Yep, I just admitted I sometimes watch trashy television. Judge me if you'd like. This show honestly makes me all kinds of crazy about my husband, so I affectionately label it marriage enhancement. But that's another story...
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This morning, I arose at the break of darkness to get the flock ready for school-for-homeschoolers, took off in the van with them in tow, only to turn around and come back home when my daughter suddenly became, um, sick to her stomach. Oh my. That hasn't happened to us in a long time. Big kids are better at knowing when the subject is coming up, you know? The experience reminded me so much of having babies. How I wish I had an unpredictably vomitous baby to care for!
Speaking of babies, facebook is the land of fertility, have you noticed? It seems every day there are 1 or 2 or 255 announcements made regarding either the conception or birth of a new little sweet smelling bundle of joy, documented with pictures of ultra sounds and tiny scrunched up faces underneath the softest feathery hair you ever did see (or no hair at all!). Truth be told, after all this time, I still mourn. Some days (months) are better than others. It seems I just can not quite move all the way past the notion that miracles do indeed happen, and perhaps I might have the opportunity to be blessed with just a small one. Infertility is the gift that keeps on giving, every month another chance arises for a fresh bit of grief to settle in and make itself at home. Then, acceptance follows coupled with gratitude for all that I have and finally, the resolve to move on. Repeat. Again and again.
It's that dastardly hope that really gets me. The flicker of the most minuscule glimmer of possibility that is always there, in the back of my mind, wishing, praying, daydreaming about the extensive rejoicing that would follow the good news that Dear Aunt Flo has decided to take a sabbatical. I ask myself, when we had the most sacred gift of procreation at our fingertips, when it came so easily (before we made that dreadful decision) did I properly appreciate the infinite preciousness and precarious nature of it? It has all given me such compassion for those want to, but have not, will not, be able to bear a child and the pain they endure, because it's all so impossibly impossible to escape. Every.where.you.look. there are babies.
My heart breaks for those couples.
So, Bobby and I have been talking and we (ok...I...and him too, mostly because of me) really would like to foster a baby. Plans are in the works. Not too soon, there's plenty to do for now. But one happy, happy day, if I could be so blessed, a little one will vomit in my van and I will clean it up with deep giddy gladness, not because I'm a fan of upchuck, but because of the joy that child's mere presence will bring.
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