It was like a tidal wave

So highly unusual, completely unexpected, I remember the exact moment it happened. I know where I was standing, in my bedroom, the time of day it was, the day of the week.

It was such a relief. After wondering for so long, month after month, if it would ever be. If our lives, my life, my heart, my world, my family, my self, would again feel at all normal, peaceful, right, good, light, natural, free.

Everything was such hard work. Doing the basic essentials, getting through the hours, required enormous energy and thought and pushing through the pervasive lack of desire. There was a spiral effect. The less I felt drawn toward this child, the less I was able, willing to offer what I knew, without a doubt she needed, the more I wondered what was wrong with me. How could I not have known I would be devastatingly terrible at this? Why did I not realize it before? How had I been so blind? I had never seen myself this way. Perpetually awful. I felt literally rotten to the core. The guilt followed. Always the guilt. There was no escape from the continual guilt. No matter how hard I tried, I had a child I could not seem to properly love. What a disservice I have done. She ought to have better.
I would pray and pray, go through the motions, put in my time, but my heart was cold and it made me horribly sad.

Then, on that day, completely out of the blue, the flood gates opened. I don't know exactly what changed or why it happened, but in that ordinary instant, right there in my room, folding towels, something extraordinary took place. Suddenly, it clicked. Tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face wetting the towels. They wouldn't stop. All that pent up emotion I had been holding on to poured forth.

It's difficult to explain, but all I can say is I just knew. I knew. I knew! I could do this. I can be her mother. I can feel like a mother to her. I can nurture her like a mother should. I can yearn for her closeness, treasure her presence, marvel at the blessing of her life. I can love her.
I do love her. Oh my. Praise you Lord. I love her.

I love her.

God turned my heart toward my daughter. For the first time, those very words, my daughter didn't scare me or intimidate me or make me resentful. She is my daughter, my beloved girl. Not mine from the beginning, but mine just the same.
And my mother's heart deeply rejoices. Sweet redemption.

I'm sorry to Meadow that it took me so long to come around. And still, I am grateful for this experience. It has helped me grow in ways I never could have imagined in places I never knew needed growth.

I thank God for not leaving me, for providing for her. I thank Him for allowing me to see my own depravity for what it truly is. I thank Him for the recognition that I can do nothing apart from Him, and for graciously, gently lifting me out of that dark place.
He alone is Good.

There is such hope. If He can do it for me, He can do it for anyone.