Family photo 2013

Family photo 2013

Friday, September 05, 2014

Dear Baby,

It's times like this I wish I knew more about heaven, that my faith was stronger, more resolute and resolved and certain - less burdened with questions - more satisfied with answers that would serve to satiate the gaping hole of longing that has settled deep within my soul.

You were my hope, my yearning, my future, my craving, my most beloved and treasured and welcomed and wanted and earnestly desired, gift, my sweet baby.

We lost you at 10 weeks to the very day.

Since we couldn't conceive you the natural way, we went to extraordinary, great lengths on your behalf. Because of this my pregnancy was heavily monitored, which means I got to see your tiny heart gloriously flickering three times. 3 times! At 6 weeks, 8 weeks, and 9 weeks. Elation. Uncontainable jubilee. Joy unspeakable.

I thought of you always, when I would lie down at night, when I awoke during it, first thing when I opened my eyes, all day long. As I would do my daily routine you were forever on my mind. I would hang laundry on the clothesline and think of your small things one day warming in the sun. When I ran errands, I could imagine you along with me. As I prepared food, I considered what I would make for you. During school with the kids I thought of you arriving during our Spring Break. As I slept I dreamt of you.

You enveloped the whole of my heart.

I wanted you so, so, so very much.

Though they say it's silly, there's nothing I could have done differently, I can't help but feel as if I've let you down. Did I lift too much? Not take it easy enough? Should I have eaten better, slept longer, exercised more? Less? Because baby, I would do anything for you. Anything. Anything. Anything.

I'm sorry I couldn't carry you. I'm sorry I lost you. I'm sorry my body let you go. If I could have, by sheer will kept you alive, I would have. I would have. I would have. Please, know that, ok?

Now, I sit and wonder how it's possible to miss someone you've never met with every fiber of your being. All of my self, every part of me that lives and moves and breathes aches for you, wishes for your presence, mourns your magnificent loss. My eyes swell with grief. The sorrow folds in on me. It presents itself a cavern I am unable to lift my eyes beyond.

You still never leave my mind. Not when I go to sleep, not when I awake, not when I dream. It's always of you, you, you.

I know time will heal and the jagged edges of pain will mercifully soften. For that I am glad. I can not imagine keeping on this way.

Even when it does, even when I am able to smile and laugh and find a measure of glee again, even when I move on, I hope you know I will never, ever forget you. You were my momentary miracle, my wonder and awe and most sincere gratitude.

I waited for you for years.

I love you with every ounce my mother's heart.

You are my precious little one.

I truly hope to see you one day...when all the wrongs are made right and the only tears will burn hot, exuberant, glad, triumphant. Then, my joy will know no bounds.

Until then, take good care.

Goodbye, sweet baby.

Love always,
Your mommy


Beckysblog said...

Oh Tisha, tears, hugs and prayers.

Courtney Cassada said...

holding you up, dear friend.

Alyssa said...

Tisha. I am so so sorry. My heart aches desperately for you. I'll be keeping you close to Him in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry Tisha, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I went through this twice before my daughter. It will take time to find joy again, but you will find it again. Hugs.

-Lisa Marie Miller

Sara said...

I am so sorry for your loss tish! Keeping you guys in my prayers.

Linda ransom said...

Too sad for words, only tears.

Emily said...

i am so sorry Tisha--- this was a baby just like your other little ones. Praying that God provides you with His peace and comfort during this time through others and His presence.

One Thankful Mom said...

Oh Tisha, I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I am praying for you right now. May the presence of Jesus be a sweet comfort in this very sad time. And if you're totally mad at him, that's okay too - he can handle it.

Dawn said...

Oh no!!! I am SO very sorry!!! :(

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