Oh happy happy Mother's Day

Last year, I wrote a long syrupy thing about the joys of mommyhood and all that. I'm not going to link that post because I might gag on my guac n chips if I look at it right now.

Pre-Mother's Day weekend 2009 has a whole different feel than 2008 did for me.

I'm wondering who these small monster-like children running around my house (that only slightly resemble the super cute ones I gave birth to) are? I mean, who are they? They couldn't be My People. My People don't act like this.
How could all those years of pouring my sweat and tears into them, laboring night and day, working with those young ones every.single.day. of their entire existence on this planet not have taught them anything? All that repetition, over and over and over again and there is this to show for it? It's downright baffling.

Here I am, sputtering out the same old Charlie Brown's teacher's honking they've grown immune to hour upon hour, day upon day, trying new techniques, attempting to reach their hearts, and their behavior still horrifies and shocks me from time to time, even for months on end. Won't they snap out of it, I wonder? If I am consistent? Maybe? Not much snapping happening. Unless you count mine.
As in she's S N A P P E D.
My behavior in response to their behavior shocks and horrifies me even further than their behavior does in the first place. (Will I regret saying that?) It's a vicious naughty cycle with no obvious way to stop the Train of Madness. Because seriously, HOW MUCH CAN ONE PERSON TAKE? The constant corrections, the interruptions, the fighting, screaming, defiance, thoughtlessness, terrorizing and punching each other, and the wretched, wretched whining. And how about those whirlwind messes? When they move through the house like miniature Tasmanian Devils leaving a trail of destruction in their wake? I get worn thin.

If your kids are in school all day and you're home alone right this very minute, or they're grown and gone and your little angels would have never behaved in such a manner, (foggy memory-ahem) you probably think what I've thought about a mom or two myself. What a whiner. I see where her kids get it.

I humbly eat my words/thoughts. Humbly humbly humbly.

This parenting gig is no joke. Not for wimps. What a lot of hard, hard ha-a-a-a-a-rd work. The endurance required is astonishing. Day in and day out, night in and night out. No exit strategy in sight. (Even a Mexican beach doesn't sound bad these days. I'd take it. It's worth the risk.) And the ability to remain even somewhat calm in the eye of seemingly endless storms right in the comfort of your very own casa can drive a once normal woman to the brink of cRaZy mama in a heartbeat.

I'm sure I'll have to delete this because it doesn't highlight my excellence in parental guidance and wisdom and stuff. Fine. I don't care. I had to write it down. I have felt so much pressure to be/act like the right kind of parent lately with the adoption in process and I'm tired.
Newsflash: I'm far from perfect. Far, far, far.
Truthfully, yes-there is much joy and happiness. Large volumes of that. Really, there is. Yes. THERE IS. Of course there is. (Oh, sorry. Got off on a conversation with myself there.) But sometimes it becomes so clouded by the drudgery of simply getting through yet another day alive that it you have to really quiet your heart and discipline your mind to see it or at least remember that it is there.

This is just how things are. For me. Judge if you must. I don't mind at all. I've done plenty of it myself. And I am truly sorry about that.

Compassion is growng in me. Painfully. By recognizing more and more my own enormous flaws and constant struggles that I thought I would be 'over' by now.
I am thankful for that because I long to allow something good and kind and gentler emerge from being so deeply challenged by just plain old life. There has to be something worthwhile that comes along with the rather unpleasant loss of one's mind, right?
This, I hope will ultimately make me a better mom, a real touchable person, able to love better, bigger. We'll see.

Now that I've gotten it all out, I think things will really start looking up....: )