Family photo 2013

Family photo 2013

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Ammendment: Beans and Corn, not Rice

Hummus and tortilla chips. I've taken to garbanzo as my bean of choice and homemade hummus is quite inexpensive, healthy, and as addictive as illicit drugs, I'd suspect. (Not that I know)
So much rolling around in my mind. Pressures real and perceived, many whipped up by my own active imagination. Wondering why I often feel like such a failure at my role, this hefty undertaking with seemingly huge implications if I don't do it well, called motherhood. Drained and hopeless for change last night after the day ran its course, I relinquished responsibility to my husband when he returned home from working late. The commotion, the noise, the repetition, the fighting and screaming, complaining and resistance, the heavy work load and constant interruptions, I just couldn't do it anymore.

I'm sure that somewhere out in that big world, I could engage in something that would hold the appearance of being quite meaningful. Perhaps someone would actually listen to the words I speak and I would not have to frequently scratch my head and wonder if I am, in fact, uttering the English language.

Seeing my shortcomings and flaws rise up in the lives of my little ones is almost too much to bear. It is my fault they struggle as they do in certain ways, I struggle there as well and they follow my lead. How hard I try. And, then come up short. Again and again.

Asking myself who do I think I am to bring more children into this home flavored with my particular print of folly, tears softly fall wetting my face. I don't bother wiping them away. I am sorry I won't be more, have something better to offer. I am sorry I grow weary in well doing like I do. I am sorry I am not a mother with endless reserves of patience and stamina. How I would love to be!

Children were put to bed last night by their capable father who knows me well enough to sense what I needed so he said not a word, only started a bath and brought me a drink, then shut the door behind him to leave me alone.

As I read and prayed and pondered the notion that I may be in over my head, I realize by now there are no magic answers. No quick fix. No quote or verse I will read that will change my life forever and I will never again flounder. I must simply persevere, keep moving forward, hopefully grow, albeit ever so slowly. Rely on God, not only to give me strength, but also forgiveness. Over and over, I need it. Then, I have to learn to deeply accept it, let myself off the hook for not being Everything to Everyone All the Time. Even my children. Especially my children. I am human, and I am a woman, and I will disappoint. Graciousness will flow from embracing that, not only about myself, but about others also. Letting go of lofty expectation for any person is a beautiful and enduring, peace promoting, gift to offer.

Blissfully unaware or unconcerned, they are full of life this morning. Loudly busying themselves with the day. One is now telling me he knows how to spell lots of words, then recites, "b e a n s." Strangely I am comforted, by the sameness of today that drove me to the brink of despair only a few short hours ago.

Forgiveness is plentiful here. Love really does abound in our home. Life goes on as the sun rises on another day. Sometimes that new mercy that comes with each morning is palpable.

Praising God for His faithful goodness to comfort my heart, to hear my voice when I speak, to care about all I do that no one ever sees, through this process that regularly draws me to my knees and reminds me I can not, not do it alone. I need Him. Desparately.
Maybe this small world is exactly where I should be after all.

This minute, there is singing in the kitchen as chores are being completed, "I'm overwhelmed by Your love, Your faithfulness at all times...." Yeah, me too.
It's time for school.


EM said...

Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

I struggle the same. little ''mini me's '' running around, and I scream at myself.

oh well.

love you


Anonymous said...

that was o so meaniful what i just posted, i know.perked you right up! you know where i be:)

Courtney said...

love your will happen over and over...and the fact that we recognize that means we GET His grace and mercy. we NEED Him. we CAN'T do it on our own!

thanks for sharing!

i love little glimpses into your heart!

Holly said...

yep - I needed you today.

Monica said...

After reading your blog I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing women, mother, and wife. Your kids and husband are so blessed to have a mother and wife like you. I admire your strength, courage and transparency. Your soon to be kids are so blessed to be coming into the Deutsch home. May God continue to speak into you life as you continue to speak into others. Thanks so much for being so YOU. You rock.

Alicia said...

On the lighter side....I agree, hummus is terribly, terribly addictive!!! LOVE IT!!!

On the serious side, God knows what he is doing and his grace is sufficient!!

Stephanie Headley said...

You are SO hard on yourself! I think it's called Mom-itis! We all have those days where we just break down and cry because we feel inadequate. But, thankfully, we do have God to lean on! I sure don't know what I'd do without Him.

And yes, I love hummus too! I guess I need a recipe...please send me one. I would love to make it at home! Thanks for being you! Love you!

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