I will be fine for a while. I recognize the many demands on my time. That I am only one person with 2 arms and have 5 little people with 10 big eyes watching me, needing me, calling for me. This is plenty for me to do, I'll tell myself. I am awfully busy already. I've been truly blessed. Five healthy babies. I could not want for more.
But then I do.
I want for more.
And the reality that there will be no more, hits me, hard.
All of a sudden, out of the blue, I will have a thought. Something comes up and I might recall that couple we know, who so desperately want another baby to add to their family of 3, and they have been unable to become pregnant. I think of them and I feel sad. Sad for that mother of one, who longs to be a mother of 2 and sad for this mother of 5 who is singing the No More Babies Blues as well.
I know it sound silly. Absurd even. Possibly ungrateful. It doesn't make sense. Good grief, I've had 5 children, what woman in her right mind would want more?
Me.
I don't know if I'm in my right mind, but I want more.
Having babies in my life has been my greatest joy on this earth.The reality that Clover is my last gives me grief. Real, wash over me in waves out of nowhere, curl up in a ball and cry grief. What feels like heartbreak. This is the closest to true sorrow I have yet to know in my life, and for that I am deeply thankful.
Someone asked me recently, "aren't you ready to move on? To not always be stuck holding a baby?" I understood her question. Babies are cumbersome. Yet, my answer is no. No, I'm not ready to move on. I wouldn't mind being stuck with one more baby.....just one more....but I know what I need to do. There is no question in my mind. There are children without parents. Children who long for the comfort of a mommy in the way I long for a baby. Children who know true sorrow and grief. Children who curl up and cry, alone. It will be my honor and privilege to be stuck with them, when the time is right. I yearn for them too.
If you wonder how those moms of mega families do it, I think I might understand.....just one bittersweet baby at a time....
2 comments:
http://www.rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/
you so need to read this article today - it 'kinda' has to do with what you wrote, 'kinda' not, but it was a great article (as was this! I understand too!)
oh girl - I've been crying all morning over this very topic ... orphaned children who need a home. we have been called to this! It's a mandate from heaven as it says in James 1:27
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
God has blessed you with 5 beautiful kids ... and will bless a couple of kids with you. You have such a beautiful heart. In fact, I think our hearts beat to the same drumbeat! =)
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