There is a reason I don't like hospitals.

Not just the obvious reasons either. Although the obvious hospital-y things do bother me in and of themselves, there is more to the hospital aversion story for this germaphobe.
I had my appendix removed when I was pregnant with Jayla. That was scary. I was in the hospital a few days. Although unpleasant, I did not hate my stay as much as I do now. When I gave birth to her, I was not in a huge hurry to be released either. But, ever since we brought her home, every time I have been in the hospital, I have had to leave my other child(ren) for at least a couple of days. That is what I hate most. I am always elated when we are all home again, together.

I miss the boys. A lot. I miss them. I don't know what that says about me. I'm sure I seem ungrateful that their grandparents offered them this wonderful trip. I'm trying so hard not to. I am grateful. It's not about gratitude. I'm sure I'm not good enough at controlling my thoughts and looking at the bright side. I lose focus when I try to do that. I fall back to missing them. Achingly missing them.

Things seem "off" for me. I am not exactly myself. Pieces of me are not here. They are frolicking at the beach. I am so happy for them. They are having a grand time. I am not. Of course I like breaks. Of course. I like for them to spend time with their grandparents. They are just usually gone a few hours, rather than days. They are usually in Colorado, not Texas.

Enjoy the naps...enjoy the break...time to relax...they'll be back soon enough...yes, yes, yes, I know all that. But when I lay down to nap I see their faces in my mind. I remember the funny things they say and I hear the way their voices sound and I think about how much they look alike, and how I'm constantly calling them by the wrong name, and the funny outfits they put together, and the way Tyden is always hungry, and Onyx is always a super hero, and how they tackle their daddy anytime he steps foot in the playroom, and how they ask to watch really "boyish shows" on tv while Jayla is at school, and how they wear cowboy boots with everything, and playing Go Fish with Onyx, and how Tyden naps with me and I see his face when I wake up and I am happy when I look at him and I miss them and I miss them and I am so lonely in a house with 3 children in it. I am lonely because there are only 3 when there should be 5.

I don't want to eat dinner at the table because it reminds me of their absence. I want to just shut the door to their room because it is so empty. Their toys are here and I don't want to look at them.

I will be happy to have them home, then I can truly rest.