They say love is a decision

Not an emotion.

Interesting....

I get the intention in that statement. But I may beg to differ. Just a little bit ☻

Commitment is a decision. Loyalty is a decision. Perseverance is a decision. Self sacrifice is a decision.

But love? Come on! I am a woman. Women have feelings, emotions, heart strings. The pull of those strings motivate us to go to great lengths for those we love.

Emotions run deep and they fuel admirable, strong and stable qualities like commitment, loyalty, perseverance, and self sacrifice. You can do it without the feelings, but can we lie and say the emotions don't help? Of course they do.

They infuse flavor and depth and a compelling recollection of why we love. Even when the ones we love are not behaving in a manner that is inspiring an outpouring of our affection.

Try and tell me the Twilight series is wildly popular among the ladies because it is about decision. Um hmm. Women simply swoon when their man declares his decision toward them, don't they? "Honey, I have commitment for you." Oh baby. I'm weak in the knees. ☺

My heart was filled with beautiful, thoughtful, hopeful, longing, anticipating, emotion during our adoption process. Love....Of an idea.

This love was definitely not deep though. It was fluttery. Superficial. Topical. Set in idealism and abstract notions of what our lives would one day look like. Rooted in pictures on my computer screen of children's suffering faces. I was willing to sacrifice, yes. Money. The price was steep. A burden to bear for sure. But that was pretty much the extent of it.

Until the children came home....

And quickly, immediately I was thrust into a whirlwind of caring for kids I did not know. Children I could not communicate with in a language we both understand. Little ones who smelled different, looked different, felt different, had several physical and behavioral needs to attend to with a high yuck factor. They had no clue how to live here, in our family, what was normal. Everything that was once familiar became foreign. My home, JOTSC, my husband - it had all changed with the addition. Watching the new dynamics in our lives and relationships unfold was exciting, and scary. What if this doesn't get better?

My reactions to the newly adopted kids was not as I had anticipated. I held very low expectations based on preconceived ideas for how they would behave. I knew they would have much to deal with. I had very high expectations based on preconceived ideas for how I would behave. I expected myself to suddenly morph into superadoptivemom.

I should have known....I would have much to deal with as well. I needed abundant grace. As a complete novice there was bound to be a great learning curve, not to be underestimated.

There still is.

It has definitely, definitely not been an easy or painless road. And our kids have had only minor issues. There are so many children with extremely significantly difficult, painful transitions.

Today, as I reflect back on 3.5 months home, I can offer only praise to God. My eyes burn hot with tears of joy.

He has shown His faithfulness to me in ways I have never known it before. When I needed to grow love, big and fast and strong and enduring and hard working, committed, self sacrificing, preserving, loyal, motherly love - He was there to provide. It was not immediate. But His mighty hand carried me through and gave me ample grace and mercy and compassion and time and I learned about an altogether different kind of love.

It was a kind that began with sweet emotion and huge desire. It soon dove tailed into a love that does the work, puts in their time, prays for more, tries to learn, and counts on those new mercies that arrive with each morning like money in the bank. Because they are severely needed. Humbling love. I'm not all that I thought I would be love. I need you Lord love. Come to me please, meet me here, give me Your love for them, love.

Which eventually led to love that has both. The work and the commitment and the devotion based in decision, and warm, affectionate, emotion that fuels the fire of willingness. I needed that tenderizing emotion that would cause me to think of some small thing they did during the day and smile big. What would make me want to tell their stories as if they are the funniest thing anyone has ever heard. The kind that causes me to want to hug them, kiss them, pull them close, hold such concern for each and every detail of their lives. What would simultaneously mourn and rejoice in seeing them grow and change, embark upon new developmental territory. A love that causes my face to light up when they walk in the room.

So they have no doubt they are cherished and treasured and wanted.

I believe the distinguishing mark of a mother's heart is filled with wonderful, glorious, necessary emotion.

I don't suppose all the way "there" yet. How does one gage such things? But we've come so very far in the right direction.

Maybe there are levels of love. Perhaps they are perpetually intermingling- commitment and decision and emotion and feeling, driving deeper as maturity increases. I don't know....

What I do know is this:

I love you precious little ones, with huge, magnificent emotion Meadow and Flint. Every single day and night.
And I'm praising God.

Thank you for being patient with me.