My Funny Valentines

February 14, 2008:

On last week's Supernanny, (did you see it?) there was a family with 10 kids. They did call Super Jo Frost in to help, so obviously it wasn't the most tranquil home : )
Talking to a friend at church who has 2 boys and is adopting 2 girls, she asked me, how do you handle 5, and how do you think you will do with 7? Remembering the t.v. show we watched earlier that day, I laughed. I don't know!

Hearing questions just like that from time to (every)time (we go out), I pause to think about it often. I say some of us are just large family types of people. I do believe that's true. However, can a couple be open to welcoming many children and still struggle greatly? Of course! Supernanny case in point.
What makes me think we can handle more children than we already have?
I have to honestly and humbly say, I'm not sure about any of this.

Walking out on where we feel God tugging our hearts is scary and unknown. What we have is a continuous peaceful assurance that He will be with us each step of the way along with a desire to not barge through any doors that He does not open for us. Would it be easier to stick with what we've got and move on from here? Absolutely. We are growing out of the baby stage for the first time in years. We could plan a vacation and enjoy some of the freedom the next stage of life would bring. But that's not where Bob and I would be most fulfilled. We are compelled to do this.
You know when your passion drives you and you can not possibly say no? You just can't? That is where we are. So, these are a couple of the things we have learned that I believe will help us deal with large family living.

1) Let go of selfishness.
Trying to get too much of MY personal "needs" met is always at odds with caring for a bigger, young family. It just isn't possible to have my way too often. I have to pare down what I consider essential for myself. My time will come, as will Bob's for our personal agendas and desires. During this season, family is our priority and there isn't an abundance of time left over. When I get most frustrated is when I focus too much on me. God will meet my needs, and I have to seriously contemplate what they truly are, being genuinely thankful for the little things, like a half hour walk alone when dad can watch the kids, or a bubble bath on a weekend during naptime.

2) Have the kids come along side us.
It may not be feasible to schedule tons of one on one outings with each child in real life time. But every single day, we can have the kids come along side us. I can choose special helpers to assist with supper and sit on the counter chatting with me as I cook. Bob can ask for a hand in the garage. If he has to run to Home Deopt, he can take someone with him. During the baby's nap, Jayla and I can lock ourselves in the bathroom for a few minutes to polish our toe nails. I can climb on the top bunk to read a story to Tyden. Grab the Connect Four for a quick game with Onyx. The kids consider these times special, and they can be incorporated, (for free!) each day.

3) Keep materialistic expectations low.
We try to devote time, not money to their happiness and sense of well being. We believe they will feel more loved by interaction and attention paid to them than they will with the latest toy, video game, or activity. The number one question is how will/do you afford it? It doesn't have to be as expensive as people think. We are willing to live a counter cultural lifestyle, low on frills, and really believe this is ultimately good for all of us.

4) Simple, simple, simple.
I like to keep the flow of items into the house under control and purge often, as I go. When there is too much junk lying around everywhere it frays my nerves quickly! I could go on about this forever as I am an enormous fan of simplicity, in nearly every way, including scheduling, but I won't ;-)

5) Focus on marriage after the kids go to bed.
Our lives are busy, loud and sometimes quite hectic. We like to hang out together as much as possible when 8:00 rolls around. We rarely split up to do different things in the evenings. I stay off the computer, (most of the time.) If we watch t.v. we watch together. If we read, same thing. Lately, we've enjoyed our nighttime paperwork ;-) With a cup of tea and some quietness, sitting at the table with one another, it isn't so bad! We pray together at night and keep "offense accounts" short. If Bob and I are at odds, it doesn't work well in a rather raucous, sometimes stressful home. We need to be united, as much as we can. Resentments can build quickly, and the workload is always present, so continual focus on marriage maintenance is paramount to our happy home life.

These are only things that our family has been learning and developing. Constant adjustments are necessary and being willing to recognize where needs have changed and what isn't working well. We do not have it figured out by any means, but time and experience does teach, and we try to be good students, so that we will be better equipped to fulfill our calling.

I am not saying this should be the plan for your life. I realize every family situation and environment is unique. I may post more later. For now, the school day calls.....

Hope you are having a fantastic Thursday.