Family photo 2013

Family photo 2013

Monday, July 16, 2012

To Arrow, with love

Hey buddy,

They are right, you know. When they say dogs are a woman's best friend. Ha. That's funny, right? Because that's not really what they say, now is it? But they should. They really, really should. Because you, my boy, were such a magnificent friend to me. Like none other. That is for sure.

Remember when we picked you up from the place you were born? That was a wonderful, exciting day for me, and a sad and uncertain one for you. We immediately learned they weren't kidding when they told us you were sensitive, as you sat in the car, nose down to the ground, and would not lift your head to look at any one of us, for even a moment. It was more of the same when we brought you inside. Raised outdoors on the ground, remember how your feet slid out from under you, in 4 opposite directions, if we tried to stand you up on the tile floor? You made us all laugh.

I held you like a baby, your big, long legs up in the air, and talked to you, petting your ears, trying to ease your fears. Slowly, little by little you came around. Began eating a bite of food or two. Chewing on a rawhide. Taking a drink of water. Standing up on our slip and slide floor. Walking a step. Then, another.

Our bond was quick and strong. Right away, I became Your Person. You were meant to be my baby boy, the one I could nurture and care for when I found out there could be no more human babies on our horizon. I was exuberant over the fact that you took to me in particular, following me every where I walked to and fro in the house and outside. It was almost like you sensed how much I needed you. You were to me, everything I hoped you would be. Of all nine people in our home, more than anyone else I was yours, and you were mine.

You healed my hurting heart with your curious, fun loving, carefree, happy, happy, happy, presence. Every day was a welcome new adventure to you, full of possibility. Mourning the forced finality of our child bearing years, there were times I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. But there you were, nose on mine, ready and willing to usher me through another (exciting!) day! And so, there I was. Adventuring right along with you.

The children, oh how they loved you. Ever the gentleman, you let them lie all over you, wrapping little arms around your neck, invading your space at any given time.

You captured daddy's heart too. I had never seen that man quite so fond of a 4 legged friend. How often he and I would talk about you, mentioning all the ways you were blessing our lives, our home, our family. I told everyone who would listen how fantastic you were.

The days since you left have been so hard. I think about you all the time. Every minute. There is an enormous vacancy. How I wish it wasn't so! I can't help but think, if I had done this or that, noticed sooner that you were sick, been more aware, more attentive, you would still be here. I hope you can forgive me.

I miss everything about you, Arrow. My mind plays cruel tricks on me. I keep thinking I hear your paws padding down the hallway. Like a mirage, for just a moment, I see you lying on the floor by my desk. Then, I realize you're not really there. And my heart, it tears open a little bit.

I miss your cool swagger. The way you walked with your head down, moving gently side to side. I miss you squeezing in on the couch with us to watch a movie, even though there clearly wasn't any room. I miss you outside frolicking with the football as I watered the garden. I miss the way you stole the kids' stuffed bears and tried to sneakily run into the playroom to play with them, hopefully unnoticed by their owners. I miss you stealing food off the table when we all looked away. Sleeping on the bed with me during a nap. Jumping up on the bed in the middle of the night. Tucking the kids in with me. Greeting them one by one in the morning as they woke up. Nuzzling my face when I was sad. Welcoming us when we returned home after being away. Crying when we left. I miss the way you looked at me, when I was certain your golden eyes could see straight into my soul. I miss it all.

Most of all, I miss walking with you. Nearly every single day since you arrived in my life, we have shared a walk. Sometimes two or three! I'm not looking forward to walking again, without you.

Carelessly, I neglected to recall the uncertainty of our days on this earth. And so, I counted on your companionship for many years to come. I took for granted that you would be here, day after day, week after week. I want you to know, if I had realized how brief your life would be, I would have done things differently. I would have loved you better. Petted you more. Taken time to laugh at your silly antics, even when I was busy with work. I would have told you more how much you mean to me. I hope you knew. I hope you knew. I hope you knew.

I learned from you.

Arrow, you nourished my soul. You shared your joy, allowing me to partake in it with you. I love you, baby boy. Rest in peace, my dear friend. I will never forget you.

Forever yours,
Mommy






2 comments:

5th Grade Bobcats said...

i am sick.
so so sorry.
so sorry.
loving you from here...

LedaP said...

Oh Tisha...heartbreaking.

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