

That although I know I shouldn't, I sometimes wish they would show gratitude for the extraordinary efforts made on their behalf.

That the relentless nature of this endeavor can be draining.

That the demands of raising a family, especially one that fits outside the box, can weigh on a marriage.

That on occasion, I wake up in the morning fine, only to have a headache an hour later, because the day has begun.

That sometimes I don't recognize myself, the me I once knew, in this role.

That I never thought motherhood would be this way.

That I expected something altogether different.

That often enough, when I am certain I have already tried it all, I fall fresh out of ideas to formulate A Good Plan.

That as a woman with needs and desires of her own, selflessness isn't always my second nature, or first priority.

That forgiveness must be continuously fostered to forge strong family bonds.

That holding a grudge is easier to do, maybe even more pleasurable.

That relationships are fragile and must be handled with care.

That their acceptance, success, good behavior, virtue, academic or athletic prowess is not my ultimate goal.

That it is permissible for me to be ok, even when they are not.

That I am the servant, not The Source.

That tenderness toward one another ought never be lost.

That truly putting yourself in the other person's place offers valuable perspective.

That God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

That a soft answer turns away wrath.

That strength mustn't mean overpowering.

That insisting on our own way is often fruitless.

That harboring disappointment lends to bitterness taking root.

That God is big enough to truly absorb our hurt.

That letting some things slide as we choose to focus on others is wise.

That much is won through great patience.

That If we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us.

That we can not control other people, they will ultimately make decisions for themselves.

That certain victories will only be earned through tedious, tiresome, persevering at all costs faithfulness.

That love doesn't always come easy, there are times when it must be slowly sculpted from nothing but a willing heart.

That sometimes the road is long, and dark, troublesome and winding, and night seems to stretch out before us endlessly and we grow faint of heart.

That eventually, when our tears have stained our pillows and our hope is nearly lost, morning finally dawns, and our joy emerges anew, fresh and fragrant.

So, we carry on.....

Ones that didn't make the cut

Everyone knows only the lovliest, most flattering photos ever see the light of day and reach a person's blog.
In the spirit of Full Disclosure, here is a glimpse into what we affectionately refer to as Stryder's 5th Birthday: The Archived Collection.

No Gifts, Please!

Every year, for every holiday, I say this to my family. And, I really do mean it. Gifts are definitely, most certainly, absolutely, positively, N. O. T. my love language. No they are not. Not at all.

Fearful my beloved family was growing complacent in the knowledge they would perpetually be off the hook for every Mother's Day from here to eternity, I decided I must intervene on their behalf. It was *clearly* for their own good. {Complacency is not an admirable character trait, now is it?!}

Always keeping my serviceable contribution to my brood as one of my highest, {most noble} priorities, you can imagine their surprise when I announced while standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes that they could, this year, purchase me something. In fact, I had the very thing I would *ever so generously allow them to buy for me* in mind. {I know! My benevolence spilleth over!} It was this.

I had seen it on an episode of Rachel Ray and thought it would be right up my child lovin, home cookin, simple ingredients savorin, nutritious morsel generatin alley. How pleasantly amused was I to discover I was correct? It IS up my child lovin, home cookin, simple ingredients savorin, nutritious morsel generatin alley! I have scoured each and every page in search of delectables I believe my (no longer complacent, thanks to me. You're welcome Deutsch people! It was the least I could do for my precious bugaboos...) family will enjoy and have earmarked a bundle of them.

I do not think I have ever been so excited about a cookbook. I am sure I will (roughly, because sticking strictly to a recipe is next to IMpossible) attempt of half or more of the recipes in the book, which is rare for me. Usually I pick out a handful and leave the rest to someone else.

The recipes are clearly simple, fairly basic, delicious, and highly nutritious with user friendly symbols informing the reader of which are vegan, vegetarian, can be made ahead, etc. in addition to approximately how long each will take. I have nearly all the suggested staples in my home already, and you probably do too. Also provided are variations for several of the dishes, sure to be pleasing for parents and children alike.

*Our crew eats vegetarian about 50% of the time and it includes many hearty meatless meals that will satisfy. We eat vegan exactly 0% of the time...unless it happens by accident. Our penchant for dairy is strong, undeniable, and must be heavily indulged in order to keep any semblance of peace.*

She does not know it, but G.P. is my new best friend. And no, I find nothing creepy about that statement whatsoever.

The boy who refused to stay 4

And his happy birthday celebration.

My baby boy could not possibly be 5.
There's just no way.
As he insisted, I realized someone forgot to inform him of this impossibility.
How could he not remember?
It was, afterall, just yesterday that he was born.

Happy birthday to the coolest cat I know.
Seriously child, you are the definition of coolness personafied.
It's good to be Stryder.
I'm convinced, the world could use a lot more of what you've got.
I hope you never lose your confidence nor your ability to make people smile.
Your light is so bright.

You are loved, boy.
And not just by your mama.

Thank you for filling my days full of your special Stryderness.
I can't imagine them without you.
Knowing you is surely one of my greatest gifts.
God blessed me.
He gave me a Stryder.
I'll never be the same....

I love you.
♥

Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie

Ridiculously easy. Intoxicatingly fragrant. Simply delicious. Found here.
Guaranteed to thwart my new Fitness First Lifestyle Plan.
However, cancelling my gym membership the way I did this morning is bound to have the same effect....
I added cream cheese to the recipe. Because is there anything on earth that does not taste better with cream cheese? No. I think not.

 

-

We might have learned even from the poets that love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness. Kindness merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering. But if God is love, He is by definition more than mere kindness. He has often rebuked us and he has often condemned us but he has never regarded us with contempt. God has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us. We are therefore, not metaphorically but in very truth a divine work of art. Now, over a sketch made idly to amuse a child, an artist may not take much trouble. But over the magnamopis of an artists life, the work which the artist loves the most, the artist will take endless trouble, and would doubtless thereby give endless trouble to the picture if it were alive. One can imagine, an alive picture, after being rubbed and scraped and recommenced for the tenth time wishing it were only a thumbnail sketch whose making were over in a minute and not a magnamopis. In the same way, it is natural for us to wish God had designed us for a less glorious and less arduous destiny. But then we are wishing not for more love but for less.  ~C.S. Lewis

Hebrews 12:5-6
And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:
“My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the LORD loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives.”

1-5

1) What do I do with her while I am working on school with the other kids?

I keep this one (and Stryder) at the table with us as much as possible. It's only when they can not stand one more minute of sitting-stillness that I let them go off and play, or maybe watch Sesame Street or one of the Leap Frog DVDs. While they are in the school area, I have lots of little hands-on activities they can busy themselves with - beads and strings, beans and egg cartons, alphabet magnets, monkeys in a barrel, coloring books, scissors and paper, whiteboards and markers, preschool pages, etc...

I have found that they absorb an astonishing amount of educational material through osmosis. Simple proximity to the learning that is taking place is an extremely effective teaching tool. Tyden is my best example of this. The boy knows far more than a kindergartner would be normally taught. It's only because he is taking in what Jayla and Onyx are learning right along with them.

**This year, Stryder and Clover have also enjoyed some play time together while the older kids are doing school - and it is very sweet for them - so I do try to allow it too. But they are also prone to getting themselves into mischief (and smear entire new bottles of hair conditioner all over the floor.) So, my "keep them at the table" approach may have dual motivations. ☺

2) We joined a gym. A brand spankin new, great big gigantic one. It's in Colorado Springs, so it's a bit of a trek for us, but they have 3 of these:

And if you live in this neck of the woods, you know pools are not necessarily easy to come by unless you dwell in a neighborhood that has one as part of their community. *Hugely surprisingly* Sticksville (where we gleefully abide) does not happen to offer such amenities.

**Although we primarily joined the gym for pool access, I was oh-so-pleased to discover this facility allows 2 hours of free child care per day while mom and/or dad work out. Hello! If I am soon in the best shape of my adult life, you'll know why.....

3) Speaking of getting in shape, I have decided that since no baby seems interested in climbing aboard my woefully vacant womb at this moment and my new gym has 2 free hours of child care per day, I will now devote myself entirely to promoting a rockin hard body excellent physical health. This seems a good alternative to hosting a (wee precious) baby who would only cause me to grow bloated, large, and full of all manner of undesirables (such as stretch marks, heartburn, loud unladylike belching, and varicose veins.) Yes, I am all about fitness now...as I throw my Easter candy wrappers away.

**Perhaps this will help with the embarrassing, uncontrollable, spontaneous sobs that erupt every time I see a Bountifully Blessed pregnant woman.

4) My husband just finished building a 16 x 24 foot barn. With his own 2 hands. This endeavor propelled him far into superhero status among myself and our children as well as increasing his hotness exponentially in his wife's admiring eyes.

**Never underestimate the power of a handyman to make the ladies swoon.

5) I asked Stryder what kind of cake he would like for his birthday thinking he would suggest, "chocolate" or "funfetti" or "white." Instead, he dared utter the (dreaded) word "Batman." Um. Well. Clearly, this dear child does not yet realize the limits of his mother's *modest* cake decorating abilities. If it's Batman my (teeny-tiny-little-bitty-infant-who-couldn't-possibly-be-turning-5) boy wants, it's Batman he gets.

** Excuse me, while I go look up the phone number for the Bakery....