They are so close

Jayla and Meadow. They have been ever since the day we brought Meadow home. Instantly, they hit it off, the best of friends, sisters. Peas and carrots. Or, a chocolate and vanilla swirl. :)
Their bond was immediate and strong.

Jayla was tremendously beneficial to me those first few days and weeks. When it was very hard for me. When I was terribly sick. When I was in a state of post adoptive shock - happy to be home to my babies whom I missed horribly while we were in Ethiopia, uncertain about how or when things would ever feel normal again. When I felt ill prepared. I had no idea it would be like this. Jayla took Meadow under her wing. She was her playmate. Her English teacher. Her Deutsch family guide.

Meadow was fragile. Jaya, unwavering in her excitement and gratitude for Meadow's presence, served as an anchor for the frightened, wounded little girl. They spent their hours and days together, engaging in all things girly. While it was clear from the start Meadow and I had much hard work to do, Jayla was there to simply enjoy her new sister. And she did.

I quickly became abundantly thankful for Jayla. She showed me, in vivid, living color, what pure, unadulterated, welcoming, enveloping, "I take you just as you are" love looked like.

She was my guide too.

I suppose the closeness between them was bound to breed competition. How could it not?

This afternoon, Meadow told me she feels that I love Jayla more than I love her.

Oh, My Heart.

A couple of weeks ago, the girls went to Bobby's parent's house for a sleep over. I missed them very much. I could.not.wait. for Jayla to come back. I was happy to see Meadow home again too. But it was not exactly the same as how I yearned for Jayla's presence or missed her in her absence.

I cried, talked to Bob. Felt such a sense of guilt over the difference.

I've known Jayla for 9 years. She was my first born. We've been through the ups and downs of each stage of her life. I've missed so little, been with her so much. Loved her deeply. I would give my life for her, without hesitation, with no reserve, without second thought. She is my baby. Our bond is unbreakable. The love is natural, free flowing, bountiful.
I've known Meadow for 6 months. I know extremely little about her history, her ups and downs, the stages of her life. I've missed so much, been with her so little. She can communicate clearly what is concrete, but has a more difficult time with what is abstract - feelings, emotions, thoughts, experiences. They mostly just show in behaviors. Behaviors that can be rather draining to deal with. It's hard to dig down to root of the issues she faces. I try to help her in every way I can. I love her deeply. I am committed to her.

But it is not the same.

Meadow is right.

And as an adoptive mother, my heart breaks for that precious little girl who lost her mommy that knew her when....and loved her so.

These things take time. For me, it is taking time. I am getting there, but it is a gradual, building process. Meadow is a big girl. A perceptive, sensitive one.

She knows - I am a willing spirit, but a sub par replacement.

God draw near to us. She and I need You.