Still present. Still frequent. Often follows repetitive wailing sounds. Some days all day long the cycle repeats. Others only a few. Over a wide array of subjects. Often, they would be completely minor, remarkably insignificant offenses for even the most sensitive children I've known. The language makes it difficult to understand, although I'm not sure it would help if we could communicate. This may or may not change with time. It is tiresome. It affects the mood in the house, mainly because it affects my disposition and I set the tone. It is disruptive to the flow. During her happy moments, when she wants my attention, hanging on my arm, pulling on my shirt, hamming it up, "mama, mama, mama, mama" expecting me to laugh at the cute little display she is showing me, I am less likely to want to give it to her because I'm so worn down from this. We step forward, we step back. I have to ask God for the promising flickers of love I have to turn deep and fierce, in spite of the irritation I feel....real.
4 comments:
Did you adopt MY child? LOL... in all seriousness, that was the pattern of our days w/ Bereket too. The extreme sensitivity to any perceived inequality or injustice lasted for quite some time in our house. But Bereket IS learning and has come a long way. Once she threw a fit in a restaurant because we all got decorative toothpicks with our sandwhiches, but Mine, Ben's, and Ellie's toothpick "flags" were pressed flat and her's happened to be froofy. Yes. Yes. What child throws a fit about her toothpick being different from the others? My child. My child that has been through an emotional Hell and doesn't believe she is really worthy of anything. I hope it cheers you to know that she doesn't throw fits over those minor things anymore. I'd also be lying if I told you that we don't still deal with our fair share of pouts and tantrums due to her insecurities and wanting to be the boss. But I can guarentee that it gets easier and your girl will learn to trust you more and more, just as mine has. It just takes time. The Love thing takes a while too.
Holly - Let me tell you, how I need to hear what you have to say! What a comfort that is to me. Yes!! It's like that!! With the toothpicks! It leaves me scratching my head, saying, "really?" Over and over again...all day long.
And with all the other children in the house, there are ENDLESS offenses. Gosh. The list is so long. I'm trying very hard not to be negative or rude or depict her in an unattractive light - and at the same time I want to be truthful. It's such a fine line....it blurrs easily for me. I'm just so in the thick of it -
I am grateful you take the time to read. I've been talking so much lately. Thank you.
With only having Ellie as the other sib, Bereket watched Ellie like a hawk. Anything Ellie had, Bereket HAD to have it immediately. Even if she didn't like yogurt. Ellie had a green froggy bath towel, Bereket threw a 45 minute tantrum because I didn't have a green froggy bath towel to dry her off with after her bath. Ellie fell down and got hurt and needed hugs? Bereket purposefully ran and banged her head on the chair and faked crying while I had an actual crying child in my arms, so that she could have the same thing. It was intense for a long time.
We SERIOUSLY need to reconnect! Our kids have been home such a short time, too. Some days it's unbearable. Others, it's OK. I DAILY have to pray that God will give me HIS LOVE and HIS EYES for these children.
We're in this together and I know God made our paths cross yesterday!
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