It was one of the parts of the journey that I was completely unprepared for.
The language issue/barrier/challenge when adopting older kids internationally.
This is a conversation that happened with Flint this morning. It is reminiscent of a thousand conversations we've had before. They all basically take the same form.
Me: Flint, why did you throw the cat?
Flint: (long pause, no answer)
Me: Flint, why did you throw the cat?
Flint: (long pause, no answer)
Me: Flint, please answer with your mouth. Why did you pick up the cat and throw it?
Flint: Because I pick up the cat and throw it.
Me: I know you did. Why did you do it?
Flint: (long pause, no answer)
Me: Did it seem like a good idea to throw the cat?
Flint: (long pause, no answer)
Me: Do you think it felt good to the cat?
Flint: Yes.
Me: You do?
Flint: Yes.
Me: You think it is nice to throw the cat?
Flint: Yes.
Me: Is it nice to throw the cat?
Flint: Yes.
Me: Should you throw the cat Flint?
Flint: Yes.
{Me: (((((((AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGG))))))))) (That is what I say to myself. On the inside. Right before I bang my head against the wall for added fun. :) }
Me: Flint, it is not nice to throw the cat. Please do NOT pick up that cat. I do not want to see you pick up the cat. Do you understand?
Flint: Ok.
We truly can not converse. It is a HUGE part of my weariness - the lack of ability to communicate, to teach, to effectively correct and admonish, to gather any kind of accurate feedback.
They say yes when they mean no and no when they mean yes and change back and forth between yes and no when asked the same question. We go around and around in great big circles winding up nowhere!
It is easier with Meadow, she comprehends and communicates much more clearly than he does, but there are still large, large gaps in her understanding, (which is to be expected, of course - but still quite challenging to work with and through.) She also is prone to not answer when asked a question (long pause, no answer.) Unless I happen to have oodles of spare time in that moment to coax out a response, it can become rather frustrating.
If you are in process to adopt children who are of speaking age, do not underestimate the time and work it will take to be able to truly communicate with one another. For us, it continues to prove a long, winding road that requires a great deal of patience and trust that things will eventually get better - that there will one day be more give and take, back and forth.
If you have been down this path and have helpful suggestions, I'm all ears.
7 comments:
Ugh - this is a tough one. First it is important to know that kids often lose thier first language faster than they can aquire the second - which is a problem called subtractive bilingualism and it can really cause learning problems. When this happens with our son it helps me to know that what is going on is that he is looking for the words in his mind - but they are not there so I have to phrase them for him to give him the language. I think that girls are naturally more verbal so they gain language faster anyway. It is tough.
Oh Trish I feel you on this one! I went through (ok am still going through) some of these problems with Brandon. When he was five, he was dropping kittens into a bucket full of water. I explained to him how it could kill the kittens and that kittens really don't like water. But in his mind it was hot and the kittens wanted to cool down.
Boys can be impulsive (not that I need to tell you that :)) but sometimes they do things without thinking and have absolutely no idea why they do what they do or they just don't see things the way we do. Another example was once he opened a friends door and the cat came in. Brandon was asked, "why did you let the cat in?" Brandon's answer was "I didn't LET him in, I opened the door and the cat came in." It wasn't his intention to let the cat in so in his mind he was innocent.
patience patience patience
listen listen listen
Amy
Came over from NHBO.
We have adopted three older, DD who was 3 at adoption, and then our two sons, home 3 months at 10 and 5.
It is much more difficult with our 10YO son, but his receptive is coming along nicely. Our DD was not speaking at adoption so not such a big deal.
DS, 5, is doing well. He is just an easy kid though. I get what you're saying. I find other things for us are harder than the language though.
No big suggestions but there are cards you can print out that are used with autistic children. They have pictures or you could make your own maybe? DO pet the cat. DO NOT throw the cat, etc.
Finally, as a mom of 4 boys, I think some others have hit on the biggie. Boy can be so sweet and also so mischievous. :) Poor cat.
Thank you.
Bonnie, I was especially thrilled to know there is a term for it - subtractive bilingualism!!! Clearly, Meadow definitely has that!! Thank you for cluing me in :)
Flint has boyness :)
We have 4 boys within a 3 year span, and I know very well boys will be boys. So, this isn't really about the cat. The poor cat was just an example. It is about the inability to teach or correct or instruct or communicate effectively and feel like we're making progress. I know we will get there. At the pace of a very slow snail :)
Thank you again for your feedback.
Trish,
We're in the process of adopting an older boy and in my research, I came across this article:
http://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/Article/Abrupt-native-language-loss-in-international-adoptees/31721
I was SHOCKED at how quickly these kids lose their native language. Unfortunately, they're not picking up the new language as quickly as they lost the old, so they're left in this void which has got to be incredibly frustrating. Without language, how can you even think clearly?
I wish I had some great advice to share because we'll be in the same situation very soon!
Good luck!
I, too, am shocked by how quickly our children have lost their language. I expected it with Z (5), but not so quickly with E (10). E will still pray at mealtime in Creole but has no idea what she's saying.
A friend brought a Creole-speaker to a playgroup, and Z couldn't understand anything (E was at school). The woman said that she typically will work with chidren WITHOUT parents, because children will speak in the language of their authority.
I was so grateful when the girls came home that E did know so much English, because Z spoke hardly anything. I needed her to translate on many occasions. But at this point, I think I know more Creole than they remember.
I agree with "Wife" that perhaps the picture cards may be a good idea. Maybe you could even put the Amarhic word on there with the English?
came here from "no hands" my only suggestion is instead of asking why...simply say "no, we do not do that"model correct behavior (stroke the cat) and then redirect.
Think toddler (2 y.o.) especially if you are still working on attachment
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