So far, I have found my 30's to be freeing and defining. I am slowly beginning to see, it is okay to be me, and that me that I am is ever changing.
Exploring my life and 'becoming' myself is a process. One that leads me to come to realizations and make decisions, sometimes painfully so. It would be easier to drift along, not overly concerned with constantly striving for better. Sometimes I wish I could do just that.
As difficult as I might find this journey to be at times, I know it is worthwhile because what I am really on is a quest for holiness. Not intellectualism, not self actualization, not popularity, not personal achievement, not "higher consciousness," not even happiness, but holiness. Communion with the Father. Whatever doesn't help me achieve that destination, I have to be willing to part ways with. This leads me back to the painful part,as this is not always easy to do.
Currently, I find myself in a cleansing stage. Transitioning from one tier to the next in this growth process and asking to see the things in my life that aren't leading me toward my ultimate goal. Humbling myself, requesting to see His will for my life at this point and for strength and a willingness to follow wherever He guides, allowing what hinders me to fall away. Asking Him to expose me for who I really am. Requesting courage to see the muck in my heart and the resolve to do what is necessary to wash it clean. Quietly I wait and make my requests known to Him so that He may lead me in the the path of Holiness.
This is who I want to be. I want to be a follower of Christ. More than anything else, this defines me. I have found the me I am supposed to be.... along with some junk that needs clearing out.
Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
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