There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you -

It's something I often say to the kids. They are my babies. My beloved blessings from the beginning of their days, long before they were born. They are mine and I am theirs. For this time, we belong together. Yes, we disappoint one another. We fall short and tantrum and show our ugliest side and ask for forgiveness....repeatedly. I will not agree with their every decision as they grow older. They will not agree with mine. We flail and flounder, lose our bearings and painfully, slowly find them again. We walk through the valleys and emerge anew. We laugh together and cry together and sometimes we cry alone. We hold each other softly, and turn our backs on one another. We give love, take love, offer love, and refuse love from time to time.
We like to call it living life! Through it all, nothing they could ever do would sever the tremendous, fierce, protective love I have for them. Even if it is very, very bad, unthinkable, unfathomable, unmentionable, undesirable. Even when they hurt me, or if they break my heart.

I have committed myself to loving them.

While preparing to pick up our newest additions to the family, I am reminded over and over that adoption can be really tough. People definitely flail and flounder and those bearings can be difficult to locate. The cost is great. Fatigue, monotony, lack of visible effectiveness, may lend itself to feelings of uncertainty, inadequacy, regret, a longing for the way things used to be.

I'm not going to lie - it's scary. Not knowing, having really zero clue what these two are actually like, day to day, or how they will respond to us, our family, our home, our parenting, our children, leaves many questions and room for more than enough doubt. I keep seeing good, good people struggling. My heart goes out to them. I know this is not easy. It is not plan A. It is not the natural order of things. It's almost enough to make me want to take my packed suitcase to the Bahamas instead!

But, I am deeply comforted by the fact that I know God has called us to this place. To these children. The events surrounding this adoption are strange and unusual and I believe absolutely supernatural. It's not something I carelessly quip - this is God's calling. Not in a general, just following James 1:27 way either. I believe this was God's specific calling for our family, at this time, with this agency, toward these particular children. He has shown Himself present in ways that speak clearly to me.

He will not fail us. He will not leave us. He will not forsake us. He will walk us through whatever valleys lie ahead. He will. I just know it.

To Masso and Tamene,
Before we meet, I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts with you.
There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. I say that knowing full well you may try! Perhaps hard. And I am sure this will not be simple or easy for any one of us. Most of all you.
I pray God's protection and grace over our family, over your lives and your young hearts. May He draw near to you and give me wisdom and strength and endurance and a love that knows no bounds, so I may learn to be your mother, your safe place.
I pray for an openness that is willing to look beyond how I think things should be and humbly offers you what you need instead. For this time, may God meet my needs, so that I may meet yours with a servant's heart.
I pray that you may come to know that I am unconditionally grateful for the gift of your presence in our lives. You, just as you are, are exactly what I needed.
I pray that I can grow up and be mature and offer the purest affection I have.
I pray that 1 Corinthians 13 will be vivid in my mind's eye and that my selfishness will die down.
I pray that I will not grow weary in well doing and I will count on seeing good fruit, even after dry seasons, even when I'm not sure the sun will shine again.
I will not give up on you. I will be faithful to you as God is faithful to me.

You are my beloved blessings.

I commit myself to loving you.

May God be gracious to you and bless you and make his face shine upon you.
Tenderly,
Your mommy