I did not sleep one wink last night. I was seriously awake all.night.long.
It's a long story, and quite a surprising twist - Jayla, Onyx and Tyden are going to join Meadow and Flint at school. They start tomorrow. Stryder and Clover will be home with me.
Oh, my heart.
How it aches.
And aches.
And aches.
Like, physically.
I don't know what's wrong with me. People do this every single day with no problem. Some even find it joyful!
I believe wailing would be the appropriate word to describe my continual, sobbing outbursts last night and today. My stomach is in knots, my chest hurts. No matter how hard I try to act like I'm happy, for the sake of the kids, tears will.not.stop. streaming down my face. I am a sight!
It's just that I will miss them. I will miss them so much. I will miss the long bike rides Onyx and I took during afternoon quiet times together. I will miss Jayla being my right hand girl and the amazing willingness she had to see what needed to be done and jump right in. I will miss Tyden, the way he liked to hang out with me in the kitchen and how he so often asked me "is there anything I can do to help?" The things we used to do together, what they would each do individually....their presence. I will miss their presence. Here. With me.
They are going to love it. Once Meadow and Flint were going, seeing Jayla, Onyx and Tyden's longing to give school a try themselves at a real school with a real teacher and real recess and lots of friends, I could not deny them the opportunity. They would be fantastically compliant and willing if I kept them home, but truly, they are thrilled at the chance to go. I don't want to selfishly hold them back, nearer to me than they need to be.
Sometimes, being a mom is really, really hard. I don't know if my heart was made for this.
Deep down, I do believe that ultimately, this move will make me a better mother. My stress level will be nowhere close to where it has been. I pray my relationships with each of my children will grow and get sweeter. I will have ample opportunity to miss them, and to be very intentional about the time we do have together. My hope is that I will spend less time chasing my life and more time productively living it.
You wonderful momma friends I have who are very close to your kids that go to school are on the forefront of my mind today. You are what is getting me through this! I cling to your example right now.
And to these little love bugs who will serve as my daily companions. I don't know what I would do without you...
Let's eat candy all day while the big kids are at school, ok?
6 comments:
oh, tisha! wow!!!!! my heart HURTS for you. i KNOW how hard it is! i'm DREADING it (we have a couple weeks..)
praying for you today. it gets easier. but never easy.
proud of you for doing what is best for ALL of you. it will be ok. they will be ok. you will STILL have sweet moments with them!
sending MUCH love and prayers!
Thinking of you especially today. It is not easy. But YOU are right...your time together will be even sweeter! Praying for all of you. :) love from Iowa. (AND from a classroom that is probably very similar to jayla's this year!!)
Can I come over and eat candy with you?? I'll even provide it!! If you need to drop the kids off in the morning, and come over for coffee and brownies (already made, mind you!) DO IT!! You can cry, I will dance, then we can switch roles.
I remember the day my kiddos went back to school after years of homeschooling.... the worry the pain the fear... but I needed to step out from under the stress of it all. The kids will do great and you will too! And you don't have to send them if it isn't working out for all of you.
Ok, I'm crying now Tisha. Really. I so feel your pain and am right there with you. Lucie starts 1st grade next week and it makes my heart very sad to think of her being gone all day for the first time :( We are moving forward with public school until we feel called otherwise......homeschooling has always been in the back of my mind though. I know this season of change must be so hard, but I agree.....it will refresh you so you are able to be more intentional with your kids when they are home. Oh friend....lot's of love to you, and we CAN'T wait to see you on Saturday! Love, Kristy (in case this shows up as Brett's comment !)
I am right there with you. I was a wreck the week before Kaden went to school, I cried every night. Now that he has started school I feel a little better and it helps that he loves it. Hoping it gets easier for you. Let's get together with our little ones soon to play.
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