Family photo 2013

Family photo 2013

Thursday, November 04, 2010

It was like a tidal wave

So highly unusual, completely unexpected, I remember the exact moment it happened. I know where I was standing, in my bedroom, the time of day it was, the day of the week.

It was such a relief. After wondering for so long, month after month, if it would ever be. If our lives, my life, my heart, my world, my family, my self, would again feel at all normal, peaceful, right, good, light, natural, free.

Everything was such hard work. Doing the basic essentials, getting through the hours, required enormous energy and thought and pushing through the pervasive lack of desire. There was a spiral effect. The less I felt drawn toward this child, the less I was able, willing to offer what I knew, without a doubt she needed, the more I wondered what was wrong with me. How could I not have known I would be devastatingly terrible at this? Why did I not realize it before? How had I been so blind? I had never seen myself this way. Perpetually awful. I felt literally rotten to the core. The guilt followed. Always the guilt. There was no escape from the continual guilt. No matter how hard I tried, I had a child I could not seem to properly love. What a disservice I have done. She ought to have better.
I would pray and pray, go through the motions, put in my time, but my heart was cold and it made me horribly sad.

Then, on that day, completely out of the blue, the flood gates opened. I don't know exactly what changed or why it happened, but in that ordinary instant, right there in my room, folding towels, something extraordinary took place. Suddenly, it clicked. Tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face wetting the towels. They wouldn't stop. All that pent up emotion I had been holding on to poured forth.

It's difficult to explain, but all I can say is I just knew. I knew. I knew! I could do this. I can be her mother. I can feel like a mother to her. I can nurture her like a mother should. I can yearn for her closeness, treasure her presence, marvel at the blessing of her life. I can love her.
I do love her. Oh my. Praise you Lord. I love her.

I love her.

God turned my heart toward my daughter. For the first time, those very words, my daughter didn't scare me or intimidate me or make me resentful. She is my daughter, my beloved girl. Not mine from the beginning, but mine just the same.
And my mother's heart deeply rejoices. Sweet redemption.

I'm sorry to Meadow that it took me so long to come around. And still, I am grateful for this experience. It has helped me grow in ways I never could have imagined in places I never knew needed growth.

I thank God for not leaving me, for providing for her. I thank Him for allowing me to see my own depravity for what it truly is. I thank Him for the recognition that I can do nothing apart from Him, and for graciously, gently lifting me out of that dark place.
He alone is Good.

There is such hope. If He can do it for me, He can do it for anyone.
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Cassie said...

haven't been able to stop thinking about you since my visit. this post makes me so very happy in my heart.
love you.

Tisha said...

Thank you Cassie. You were such an understanding listener, you are such a kind friend. Love you too.

Courtney said...

wow. thank you for allowing us on your journey...ALL of it! you are a wonderful mom. so precious.

Amy© said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy© said...

Finally! I think something's been up w/my computer--I could read but not comment until now!!!

And again... finally! I have read all of the story so far... and am not surprised to hear this, but so happy to know that YOU are having an easier time of things FINALLY. You've loved all of them enough, loved them all well, loved them a;; thoroughly... it's just that now our Heavenly Father has shown that you have loved them ALL ALONG regardless of whatever else was said, shown, or told. You are an awesome, amazing mother, and you are doing a wonderful, WONDERFUL job!

Amy© said...

(sorry, missed a typo in my first comment! And I hope that I was clear in the one I published... which ended up w/typos too!... If you have questions, please let me know! I am not good w/my words, but I have the best intentions!)

Anonymous said...

God indeed is still in the miracle business with all of us - and for that I am so greatful. Be Blessed Sweet Tisha.
Aunt Linda

Carla said...

Oh how good God is! When we are willing and we come to his feet with our wretchedness and He gently picks us up with His love, mercy and grace. I am so glad for you, that you have come to this place. Don't be discouraged if the old feelings try to creep back up here and there. You have had a MAJOR break through, but the enemy will not give up that easily. Just keep trusting in the One who set this child in your family because He knows this is exactly where she needs to be. You are the mother she needs. Blessings to you and your family!

Tisha said...

Thank you for taking the time to leave sweet words. They mean so much to me!

Beckysblog said...

That is just awesome. A lot of people have been praying for this for you both!

Anonymous said...

loved this post!!! Warm, fuzzy, happy feelings. Rejoicing with you, Tisha and praising our Father.


Jodie said...

Praise God for your breakthrough!!! I'm so happy you've crossed the threshold. It gives me hope.

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