But what will people think?

I have spent a week wrestling with a wide array of emotions, many of them I am not proud of.

I have cried. A lot of big ugly tears. And prayed. Long prayers that have asked God to please not take us where we felt Him leading.

A certain variety of rawness I have not before experienced has been opened recently.

I have pleaded with God to remove this urge, to take back what we have felt He was prompting us to do, because quite frankly I have felt too weak and quite unwilling to do it.

As you know, we are in the process of adopting children from Ethiopia. Children who have lost their parents. I have wondered, isn't that enough? That's a good thing to do, right? I was feeling pretty comfortable right there. We should adopt! Great, we'll get on that! We'll even welcome older children. I speak often of our willingness to sacrifice for a large family. We are totally there. God has blessed us with the benefits of a good family life and a desire to provide parents to children who need them. This fits. Good-moving on now toward that goal, a plenty worthy vision.....or so I thought.

Until I knew, deep down in the core of my being, all that wasn't where we were quite possibly headed. That's when I started to cry.

Our week has been filled to the brim with phone calls, internet searches, counseling from one who has been there, information gathering, insurance checking, talking with the appropriate people of what we were thinking, hours upon hours of discussion between Bob and I.

The reason is this, we are leaning strongly toward being willing and prepared to adopt an HIV+ child or children. (Insert gasp! I know, I know. Don't I know. Yes I do.)

The medical issues are not even what have bothered me about this. After much research I have learned that aspect of dealing with this chronic but manageable condition is not too bad at all. These kids, on medication, are healthy and vivacious and amazingly normal for the most part.

It is the social side that has held me in a state of panic. What will people think of us? Would it be like we had cooties? Will we be shuned, ostracized, banished from civilization? What kind of toll will it take on our *highly active* social calendar? Then, I started to remember no one ever invites the 7 of us over for dinner anyway ;-) I also began to recall that we are homebodies. Hmmmm. On second thought, I guess we won't be missing out on much.......
Hey, it could be an opportunity to find out who our real friends are.

The fact is in the USA these children could have the best medical care in the world available to them. We have excellent insurance coverage and Bob has very steady employment. Although many more HIV+ children are being adopted in recent years, there are still many, many waiting. They are obviously less "desirable" than kids without health issues, or even ones that are more socially acceptable.

If they are adopted, they become your kids. Our kids. Our family. Our beloved blessings. They just happen to have some health concerns that must be monitered and dealt with.

It takes strong parents to advocate for these children, to honor them the way they should be honored.
I have pictured myself calling the infectious disease pediatric specialist, and making sure to point out I was making an appointment for my adopted daughter. Because, no, oh no. I don't have it. (Nervous laughing would follow trying to cover the fact that I am a complete and total jerk unworthy of such precious children afterall.) This is what I have been confronted with. My pridefulness. I am a person who would rather not do this. There are easier routes to take, and I'd like to opt for one of them! It seems so counter-intuitive to actually ask for such a thing to be brought into our lives. If I did, I would rather keep it "private" code word for secret so that no one will look at me differently, be afraid of my children, be worried to come to our house to play or eat. I have disgusted myself with my internal struggle because I have seen ugly parts of me that I didn't know were there until now. I am ashamed of that. I really am the sick one. This is not the type of honor they deserve.

God has much work to do in my life. I know I can rise up to face the challenges of fulfilling His unique calling for our lives only through Him equipping us. My husband is already far ahead of me. This gives me hope. I am not as strong as I wish I were. I am not as brave as I would like to be. I am not as immune to other people's criticism as I will need to become.

This is where I stand today, humbled but willing. Nothing is set in stone. We are still spending our days processing.

If You are calling us to this Lord, let me be conformed into what glorifies You and may I grow in Your strength to deeply love and cherish these kids the way You would have them loved.