A friend recently mentioned that I don't write a lot about my husband. True.
I jokingly say I keep him a secret because if women ((out there)) knew too much, they would try to snatch him up for themselves. And, well, that would be pretty devastating since he is already taken and all. Deep down, no one wants to be a homewrecker. But if they knew, if they really knew The Truth, they may not be able to help themselves. So, I usually stay mostly quiet. For the common good of womankind.....☺

This Thanksgiving though, my heart is so full. So full because of this man.

2010 hasn't exactly been my most flattering year.

Our adoption process began an onslaught of eye opening revelations. From my perspective, it seemed that the world as I knew it completely changed. What I once thought to be simple and true and just and pure suddenly became blurry and questionable and grey and crooked and complex. Right and wrong, good and evil, dark and light no longer had distinguishable boundaries. The waters were irrevocably muddied. I wanted them desperately to become clear again. For the noble and honorable path to be marked. One that I could feel wholly good about, engage in with a completely clear conscience.

The return home with our children further complicated things for me. Previously, I had felt myself such a fine candidate for Adoptive Mother. Full of longing and compassion, I thought I would be an excellent fit for this new role, able to offer precisely what was needed. I soon realized I was not who I supposed myself to be. Affection wasn't flowing naturally, effortlessly, freely as it had with our other children. The constant work of it all led to constant weariness. The weariness led to lack of willingness. The lack of willingness led to enormous guilt. The guilt led to resentment. It was not a pretty cycle.

All of the struggle gave birth to a spiritual crisis of sorts. Amidst all of this, what did I now believe about the God I served? What did He want from me? What did I want from Him? Did we read  signs incorrectly? Did we mistake his provision and leading for something He never intended? Is this challenging experience what He wanted for us? For Meadow and Flint? For our family? For Meadow and Flint's biological families? What should I expect from The Church? What should I have to offer The Church? What does He desire from us, from our service, from our praise, from our worship? How do I seek His face? Why don't I see Him here? He seems so much harder to find than He once was....

I used to feel confident I had the answers. Now, I no longer knew.

Throughout it all - my husband has been patient, full of grace toward me. Late night conversation after late night conversation, he is there to listen, to observe, to offer suggestions, to encourage and admonish, without judgement. Exactly where I am. And, where I am has obviously not always been a place he wants to be..... But, he goes with me, joins me, hand in hand.
He absorbs it all - my questions, my complaints, my grievances, my frustrations, my disillusionment - strong and unwavering, gentle and kind, he soaks it in. I'm sure it hasn't been easy for him.

Unthreatened, unrushed, and unafraid, he lets me be this person. He trusts me to move through my own process at my own speed.
Even in a place that I ever thought I would be, just like this, all messy and upside down, he loves me.

And when I stop to think about it, I realize, I do still see God afterall.

Happy Thanksgiving Bobby.