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Flint told me today (in his usual extremely quiet, demure, but matter-of-fact-manner) that he doesn't like me. Unsure that I heard him correctly because he speaks very softly
Bobby and I were talking on Sunday and I shared with him that I was sure my lack of therapeutic parenting has caused Meadow and Flint to be afraid of consequence....and quite frankly, afraid of me. Parenting them with the same approach that worked so beautifully in simultaneously developing strong, nurturing bonds and appropriate respect for boundaries with each of our biological children during their early years - has not proven itself the best technique for building healthy attachment with our adopted children.
I have let the busyness of daily life, the stress and demands of raising 7 children within a 6 year span, our full homeschooling schedule, and my own desire to hold them at an arms length - to an extent - as I adapted to my new role of adoptive mom, to keep me from pursuing the greatest good I could offer them as a mother. I spent a huge portion of the last year swimming in a sea of uncertainty, loss, grief, regret, and ambivalence. Trying to get through the days, I put one foot in front of the other, working hard to hold it together, knowing many small hearts and lives were at stake. But I certainly did not give my best. I'm not sure I was in a place that I could. I can see the effects of this now. In Flint. As I'm finally, really coming out of my post adoptive fog, I am sure of one thing. I have much work to do. (So I took him in my arms and kissed his soft cheeks, professing my love for him and undying devotion, which only made him laugh. It's a start.....)
On the up side, his confession spurred an outpouring of effusive affection from the other kids. And, let's face it, momma can always use a little lift. I would fully this expect from JOTSC, who are protective of their mommy's feelings and are still young and innocent enough to believe she hung the moon. But it was Meadow's response that really got to me, sending a sweet ache to my heart. She hugged me big and told me, unreservedly, that she loves me very much and she doesn't know why Flint would say that. She showed such warmth and compassion.
After all the mistakes I've made this year, with my countless fumbling and foibles as I unsteadily, awkwardly staked new territory in my Motherhood Journey, when she would have every right to stand along side him and say, "I don't like you either" she told me she loved me. And, I believe her. I can not express how humbling that is.
This afternoon, unexpectedly, I saw God's grace in my African daughter's eyes. Rich, benevolent, mercy.
Today was a good day.
3 comments:
Love you Tisha.
that's all.
Just love you.
Thank you for sharing this. Avi used to tell me often that he wanted a different mom. He hasn't said it in a long time. To be honest, I think he finally realized that most moms are about the same (grumpy, tired, firm with no, etc.) and he had really been thinking it was just me. He just had no idea what a mom actually is, and I think that he thought it was someone much nicer who said yes a lot more.
Post adoption is hard, I was so sick leaving China this time I wasn't sure I'd be able to get on the plane...I fully admit it was all caused by nervousness and emotion and fear just running rampant through my body. Totally feel you and your thoughts here. It's hard to satisfy everyone's needs including yourself. It was and is still hard for my 5 year old. We've only been home with our 2nd adopted daughter 7 months and it's still an adjustment. But, I will say, all said and done, I definitely have no regrets...and I love my girl fiercely. One day at a time...heck, even one hour at a time, is what works sometimes.
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