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After a great deal of (very confusing - for every pro there was a con and vise versa - my mind was swimming in a long list of pros and cons from every angle) deliberation on the subject of school for Meadow (and the other kids), late one night Bobby asked me, "what exactly do you need?" {in this situation}.
I don't know.....it's such a difficult decision.
There is too much to consider. How could I possibly carefully weigh all involved factors? The needs of each child academically, emotionally, spiritually. Meadow's particular situation, academically, emotionally, spiritually. The family unit as a whole. What I can realistically handle in a day's time. Scheduling. My own needs and limitations.
It is about education - and a lot more.
It seemed so immense.
I need God.
My brain is on overload. I'm just completely perplexed. I need Him to give me an answer. I need some peace.
This became my fervent prayer:
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
We have decided to keep Meadow (and the rest of the children) home for school and reevaluate in December during the Christmas break. I am peaceful with this decision and feel confident it is the best choice at this time.
In regard to Miss Meadow, if I give her plenty of positive reinforcement and attention, she does quite well. It is when I begin to slip on this - getting busy with the daily tasks and the business of keeping our lives afloat - or if I become overwhelmed by her neediness and begin to withdraw to a certain degree, avoiding giving her what I am sure she requires - that she will seek out attention any way she can get it. Even through undesirable behavior - which usually shows itself with her siblings. She is a sensitive young lady, and she longs to know that she is wanted, lovely, loved, adored, welcomed, seen. She desperately wants to belong and regularly feels the urge to compare.
So, I'm beginning to recognize her thought/behavior patterns and the patterns she and I have developed together. It takes a lot of thought to sift through and reflect on when and why things are happening the way they are. Children are not exactly prone to break it down for you and say, "hey mom, I began to behave this way because I felt this......" (How nice it would be if they did!)
God is giving me wisdom and insight and I am growing in my understanding of the unique needs of my sweet daughter. I am beyond grateful for this.
She really is a wonderful girl and I am quite hopeful for the future of our family as a whole and her finding a more secure place in it.
It's such an enormous learning curve, forming a cohesive family unit through adoption of older children. For all of us. We have a lot to learn. It can be a rather painful process.
We are thankful for the opportunity to navigate these waters. Even the bumpy times are worthwhile - it is in the most turbulent moments that we seem to be most teachable - when we get to a place of absolute recognition that there is no way we can do this alone. It is far beyond our capability.
We cry out to God. He hears our voice. And in due time, He answers our prayers.
4 comments:
I really feel like your Meadow and my Bereket are very similar personalities. Everything you have described (with regards to her needs and her quick as lightning tendency to compare and make fair, her acting out to let you know her heart is hurting... all of that)we went through with Bereket. It was a good solid year before we breathed a bit easier, and a good solid 2 years before I could see some pretty powerful healing in her heart. She still is prone to obsessing over equality w/ Ellie (over something as trivial as a sticker received at the bank while she was in school) but she has come so far and I know she'll be just fine.
The truth is, your Meadow will be fine too. You are only human and you will not be able to be her all. Her trust for you will continue to grow with time. She is smart and recognizes that you have certain bonds with your birthed children that she does not and cannot share with you... and it hurts.
((HUGS))
Praise God for Peace in our hearts....there's nothing like it.
I'll continue to pray for your days, for all your hearts.
Tisha, I'm a friend who traveled to Ethiopia with Lindy. I was SO encouraged by the truth in this post. I'm in a tough place with my daughter and how she responds to her siblings. Thanks for sharing your heart~
His wisdom...it flows over our burdened hearts with such peace, doesn't it?? so thankful for that for you...and will continue to lift ALL of you up in prayer!
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