I struggle enough with my 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5....or 6 :)
Those are words shared with me all.the.time. All the time.
Here is my response: (((Hey, guess what sister?))) (I let that last line stay in my mind and not come out of my mouth....usually :) (((I am a human being just like you))) (That part also stays in my mind.) And, (This is the bit I actually say - )
I struggle too!
Yes. I surely do. Just like any and every mother and I am beyond convincing that any one of us does not.
Our issues may look different, taking various forms - some of us may withdraw, while others blow up. We may daydream of paths not chosen, the ways our lives could look different. We might count down with beads...not to redeem the time but to simply bide it away until brighter days appear...when we will have more hours for ourselves, less daily stress and drama, an opportunity to do something we feel truly competent and accomplished at, with results that are visible, tangible, and respected. Perhaps we long for the days to come when we may again resemble the woman we once knew. Our Former Selves. The woman that didn't scream at anyone. Ever. The one who never locked herself in her bathroom and cried. The person who didn't appear desperate, frazzled, and tired at the grocery store, bribing her children with a treat to just let us get through this, wondering when shopping for food became such a major feat.The one who didn't find herself utterly at a loss for ways to connect with an adolescent she loves dearly, but feels she doesn't really know any more. Where did my baby go?The young lady that wore a pony tail because she wanted to, not because she hasn't had time for a shower in 2 days. The wife that welcomed her husband's touch - rather than avoiding it because she has been groped by small , needy hands all day. The one that never fantasized about running away from her life. Not because she doesn't love her children, but she never expected it to be like this.
The blog world is tricky. We can easily convey images of ourselves that are unduly lovely, evoking admiration and esteem with beautiful pictures and superficial words about where we have gone that day or the cute things our children are saying - leaving out the portions that are unflattering - isolating ourselves from the sisterhood of being women, mothers, struggling with all of this, the massive responsibility that rests upon our shoulders.
My husband and I have adopted from Africa. We homeschool. Our house is usually fairly clean. I bake and cook daily. Saving money comes easily to me. To the eyes of some, those things may make it appear, from an outside glimpse, like I have this figured out.
If so, allow me to dispel that notion. Hey, guess what sister? I struggle too. Just like you. Quite possibly much more....
If you had seen us at Wilbur's Fountain yesterday afternoon, me smiling with my children, helping Clover get in the water, holding her hand, hugging those that slipped on the concrete and fell, helping Flint tie his swim shorts again and again, giving out snacks I brought with us, you may think to yourself "how does she do it with 7? I struggle with my 2, or 3, or 4...."
You would never suspect that I cried myself to sleep last night with guilt and remorse at 8:30 pm.
Because, although the fountain was great, the rest of the day was not so pretty.
The struggle isn't always obvious. But some measure of it is always there.
6 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing. It isn't always flattering - and yet, it is real! So real!
I have only been following your blog for a few days maybe a week or so (found you through another friends blog). I am also a homeschooling mom to 4 kids (one with a learning disability) and get asked the same thing (How do you do it?). Thank You, THANK YOU, thank you (still not enough thank you's) for putting it all into words. It's nice to hear someone express the feelings I cannot easily say.
I know you struggle, and I struggle! People are crazy if they think there are people who don't. Even the most wealthy, most happy people struggle with something. Maybe it's their weight, maybe it's gossiping, maybe it's being judgemental, maybe they just have poor self esteem. BUT, EVERYONE struggles! That's how we learn patience, and that's how we grow! Thank you God for my trials, for they help me grow stronger and wiser!
why do I always feel like you reach in to my heart grab it out and throw it on the screen!?
maybe not now, but one day...write a book.
just planting a seed.
My Dear Tisha, I love you so much! I am getting ready to go to my blog and put in something, but first I new I wanted to finish reading this post (I started it last night). Ahhh, yes...amen...been there...am there... You are my fellow "star", Tisha, shining with me as we gather our strength ("brightness") from our Son ("Sun). We both know we can do it no other way! I've come to realize it's not about how many children we have or don't, it's about ourselves before Him...trying to be more like Him...trying to rest in His grace...trying to live in His abundance and blessing...
And, I think, we are - trying that is - and, I think, some days (maybe most), we find ourselves doing the thing instead of just trying.
Again, I love you Tisha Deutch! You beautiful you!
yes, YES write a book! thanks for being real. and making me feel normal.
Post a Comment