Playing for an audience of One.

I love church. It fills me up. I crave it. The worship, the teaching, the scripture, the fellowship, all of it. My husband laughs at me because after every single service I declare, "Wow. That was so great. What a good teaching. Wasn't that spectacular? That must have been the best teaching on (fill in book and chapter) I've ever heard. Blew me away." Bob shakes his head in response and chuckles. Yep. You betcha. The best ever....until next week.

We have not been to church in 6 weeks.

A couple of our children (T&S) were not able to find the same joy in the church service their mother does.
We were getting ourselves ready, (anyone with young ones knows getting ready for church is the equivalent to climbing Pikes Peak every week) driving a fair distance to our Holy Destination, splitting up to drop off kids in their classrooms, calming Tyden down after his fit about joining his classmates, listening to Stryder's ear piercing (and ever-so-slightly embarrassing) scream penetrate the entire building, praying to God he would quiet down and stop making us look like The Worst Parents in the World, hurrying off to find a seat for 3 with our little Clover, me leaving with a squirmy and noisy baby after the worship music ends and sitting in the overflow room with all the other noisy babies whose parents can't part with them to place them in the nursery, Bob realizing our big red number of shame has come up on the screen leaving to go pick up our parent humbler Stryder because his teachers have had enough of his naughtiness and joining Clover and I in the overflow room. There the 4 of us sit. Mom, dad, Clover and Stryder, unable to hear the teaching, exasperated and annoyed, wondering what is so stinkin spiritual about this experience.

So, we quit. For now. We quit. We started doing "church" at home as a family instead. For the time being, we felt it was best to pull back and give it a rest. We will go back, eventually, when we feel the time is right we will try again.

That's enough to get our legalistic and people pleasing side all in a twist.

Each week at AWANA's the kids must answer the question: did you go to church this morning? At first, I found myself explaining, um, well, see, we did church at home today because, um, well, you know, we just did. It's a long story. But yes. Oh yes. Yeppers. Um hum. We sure did "go to church" so to speak. Right in our living room. Prayed, worshipped, scripture, the whole bit. Just like a regular church service....for 7. We are good, good Christian folk. God bless you my sister in Christ. Peace to you. And love and joy too.

Then, I became so annoyed with myself. What in heaven's name was I doing? It was a knee-jerk response to being called on the carpet about our family's sinful, shameful absentees. Red strike against the Deutschs in the Religious Apperance Category.

Ridiculous.

Does God know we have not been to church? Yes, I believe so.
Does He know our motivations, our hearts that yearn for Him? Our desire to not push our children to the point of hating the mere idea of church entirely because we are too legalistic to stay home when we really need to stay home so that when we go it will be with freedom and joy, not compulsion and obligation? Yes, I believe so. God knows. Oh my God, my Abba Father, You know.
Then why would I care what anyone else thinks about our decision?

Because I want to appear godly, honorable, spiritual.

Silly.

I am learning in my life what it really means to play for an audience of One.
Not using that as an excuse whatsover, but freely serving the God whom I love. Praising Him whether I am at home or at church. Serving Him with my whole heart's allegiance, with no concern for how it comes across to other people. Above all, wanting my life to be a reflection of His goodness, His glory, His grace and His mercy and allowing that to be what blesses others, not my mandatory perfect church attendance.

My prayer Lord is that you will continue to teach me to live for You Alone, to let my pride and desire to appear "good enough" die. Let me humbly show my children a woman with a heart that beats for her Maker, her Audience of One.
Psalm 40:8
I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law is within my heart.