Ok...So...Well....

Where to begin? That's the problem with breaks, now isn't it? An appropriate restarting point is difficult to find.
I have been in a period of....hmm....gosh, I'm not sure what you would call it. I don't know what kind of period I have been in. But I do know I should not end a sentence with "in." So, yeah. That's not good. Let me try again. Without the in at the end.

Very little in my life seems to make sense. Say, from an external point of view. This has given me pause. Great pause. And cause for consideration. What in the world am I doing, why am I doing it? Who am I, really? Not who do I prefer to think I am or who do I wish to portray. But who am I all the time. As in when no one is looking. Who do I want to be? All the time. Is there a disconnect between who I really am and who people think I am? If so, is it by my own doing? Where do I feel God leading me? Us? Our marriage? Our family? Am I sure? Do I want to go there? What are the risks? Is there a part of me that doesn't want to be here at all? Where I am?  Do people have breaking points? What role does the church play in our lives, my life? What role do I play in the church? Is this as it should be? Is the way to get from point A to point B to quit striving and just relax? Or is it necessary to push forward? Does God always call a husband and wife individually to what He wants them to do together - as I previously thought He did? When the sign says "free vacuums" at the car wash, is it funny to dare my husband to go in and ask for his free vacuum? Why are friendships so challenging at times? Why are women competitive? Am I competitive with the women in my life? Controlling? With anyone? Judgemental? Do I have a critical nature? If so, where and with whom? How can we avoid the hamster wheel of stuff leads to more stuff which leads to more stuff? Is my desire to be a good parent partly rooted in pride? Why do I struggle with the same sins repeatedly, over years. Will this ever go away? Do I really trust God to take care of us? What if that means.....? Why must we be ridiculously busy? Is this good for us, for our children? What is the point of all that busyness? Is it truly profiting us? Will our kids be disadvantaged if they engage in less outside activities than their peers? How am I supposed to be good with Meadow's hair when Clover's looks like a rat's nest half the time? Do Meadow and Flint feel a sense of belonging? Loved? Why do I so intensely crave a sense of freedom?  Freedom. How can I get more of that?

There seem to be no hard and fast answers. Time changes everything, and everything changes with time. So, just when I think I get something all figured out, it doesn't last long. I soon realize it's time to refigure.
I guess that's what I've been doing. Refiguring. Becuase that is the way my mind apparently works. Whew. It's kind of exhausting. I can't be the only one like this. Right? :)